A Final (For Now) Look At The Maternal Tchotchkes

While this past week’s postings focused primarily on the Angel and The Lords Prayer Clock, two of the superstars of my mother’s collection, Mrs. Linklater’s comment (“No afghans made with lime green polyester yarn or bathmats made from braided plastic wrap saved from dozens of loaves of white bread I notice.”) has prompted me to publish this addendum in hopes of better characterizing the quality and quantity of mom’s inventory.

Weaving A Tangled Web (From Pill Bottle Cotton & The Elastic From Men’s Briefs)

If a given item can be created by weaving together other items, my mother has at least one example of it stowed away somewhere. Especially numerous are hot pads and pot holders, but welcome mats, placemats, bathmats, doormats, rugs, throws, table runners, boot scrapers, bibs, napkins, and shower curtains are also represented. Raw material for these products includes, but is assuredly not limited to, plastic of any kind, ribbon, lace, raffia, fabric strips, yarn, mylar, bubble wrap, canvas, burlap, and, I kid you not, rubber gloves. While I have no evidence of its existence, the discovery of His & Her wedding placemats cleverly woven from a variety of condoms would not surprise me.

Where Have All The Egg Cartons Gone?

At some point in the past 20 years, many of you who are parents were handed, as you were pushing one or another of your progeny out the door for school, a note from the teacher by that selfsame child pointing out that a “few items found around the home” were required if he/she were to participate in that day’s activities. You then wasted three hours in an unrequited search for 16 cardboard (not plastic) egg cartons, two glass milk bottles, four eye droppers, a tablespoon of sulfuric acid, and a magneto from a 1932 Ford.

Well, if you lived in the Midwest, there is a good chance that the reason you couldn’t find that stuff was that my mother had stashed it away. I hasten to point out that at no time during my own school years was any such material available to me. No, this arts & crafts for kids scam is a conspiracy and those with children in school are ineligible to serve as a hoarder with conspirator status. My understanding of this scheme did prove extraordinarily useful in raising Da Boyz in that I saved much time and bypassed considerable angst by surrendering the futile notion that I could actually find any of those arts & crafts supplies. Instead, I immediately suggested to whichever son that one could often substitute one material for another, especially if the surrogate was legal tender. Need a dozen cigar boxes? Let’s try using a $5 bill. How about 24 red plastic hangers? How about $10? As the saying goes [or as it should go],
Necessity is a mother…

The Benefit Of My Mother’s Collection

If America ever goes to war and its fighting men need nylon netting, cotton balls, glitter, plastic butter tubs, every plastic grocery sack manufactured in the past 18 years, boxes of toothpicks, alphabet macaroni, bleach bottles, 12 year old soft drinks, & weapons-grade, bullet-proof acrylic fiber wound into a semblance of yarn that can be used, without modification, as an effective substitute for barbed wire, we’re solid.

0 responses to “A Final (For Now) Look At The Maternal Tchotchkes

  1. Mrs. Linklater

    I had no idea you read the comments.

  2. Jenna Jonteaux-McClay

    Loved your use of the term “grocery sack”. So Midwestern.