Heck Of A Guy

Introduction To Another Set Of Urbane Skills

After posting How The Optimal Sub Avoids Suboptimal Safe Words, conversations with readers indicated that, despite a high level of audience interest in the subject matter, a post about choosing safe words may have been a tad nuanced for a starting point and that something more fundamental would be useful.

Toward that end, I now offer Part I¹ of the official Heck Of A Guy list of signs and symptom to determine if you qualify as kinky.

Exclusionary Criterion

Are you now or have you ever been Kinky Friedman, the one-time leader of Kinky Friedman & The Texas Jewboys, author of 20-30 books², and current candidate for Governor of Texas, running under the slogan, “How hard can it be?”

If the answer is “No,” you may proceed.

If the answer is “Yes,” you are disqualified; I’m afraid you would ruin the curve. But, can I have your autograph?

You May Be Kinky If …

1. You and your sweetheart have been together for 20 years, but you both still get misty-eyed when you recall that first bruise.
2. You don’t think of them as “dirty movies;” you think of them as “instructional videos.”
3. You believe in spanking -– as long as no children are involved
4. It seems to you that more fun than a barrel of monkeys is both less accurate and less evocative than more fun than a barrel of lubricant.
5. Your most frequently used term of endearment is “Ouch.”
6. You were kicked out of Boy Scouts when you tried to change “brave, clean, and reverent” to “safe, sane, and consensual.”
7. When you read John Dryden’s lines,
   Pains of love be sweeter far
   Than all other pleasures are
   You automatically respond with “D’oh — and your point is … ?”
8. And when you read San Juan de la Cruz’s
   Beloved, all that is harsh and difficult I want for myself, and all that is gentle and sweet for thee,
   your reaction is “Forget it, buddy. You’re gonna wait your turn like everyone else.”
9. The first place you search for missing tools and kitchen utensils is your bedroom.
10. You are willing to have sex on the first date if your partner insists – as long as there is some assurance that something more interesting will happen the next time.

[Continued at You May Be Kinky If ... (Part II)]

1. Part II should be published Monday↩
2. Including The Love Song Of J. Edgar Hoover, Elvis, Jesus and Coca Cola , and Armadillos and Old Lace ↩