Google’s Just Not That Into Heck Of A Guy

June 9th, 2006 at 7:11 am · DrHGuy · HOAG Site · No Comments

Look, it’s not as though I didn’t give Google a chance.

I was, in fact, not only an early adopter of Google but, back when Google was just a funny word and before it became a verb, I was a Google pusher, harassing friends and strangers alike to try Google when most folks didn’t bother with search engines at all.

Did I get a kickback? Did I get to buy into Google’s IPO? Did I get even a crappy Google-emblazoned T-shirt or baseball cap? No – I got nada, zip, zilch. But did I complain? Noooooooooooooooo. (Or, more appropriately, Noooooooooooooooogle.)

No, I still loved Google. I emailed my buddies every time Google came out with a new toy: currency conversion, FedEx tracking, movie showtimes, UPC codes, phonebook, maps, Froogle, and on and on. I played with and promoted each and every one. I use Google-email accounts every day. I zip around Google Earth. Google Desktop owns a piece of my computer’s real estate. Google Desktop Search finds files and email for me.

But now they’ve gone beyond ungrateful. The Heck Of A Guy blog is, if I say so myself, a decent read on occasion. It’s funnier than a physics textbook, more profound than Dagwood, and more richly romantic than the instruction manual for a microwave oven. Yet, Google doesn’t index Heck Of A Guy.

Porno sites – Google lists. Sites in foreign languages – Google lists. Sites that don’t want to be listed – Google lists. AlignMap, my business site – Google lists. Heck Of A Guy – Not so much.

I’ve sent in a formal request; I tried site maps; I have links from other sites – but no Google Love.

At first, I made the usual excuses. Google didn’t call because it lost my URL. Or Google was playing hard to get. I’ve gotta be honest; it looks like Google’s Just Not That Into Heck Of A Guy

So much for Google’s corporate motto: “Don’t be evil”

It’s not as though I haven’t had the opportunity to stray. Every once in a while, I’ve indulged in some harmless flirting with another search engine to check out their truncation or some other capacity Google doesn’t offer, but I’ve reminded true in my heart, wanting to sit under the apple tree with nobody else but Google.

Now, however, the other search engines are flirting back. They are, in fact, happy to fool around with Heck Of A Guy, brazenly listing its posts on their search pages. Heck, within a couple of weeks of the Heck Of A Guy start date, it had gotten to second base with MSN with promises of more to come. The Yahoo bots fondle every bit of this blog, and they know, I assure you, how to show a Heck Of A Guy a good time. As for Ask, well, “ask” is all Heck Of A Guy has to do to get what it wants. I only wish I could show you the Polaroids of the orgy that of the encounter with Dogpile. Those meta-search engines know how to party. And it’s not a coincidence that Inkomi rhymes with “kinky.”

After all, a Heck Of A Guy has needs.

And, there is a finite limit to the number of time DrHGuy’s heart can be broken.

The Ultimatum

So, Google, this is your last chance. List me or face the consequences.

That’s right. Heck Of A Guy will start hanging out with the cheap and easy, bad girll search engines, making fun of Google behind its back and starting rumors about Google hooking up with the Chinese government.

And that’s not all.

Lacking a positive response from Google, the Heck Of A Guy blog will develop and offer its own search engine, Hoagle (”Heck Of A Guy – Lesser Evil”).

The Rules According To Hoagle

In contrast to Google’s self-congratulatory, hypocritical “Don’t Be Evil” slogan, Hoagle’s motto will be the refreshingly honest “Don’t get caught.”

The Heck Of A Guy staff has hammered out a two part strategy:

1. To limit the costs and expertise required, Hoagle will search exclusively those sites that Google does not index. Yep, every time Google indexes another site, Hoagle’s job gets easier.

2. To further differentiate Hoagle from Google, Hoagle will offer greater simplicity & efficiency. We do not even characterize Hoagle as a search engine. Do you really want to search for something? Naw, you want to find something. We think of Hoagle as a Found Engine.
So when you go to Hoagle, you first notice a much less cluttered interface. Then, you see there is no “search box” for entering terms. That’s because Hoagle has already done the searching for you. Hoagle has a “found box” that gives you the answer as fast as you can pull up the Hoagle page.

Note the cluttered Google home page (above) with the cutesy cartoon figures. Advertising Programs? Business Solutions? What’s with that? Groups? Groups of what? Why would I want to sign in? Do I want to make Google my home page? As though I needed one more decision to make. Most of all, note that empty “search box” demanding that you feed it with terms before it does a darn thing for you.

Now, compare that to the Hoagle page (below). Note the lack of superfluous links, slogans, words, etc. Also, note that the correct answer is already there. All you have to do is click on that link.

How, one might ask, do you know the best answer without knowing what the viewer is looking for?

Well, not with spiders.¹ We believe in searching — gratefully — where we’re invited and otherwise not intruding where we’re not wanted unlike another search engine we could mention but won’t.²

Instead, Hoagle knows what’s good for you because of our proprietary Value-Driven Algorithm:

V = SUM(C+M+S+(1.5) (IUL))

where V=value of the answer, C=cash paid to Hoagle, M=merchandise given to Hoagle, S=services provided to Hoagle, IUL=illicit, unreported loot slipped under the table to Hoagle

It is intuitively clear, at least to us, that the answers with the most value are the answers you need – whether you know it or not. Look, if someone is willing to fork over a pile of cash, doesn’t it make sense they will have the answer you need?

Sure, it does.

To keep things above-board, the Hoagle Found Page displays not only the link to the right answer but also the cash equivalent value paid to display that answer. (Heck Of A Guy, which is the answer at least 50% of the time, displays no value because it’s invaluable.)