The Big Little Golden Rules Of Cohen Concert Comportment
Concert Manners: A Supplement To The Big Little Golden Book Of Leonard Cohen
Cohen On Concerts
-Leonard Cohen1
The DrHGuy Corollary
-DrHGuy
How To Be Leonard Cohen’s Friend2
While this post, like all the The Big Little Golden Book Of Leonard Cohen offerings, is specifically addressed to new fans of Leonard Cohen and those unfamiliar with Cohen who may be persuaded to attend one of the concerts in the upcoming Leonard Cohen 2008 World Tour by a Cohenophilic friend, lover, or family member, the principles of concert behavior discussed extend to most performers and audiences.3 In keeping with the underlying premise of the Big Little Golden Book of Leonard Cohen, these concepts of concert behavior are few in number and simple in content:
Big Little Golden Rule of Concert Behavior #1: Play Nice With Others4
While I suspect this lesson may be less necessary for a Leonard Cohen crowd than it would be for, oh, a Stones concert in the 60s,5 it bears repeating that unless one is fortunate enough to constitute the entire audience at a Leonard Cohen performance, one incurs certain responsibilities vis-a-vis other attendees.
These responsibilities can be summarized in a concise albeit awkward declaration: Avoid unnecessary behaviors that interfere with others enjoying the performance.
Or, again as Dad told you, “Don’t be a jerk.”
Examples of proscribed behaviors include
- Standing throughout the concert directly in front of the folks in wheelchairs.
- Whacking the guy in front of you with a tire iron or other blunt instrument - unless he has been standing in front of you throughout the concert and you are in a wheelchair.
- Repeatedly shouting, “Play Freebird,” especially if that is followed by a prolonged pause for laughter that, if there is any organizing force in the cosmos, will never come.
- Flashing your bare bosom - unless you are a voluptuous, attractive young woman endowed with a pert bosom, and the flashing is done tastefully.
- Mentioning more than once - regardless of how pseudo-casually you work it into the conversation - that you were at Cohen’s 1974 Manchester Concert, his appearance at the 1970 Isle of Wight Festival, the 1988 Reykjavik Concert, etc unless you first persuade at least two other folks seated within five feet of you to sign a notarized affidavit formally requesting a recitation of your experiences.
Big Little Golden Rule of Concert Behavior #2: Be Attentive To The Performer
This idea goes beyond listening to the songs (although that seemingly obvious axiom is violated in a surprisingly large number of cases) to include adjusting ones behavior in accord with the performance. The steps leading to this principle follow:
- A Live Performance Implies A Live Performer. The difference between attending a live performance of a singer-songwriter and listening to a recording of that singer-songwriter is - well, that the music is produced by a living, often sentient creature in the former case and by an inanimate system in the latter.
Still with me? OK.
- Live Performer + Live Audience = Interaction. The fundamental consequence of an audience and a performer being simultaneously present at a live show is the potential for interaction that can significantly enhance or detract from the performance.
-
Optimal Interaction Is A Moving Target. The optimal interaction between the audience and performer depends on the audience and, especially, the performer. It seems unlikely, for example, that the optimal interaction between James Taylor and his audience is identical to the optimal interaction between Metallica and their audience. Further, the optimal interaction between audience and performer typically shifts during a single performance. An attuned audience reacts differently to Springsteen offering up a near-whispered version of “Devils and Dust” than it does to the same guy belting out “Radio Nowhere” with the E Street Band blaring and still differently than it does to Bruce reaching back for one more iteration of “Thunder Road.” And, special situations within concerts, such as the performer’s first entrance, the finale, the guest star, the encores, … all have implications for crowd responses.
- The Bullseye Of The Moving Target Is The Performer. Just as a practical matter, setting the tone for the show is more efficaciously accomplished by the person(s) on stage than by, say, the 36,000 members of the audience in the stadium. More to the point, the performer is typically the only person in the house who actually knows where the musical journey is supposed to be headed. There would seem to be certain advantages that would accrue to following the participant who drew the map.
Hey, nobody said enjoying a concert is easy.
On the other hand, it ain’t rocket science.
To Be Attentive To The Performer, one must be able to distinguish between a performer and an audience member. Consequently, the Heck of a Guy blog offers …
Clues To Determine If You Are The Performer Or An Audience Member
- Is your name on the marquee? If so, there is an excellent chance you are the performer. If the name on the marquee is not yours or an alias you recognize, you are probably an audience member.
- Are you being paid for showing up tonight (probably the performer) or are you paying for showing up tonight (probably an audience member)?
- Is there a jerk who keeps requesting that you sing “Freebird?” If so, you are the performer. (Unless the jerk is drunk, in which case his requests are of no predictive value.)
- Do you find yourself declaring that you were born with the gift of a golden voice? You may be Leonard Cohen. Check your schedule. If today is a scheduled concert on your 2008 tour, you are the performer. If you find yourself declaring that you were born in the USA, on the other hand, you are not Leonard Cohen - but may be Bruce Springsteen.
Live Performance Scenarios
For an example of why it’s important to know what the intended effect will be - or to follow someone who does know, check out this excerpt from Ray Charles & The Raelettes at Estival Jazz in Lugano, Switzerland July 1, 1986
Ray Charles - “Out Of Time”
Often the performer will cue the audience about the response desired from them.
I hereby confess to having attended not one but two Peter, Paul, and Mary concerts (with a gap of twenty years between those performances).
In the first of these encounters, Peter Yarrow prefaced their rendition of “Puff The Magic Dragon,” with
Please don’t. [my paraphrasing]
Subtle, eh?
In contradistinction to the example involvilng Ray Charles, other performers at other concerts invite fans to sing along, praising the results regardless of the skill level exhibited. This excerpt is from the Carole King Living Room Tour CD
Carole King - Medley from Living Room Tour CD
Other artists, including the Artist Currently Known as Prince, are more critical and may coach the crowd, beseeching them to improve.
Prince - Las Vegas Concert
Still others all but demand the crowd’s participation, as does Madonna in this excerpt from the ominously named fantasy, “Everybody Is A Star.”
Madonna - London Concert (September 26, 1993)
But How About Leonard Cohen?
As we know, Leonard Cohen is one complex dude. Consequently, it will come as no surprise that one has to stay on ones intellectual toes because there is the sarcastic but ultimately forgiving Leonard Cohen, who would prefer not to compete with self-congratulatory applause from the audience triggered by their recognition of the song he has started.
Leonard Cohen in concert #1 (from Bird On A Wire Documentary)
And there is also the Leonard Cohen who encourages his concert friends to take part in Hootenanny rituals. Kleeble reports in leonardcohenforum that “my most vivid memory of those days is standing on my seat, singing and clapping along to “You Are My Sunshire” at Manchester (Free Trade Hall I think) in 1974.”
Leonard Cohen in concert #2
And that, friends, is why one has to Be Attentive To The Performer.
And finally, …
Big Little Golden Rule of Concert Behavior #3: Use Restroom Before The Concert
A Closing Thought On Concert Behavior
- John Lennon
Footnotes
- From An Interview with Leonard Cohen by Robert Sward. A Side. Montreal, Quebec - 1984 ~back~
- Leonard Cohen has routinely addressed members of his concert audiences as “friends.” At the end of his final song, for example, he often utters a benediction, bidding the crowd farewell with something along the lines of “Good Night, Friends.” He rarely refers to his “fans” or the “audience.” ~back~
- ”Most,” in this case, includes those performers who aspire to a positive connection with their audiences. The notion of “optimal interaction between performer and audience,” one of the keys to to proper concert behavior, collides with catastrophic cognitive dissonance when applied to those performers (certain punk bands and performance artists come to mind) whose preferred connection to their audience appears to be mutual antipathy. ~back~
- ”Play nice with others” is how your mother put it; if your father taught you this principle, he phrased it, “Don’t be a jerk.” ~back~
- That would be a Stones concert during the 1960s, not a concert when the Stones are in their 60s ~back~
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Lady Lawanda Returns Home, Begins Training For Walkernastics
Lady Lawanda’s New Friend
After a two week hospital stay, Lady Lawanda, aided and abetted by a tote bag of medications, Prodigal, DrHGuy, and an assistive walking device, returned home today.
Far be it from me to point out that the lush and lovely Lawanda had been furtively envious of my walker feats this past summer.
Given Lady Lawanda’s training in gymnastics and her hypertrophied competitiveness, the mind boggles at the prospect of her future exploits - which will, of course, be documented here in detail.
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A Musical Mystery - Elvis Wonders About You
A Slip, A Clue, or a Plea for Help From Elvis Presley?
Elvis Presley, 1970
Listen to this 30 second clip from the opening of “The Wonder of You,” performed by Elvis Presley on closing night (23 Feb 1970) of his show at the International Hotel Las Vegas. Pay special attention to the lyrics following, “You give me … .”
Elvis Presley - The Wonder Of You
International Hotel Las Vegas Closing Night: 23 Feb 1970
My contention is that Elvis is clearly singing, “You give me hope and constipation.”
This phrase takes on a certain poignancy with the realization that on August 16, 1977, Presley was found on the floor of his bathroom, after apparently having been on the toilet, and was officially pronounced dead at Baptist Memorial Hospital.1
So, was this just a careless error - or was it the consequence of Elvis so intently wondering about why he was suddenly constipated - a crucial element in a plot by person or persons unknown to kill him - that this concern slipped into the lyrics?
Or, was it a clue Presley consciously left in hopes of pointing to his murderer?
While an anti-Elvis conspiracy theory may sound unlikely, is there any better explanation for Elvis meeting Nixon later that same year to ask for a Bureau of Narcotics and Dangerous Drugs badge and an appointment as a “Federal Agent at Large.”2
Elvis Presley Meets With President Nixon, 1970
Footnotes
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Music From The Cast Iron Balcony
Getting Down, Down Under
I frequently lurk about Blogger On The Cast Iron Balcony to assure that I am up to snuff on the contemporary feminist perspective in Melbourne, Friday Dogblogging, and, of course, Meaningless Twaddle.
On occasion, music also erupts from this source, and such was the case yesterday with the posting of La di da, down by the sea, which is described as
While those adventures themselves are a worthy read, I want to focus on three of the acts who performed at the festival and were mentioned in the post.
Tess McKenna
I first heard of Tess McKenna from a much earlier mention of her music on Blogger On The Cast Iron Balcony and have become a full-fledged fan of her guitar-based, often percussion-heavy songs that display their country roots sans twang. She puts a great voice to work on both subtle acoustic numbers and straightforward, high amp garage. She also has a knack for grabbing a lyrical hook in just the right way to leverage the irony of the line, producing some excellent specimens of rock and droll.
Tess McKenna has a web site and, of course, a Tess McKenna MySpace site, which streams a selection of her tunes.
She also has a song or two on YouTube, including All You Need:
The Band Who Knew Too Much
Since hearing these guys on their MySpace site yesterday, I’ve developed an intense yearning to watch The Band Who Knew Too Much perform at a not quite reputable bar in Brisbane while knocking back pots of XXXX.
That I had never before heard of this group Blogger On The Cast Iron Balcony calls “Iron Men of Australian music,”2 couldn’t locate Brisbane on a map of Australia with a GPS and a Rand-McNally Atlas,3 can’t recall the last time I was in a bar of any repute, and never managed to develop a taste for beer despite a four year effort during med school at the University of Missouri attenuates that longing not a whit.
Who wouldn’t get off on a band that includes in its own description these passages:
In addition to their MySpace site, The Band Who Knew Too Much can be seen on a YouTube Video:
Dallas Frasca
Dallas Frasca is a union of Janis Joplin and Big Mama Thornton with a soupcon of Cindy Lauper.4 She definitely falls into the must be seen (and heard) to be believed category. Happily, besides her Dallas Frasca MySpace slot, she also appears in a few YouTube videos.
Dallas Frasca - Narooma Blues Festival (October 23, 2007)
Dallas Frasca - Live in Abbotsford (July 11, 2006)
Footnotes
- Helen, who is the “Blogger” of “Blogger On The Cast Iron Balcony,” was the percussionist for Tess McKenna during Apollo Bay music festival sets ~back~
- She also labels them “Melbourne’s fastest band.” ~back~
- The location of Brisbane, it appears, is not the rate limiting step in this equation, given that The Band Who Knew Too Much is based in Melbourne - which I also could not locate without extensive guidance ~back~
- Blogger On The Cast Iron Balcony describes her thusly, “She’s a mighty red hot mama with a voice and stage presence like Nina Hagen meets Robert Plant.” I’m pretty sure we’re talking about the same performer. ~back~
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The Very Very Good Girl - SportsBizPro Nuptial Quiz
The wedding of Very Very Good Girl and SportsBizPro1 took place as planned this weekend. There may well be more discussion of the events, but for tonight I offer one of my favorite scenes from the ceremonies as a pictorial quiz.
In this post-wedding photo of Very Very Good Girl, she is
A. Dancing with exuberance and abandon
B. Shimmying out of her gown with exuberance and abandon
C. Demonstrating the overhead, two-handed throw used to inbound the ball in soccer with exuberance but not so much abandon
D. Posing as the model for a hood ornament
E. Completing the toss of the bridal bouquet, causing the assembled unmarried women ostensibly gathered to catch the flowers to scatter in terror as though the floral arrangement were a live hand grenade.
Footnotes
- See I Knew The Bride When She Used To Rock and Roll Heck, I Knew The Bride When She Sang Her ABCs ~back~
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A Wise Man Once Said - Never Use This Wedding Toast
Weddings and the Web
Charged with the responsibility of developing music playlists to cover the band’s breaks at the nuptials of Very Very Good Girl and SportsBizPro this weekend,1 I was trolling the Internet for inspiration when I came across a number of web sites focusing on one aspect or another of weddings: advice about everything from appropriate gifts to inappropriate behavior, expositions on prevailing styles in wedding gowns and tuxedos, lamentations about guests who don’t RSVP but do show up at the adults-only, no extra guests please reception - accompanied by their six urchins, three dogs, and the guy who has been stalking the bride for the past 34 months - expecting to be fed and entertained, and so on.
I also found, of course, beaucoup wedding videos of the newly weds dancing, the wedding party dancing, the bride cutting the cake, the bride and groom exchanging vows, … and, most significantly for the topic of this post, the toasting of the newly married couple.
The Hugh Grant Wedding Speech Fallacy
In “Four Weddings and a Funeral,” Hugh Grant’s character is an affectionately bumbling bloke who awkwardly delivers a wedding speech that is sweetly salacious, droll as all get-out, and funny. This sort of scene has, I believe, seduced too many best men and others into the conviction that they too can bumble their way through an awkward toast that is witty to the point of hilarity.
They are, tragically, mistaken.
Hugh Grant and the others are - and this seems to have somehow gone unnoticed - actors in a movie, rendering dialog written by professional screenwriters to an audience of other actors whose enthusiastic, gleeful response is, literally, scripted.
In real life, bumbling, awkward speeches that aspire to sweetly salacious and funny are just bumbling and awkward.
The Fourth Kind of Lie
Everyone who has works in a a science- or math-based field has heard the sardonic explanation of the three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics. I would extend that classic list to Lies, Damn Lies, Statistics, and YouTube Video Titles.
Far too many of the wedding toast videos carry labels such as “Funny,” but this seems a venial inaccuracy or perhaps even no more than a matter of differing subjective judgments. Less forgivable are those with titles such as “Best Wedding Speech Ever,” “Wedding Toast (Best Toast Ever!!)”2, “Most Hilarious Wedding Toast,” “Funniest Wedding Speech Of All Time,” and many more of their ilk. The grandiosity is in bad taste and, worse, I was lured into watching some of these catastrophes by those titles, thus sucking away several minutes of my life I’ll never get back.
One putative joke featured in a number of these videos, however, stands out in this hotly contested field as the worst of a bad lot, transcending the question “why would anyone think this is funny?” to the more pertinent query, “why is this allowed to exist?”
The individual giving the toast, invariably a male and usually the best man, typically begins with “A wise man once said/told me/wrote,” which is a tad cliched but nonetheless a serviceable, classic opening. Continuing, the toast-giver reveals that the referenced but anonymous wise man has prescribed that the duration of the toast should be the same length of time consumed when the groom makes love to the bride. The speaker then pauses, utters a phrase signaling that his speech has now concluded (e.g., “Thank you for your attention. Drive carefully on the way home.”), and returns to his seat.
The mirth of this performance apparently lies in the notion that the groom’s lovemaking is completed very quickly, as was the speech.3
Among the many conundrums associated with this toast is the reaction of the audience. They indeed break into laughter, from which I deduce that, at many weddings, there is a significant amount of alcohol consumed prior to the toasts.
The Lessons
The bright side of this fiasco is that, now alerted to this deficit in our culture’s common database of comedic principles, I can, in keeping with the admonition in the Code of the Blogger to enlighten ones fellow (best) man, impart two messages to the populace:
Message #1: Set-up lines can be farfetched but must be at least plausible enough that a listener willing to suspend disbelief can accept the idea that, in this case, a wise man might have said such a thing.
My own effort, Mother Of The Bride Wedding Toast,4 for example, includes this line:
I maintain that one could easily believe that the mythical wise man could have written those words.
If the set-up isn’t plausible, it’s just an excuse for the presumptive punch line. In this case, the “wise man once said” preface is, in reality, no more than the wrappings of a joke that allows one to utter a traditional sexual insult to the groom in the context of a post-wedding reception. At the bachelor party, the same remark, perhaps more crudely captioned, would have been hurled at the groom unadorned.
One could as justifiably have announced, “A wise man once said “Any groom with the middle name of Roscoe has tiny genitals. Ladies and gentlemen, the groom’s middle name is Roscoe.”
Heck, why bother with a setup line? Why not just go with “Ladies and gentlemen, a wise man once said the groom is sexually incompetent?”
Come to think of it, those audiences in the videos might have broken into raucous laughter over that toast as well.
Message #2: For the love of all that is good and pure, don’t use this horrid “Wise man said … groom is sexually inadequate” joke in your wedding speech. Destroy it before it invades the culture further.
This has been a public service announcement from the Heck of a Guy blog.
Footnotes
- See Matrimonial Music Mix Musings ~back~
- I do admire the punctuational balance, the excess of the double exclamation marks being partially offset by the parenthetical embrace ~back~
- One could argue that the joke lies in the fact that the speech and the groom’s supposed sexual powers are both disappointing, but this does not appear to be the intent. ~back~
- The circumstances leading to this joke can be found at Mother Of The Bride Wedding Toast. The full toast itself follows:
As Mother of the Bride, I want to remind my daughter and her husband that, although today’s celebration is the culmination of much effort, prayer, and hope on your part and on the part of your friends and families, a wedding is a beginning, not a conclusion. On the occasion of your marriage, you may well wonder what your lives will look like twenty or thirty or forty years from now.
Let me read you what a wise man once wrote:“You can marry, pursue a career, and raise a family – and after your children are grown with families of their own, your life can be even more spectacular. When you’re mature, love can be more intense, romance can be more fulfilling, and, yes, sex can be incredibly better than when you’re a newlywed.”
I know that this idea may sound too good to be true, but I’m here to tell you that it can indeed happen just that way. After all, I got married, I pursued a career, and I have kids who are now grown and starting families of their own – and sure enough, today I find love more intense, romance more fulfilling, and sex is not just better but altogether fabulous compared to my newlywed days. I’ve never been happier.
Now, I certainly can’t speak for your father about how he feels. But, Who Knows? If it’s been this incredibly wonderful since our divorce for my lover and me, then it’s at least possible that he and his girlfriend are more contented as well.
~back~
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Today’s lack of a post is brought to you by the unexplained and perhaps inexplicable delays and flight cancellations of United Airlines, complemented by their inaccurate and misleading passenger alerts. impenetrable automated telephone answering systems that prohibit live personal contact, and customer relations that appear based on the tactics used to herd cattle through slau