Heck Of A Guy

Let’s keep expectations in line — I’m more likely to be on Route 14 to Dominick’s than on the Road to Damascus. Of course, the flip side is that I do not (thank you very much) require being struck blind for inspiration; the local newspaper and satellite TV evoke revelations sufficient unto my purposes. Thus disclaimed, we press onward.

Today’s apocalyptic insight is in response to that all-important philosophical inquiry:

with its typically unspoken but omnipresent corollary:

Ready?

A Vast Wasteland Wherein Dwelleth False Father Figures

The culprits are those TV widower-fathers.

Curse you, Steven Douglas; a pox on thee, Tom Corbett (AKA Eddie’s Father); and (of course) fie on you, Andy Taylor.

During my cohort’s formative years, the video population endured a pandemic of mysterious, unexplained fatalities of young mothers at the hands of TV screenwriters.

There is, it seems to me, something suspect about the premise that warm and fuzzy, let alone humorous, moments will necessarily and automatically spring from any situation in which a single man assumes the responsibility of raising children following their mother’s demise.

Nonetheless, when I think of single fathers (or surrogate fathers of the Uncle Bill variety), the first images that spring to mind are those from

• The Courtship Of Eddie’s Father
• My Three Sons
• Family Affair
• The Andy Griffith Show
• Bachelor Father

There were batches of these characters skulking about on various channels.

For example, Sky King was raising Penny and Clipper on his own when he wasn’t flying those Cessnas, Uncle Jed Clampett was sans spouse bringing up Ellie Mae and Jethro, after his wife died, Vernon Albright cared for [his] Little Margie with only a housekeeper to assist, and The Rifleman was the lone parent for Mark.

Assuming there was nothing kinky going on bestiality-wise, that park ranger on Flipper was a hot-shot solo father as well.

The single-father genre did not, as far as I recall, improve with age, a hypothesis for which I think an example or two will serve as adequate proof.

Remember that very special series from the late ‘80’s, My Two Dads? And the ’80’s show (still viewable in syndication), Full House? Convinced? I thought so.

By the way, the award for the best line from a movie about a TV series featuring a single father has to go to Danny DeVito in Tin Men, who describes Bonanza as a show about “a 50-year-old man with three 49-year-old sons.”

A survey of such TV series reveals at least three areas of incongruities between performances of fathers residing on Nick At Night and those attempting, against overwhelming odds, to be a Heck Of A Single Dad in what passes for the real world:

Nannies:

TV: The majority of these TVLand families have a nanny (sometimes designated by a different title) who falls into one of two categories:

1. Crusty Male/Fussy Female With Heart Of Gold
Examples: Uncle Charley (My Three Sons) and Aunt Bee¹ (The Andy Griffith Show)
Special Characteristic: Homespun philosophers

2. Exotic Foreign Character
Examples: Peter Tong, played by Sammee Tong (Bachelor Father), Mrs. Livingston, a not so inscrutable Oriental with a British-sounding name (The Courtship Of Eddie’s Father), and Mr. French, who was, of course, British (Family Affair).
Special Characteristic: Yoda precursors

US: We had nannies before I was a single Dad; we now have no nanny — not even one of domestic vintage.

Heart-to-Heart Discussions:

TV: These talks were an essential feature of almost every episode in the above referenced shows. In a quiet, secluded setting, Dad looks directly and unblinkingly into Emotionally Precocious Offspring’s eyes and explains the complex lesson of the day, revealing not only an hitherto hidden truth about humanity but also the father’s love, determination, and pluck in raising the kid(s) despite his inadequate number of X chromosomes. In addition, screenwriter bonuses appear to have been tied to the frequency with which these quasi-soliloquies incorporated phrases equivalent to “Since your mother died.”

US: The content of our dinner discussions once featured debates between The Prodigal expounding the virtues of microwave French fires and The Mesomorph declaring the superiority of microwave mashed potatoes. While their tastes and culinary talents have matured significantly since then, the level of discussion has not. We do sometimes, during bonding experiences, turn the volume down on the minimum of three TV’s that are perpetually playing at Heck Of A House to counteract the electromagnetic fluctuations created by the friction between Chi-Town and the Cheeseheads.

Girlfriends:

TV: The fathers either have a girlfriend (e.g., Andy Taylor’s monogamous and monotonous relationship with Helen Crump) or — hubba-hubba — girlfriends. Eddie’s father and, especially, Uncle Bill (that rascal) seemed to have a plethora of attractive women who were fine and respectable as social escorts but, inevitably and tragically, were somehow ineligible as marriage partners. In some cases, the child was the matchmaker for poor ol’ Dad, who was inevitably and woefully unaware of the obvious overtures made by these women. Certainly by the end of the episode the girlfriend and the kids, who recognized and hoped to repair the father’s loneliness, were allies.

US: Da Boyz demonstrate no inclination to pimp for me.

So there it is. I just need better screenwriters, renegotiated residuals, and an agent that can get me a different sort of role occasionally.

________________________

Footnotes

1. That is the correct spelling↩

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