In The Beginning
Try as I might I cannot conjure up the scene when some guy (I’m pretty sure this is a guy thing) first said to himself, “I bet grade school kids would read a bunch of books if their principal promised to kiss a pig.”
Flickr Photo by G2
Principal Kisses Pig has, in fact, become so common a headline that it risks becoming the cliché that replaces the Dog Bites Man/Man Bites Dog combo used by newspaper editors to instruct cub reporters (“Principal Kisses Pig isn’t a story; Pig Kisses Principal, now, that’s a story”).
Borders and Amazon, in fact, stock a hardcover book entitled, Our Principal Promised to Kiss a Pig. (A book review from the School Library Journal notes that “Displayed in thought balloons over Hamlet’s head are Shakespeare-inspired verses that express his initial dismay and eventual change of heart,” an element that receives surprisingly little play in the newspaper reports of these events.)
And, it’s not just pig-kissing.
To promote reading, to solicit donations, and to raise standardized test performances, teachers and principals have served as targets for pies, performed as cheerleaders and rap stars, spent the night on school rooftops, had their hair sheared with dog clippers, and come to school dressed in wedding gowns, tutus, and pajamas.
As one might expect, there is always someone upping the ante. One principal, for example, has taken the first step on the Fear Factor staircase by consuming a helping of pureed worms. That this gastronomic feat took place at a school located in Texas, not California, seems especially worrisome.
The Canary’s Dying Words On Pig-Kissing Principals
These kinds of stunts raise several problems. The argument can be made that principals in tutus kissing pig trivialize learning and misdirect the focus from reading to the stunt itself, but that sort of philosophical issue is beyond the scope of this posting. That leaves two lurking problems that are more my speed.
First, a huge fraction of the population (i.e., me and two of my buddies that were home when I called) have read the Principal Kisses Pig story too many times and no longer find it amusing, inspiring, or cute. If schools are convinced that such promotions are beneficial to learning, then I generously extend my blessings to the school to have at, but please don’t put it in a newspaper I might run across.
Second, if the primary premise is that increasing reading, improving test scores, etc justify these stunts, these principals and teachers will be, it seems to me, caught in a logical bind when, as they inevitably will, the students become jaded with the current level of the stunts. In that case, are the principals morally obligated to do whatever it takes to encourage their pupils to greater efforts? “Yeah, you promised to wear a tutu and kiss a pig if we read those books, but my cousin’s principal ate worms when they read enough books. Why won’t you eat worms? Don’t you care about our reading as much as my cousin’s principal cares about their reading?” And where does it escalate from there? None of the newspaper articles appear to cover what happens after the pigs are kissed. Is this a one-time quickie for the principals. Are they just playing with the pigs’ affections? How about commitment? The obvious next step would be a principal vowing to marry a pig if enough books were read.
Incredibly enough, I have still other suggestions:
- Kissing a pig was once sorta amusing and eating worms still has a certain cachet but neither really seems to tap into the thrills of imminent danger or life & death struggles. Instead of Principal Kisses Pig, envision Principal Kisses Rabid Dog or Principal Kisses Rattlesnake?
- This just came to me outta nowhere: Principal Kisses Ex-Wife Or, even better, Principal Kisses [DrHGuy's] First Wife
- Extreme hairdos, including Mohawks & spikes (i.e., haircuts that once got kids kicked out of school) and shaved heads, have been done, but I think shaving the entire body and undergoing the Total Body Brazilian Wax are still available.
- For the three months of summer vacation, the principal becomes the live-in household servant for the family of the student reading the most books. (Fun Contemporary Option: The principal is designated the student’s bitch for the summer.)
I had a couple of others but it occurred to me that the one with the donkey is probably already being done in Tijuana and I’m pretty sure the FAA or NASA would have to approve the “shot into orbit around Pluto” thing.
I submit anal bleaching.