For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God
Romans 3:23
Sins? What Sins?
Let’s start with all those rotten things you’ve already done that you knew were evil when you committed them.1
And, what if your ex-spouse was right in his or her characterizations of your behavior?
Now, add in the numerous invitations, imprecations, and suggestions from others that you, ahem, “go to hell.”
Don’t forget those secret sins of the I’ve lusted in my heart variety.
Finally, what about all the laws, rules, and regulations you’ve violated?2
Pretty scary, right?
And, we haven’t even touched on all those sins you gleefully plan to perpetrate in the future or those unanticipated opportunities for wickedness that may fortuitously present themselves any day now.
What’s A Sinner To Do?
There are, of course, multiple sects competing to offer one form or another of deliverance from sin (sometimes, whether one desires such deliverance or not), but almost all of these solutions require time, effort, money, and, not infrequently, some kind of humiliating ritual, such as shaving or not shaving specific parts of ones body, inveigling strangers at airports or in their own homes, or participating in crusades, jihads, suicide bombings, etc.
Plus, all of these methodologies are constructed on the faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen3 sort of premise; none of these formats come with money-back guarantees. Customer service, it seems, is not a major selling point of organized religion.
Most importantly, all of these institutions seem to at least implicitly expect adherents to quit sinning.
Or
Or, one can opt for the Get Out Of Hell Free Card
The Get Out Of Hell Free card proffers the same statistical chance of rescuing one from eternal damnation as the more traditional routes without the cost, rigmarole, or necessity of converting or killing infidels.4
Oh Sinnerman, Where You Gonna Run To?
Well, any sinnerman or sinnerwoman who runs to the This Is True site, will find the story behind the card as well as the opportunity to buy ones very own ticket to salvation (the last time I checked, the cost was $1 for 10 cards, including shipping, although if, like DrHGuy, one purchases these in quantity, there is a discount)
Remember:
Don’t leave home without it
Footnotes
- Yes, that includes when you were intoxicated, in love, and in college. There is, however, contention about the age of accountability so, for this exercise, you may eliminate sins committed before puberty. (This does not, however, negate or repudiate the right of a jealous and wrathful God, at the time of your actual judgment, to include some or all sins committed prior to puberty at His sole discretion and whim.) ↩
- Admiral Hyman Rickover had a point when he advised, “If you are going to sin, sin against God, not the bureaucracy. God will forgive you but the bureaucracy won’t.”↩
- Hebrews 11:1↩
- And, it’s just in time for the Crystal Lake Gay Games Rowing events; AKA the first step on the road to hell.↩
