The 1999 Threat
Yesterday’s post, Pre-apocalytpic Follow-up, updating the Crystal Lake brouhaha surrounding the Gay Games Rowing Events, called to mind another episode of moral turpi
tude that previously erupted in these parts. And, indeed, a search of the DrHGuy Golden Oldie Email Archi
ves revealed that almost exactly seven years ago I was alerting my correspondents to the then current Crystal Lake socio-political controversy: the Zoning Board’s consideration of a proposal to replace a defunct Burger King outpost with a Hooters Restaurant [Reader's Choice: insert here ironic or genuine gasp or similar expression of appalled disapproval], which, according to those in opposition, would inevitably unloose the Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse, various and diverse plagues, and the irredeemable sullying of the village’s hitherto unblemished reputation. 1
Consequently, today seemed an appropriate time to revisit the issue and assess the intermediate term consequences of the outcome of the Hooters hullabaloo.
The Contentions
The community is torn, and the editorials and letters to the editor in the local newspaper are vitriolic. Already invoked, in some cases by proponents 
of both sides (which I’ve helpfully labeled Old Coots Vs Pro-Hoots), are the issues of
- Virtue
- Family Values
- Culture
- Personal Freedom
- Entrepreneurial Energy
- Morality
- Economic Drivers
- Integrity
- Sexual Mores
- Protection of Children from Traumatic Events
- Culinary Arts
- Personality Defects of Opposing Writers
Many of these writers, incidentally, are self-identified as constituents of “The Core” of one or more of the following: Crystal Lake, McHenry Country, The US of A, Western Civilization/Western Civilization As We Know It, All That We Hold Dear, and Christian Life.
The big points have already been reduced to redundancies so a search for fresh issues is now underway. A typical exchange in the letters to the editor is now reduced to an epistle on Thursday lamenting the horror of Hooters being located at “The Gateway to the Greater Crystal Lake business district” [this apparently refers to the row of classy joints such as Dominick's, the carpet outlet center, Wal-Mart, Subway Sandwich Shop, Stor-It-Yourself, Sam's Club, K-Mart, etc that are on the same stretch of road as the proposed Hooters] followed on Friday by a letter pointing out that said “Gateway” is currently anchored by an empty, bankrupt Burger King emblazoned with graffiti featuring figures with disproportionately large feminine anatomical parts and commentary suggesting various lewd acts.
The only things, in fact, missing from this published correspondence - thus far - are Nanner Nanner Nanner, I know you are but what am I?, and You’re a stupidhead - & you stink.
I should mention that on this road (now known as “The Road To New Jerusalem” but in danger of becoming “The Road To Perdition”), an ad for “The Splash Club” noting that dancers performing there are characterized as “Nude Women Wearing Only Heels” and that one of the earliest male strip joints (The Sugar Shack, I believe) still operates less than 30 minutes away just across the Wisconsin line.
Having never eaten at a Hooters franchise, I must rely on my fantasies but even then I find it difficult to develop a batch-o-angst or a ton-o-joy about whether or not an establishment known primarily for Buffalo Wings (my sons are puzzled, having never seen wings on a buffalo) served by women dressed in cutoff t-shirts and shorts. I am grateful, however, the never-ending supply of comic karma.
The Aftermath
The Hooters Restaurant zoning was granted because, as one meeting participant sagely observed,”They [Hooters] aren’t breaking any laws and they filled out the right forms.”
The restaurant itself opened shortly thereafter.
As of 12 July 2006, we are, as far as I know, still awaiting the storms of pestilence and the visitation of the AntiChrist that will presage the destruction of our modern version of Sodom and Gomorrah.
There has, however, been one set of significant changes: My sons are no longer perplexed about the notion of Hooters buffalo wings, which they in fact occasionally purchase in the frozen foods aisle of the local Jewel. They are, on the other hand, more fascinated now than they were seven years ago by the young women who serve those culinary delights at the restaurant.
Footnotes
- I confess to having been personally more alarmed, because of residual trauma from too many 8th birthday parties held there, by a project, to be presented at the same zoning board meeting, that would bring a Chuck E Cheese to town.↩
1 response so far ↓
1 MindSpin // Jul 12, 2006 at 9:22 am
Repeat after me this self-calming technique. “You don’t have to worry about setting foot in Chuck E Cheese again until you hold your first grandchild.” Then trepidation is in order. Just try to take another adult, for comfort.