Last week, I included the links to a few of my favorite, prizewinning 404 Pages1 in the post, More 404
Jen, the creator of the Very Big Design 404 Page, winner of The Oliver Stone Award For Best Conspiracy Theme In A 404 Page, sent an especially gracious letter of acceptance to the Comments section,
OH OH! My verybig 404 got an award!
What do I get?
In replying to Jen, I suddenly realized that “What do I get?” could theoretically mean “What [does she] get – in addition to the thanks of a grateful nation that is always implicit in any Heck Of A Guy award and DrHGuy’s personal (as well as both assonantal and alliterative) adoration, admiration, and adulation?”
Anyway, it occurred to me that a prize might be a good idea. (Not so good an idea as to win yet another award, mind you, but pretty darn good.) Awards, after all, identify and celebrate excellence, honor hard work, lend an air of ceremonial festivity, and impute authority to the award-granter. Besides, a prize might seduce another page view or two. So, I’ve been working on it.
The problem is that here at the Heck Of A Guy blog, we got no swag. Oh, we’ve got big plans on the swag front but today, we got no swag.
We do, however, have certain improvisational skills, motivation, and a house full of potential prizes.
So, in the best tradition of the Southwest Missouri Empire District Fair carnival midway, the Heck Of A Guy blog offers Jen, the 404 Page winner who so wisely acknowledged her honor, her choice of any one of the emblems of our esteem listed below.
Prizes
A. A genuine, certified National Basketball Association-registered unused Indiana Pacers pencil with eraser (a superfluous element for one who doesn’t make mistakes) removed to decrease weight and improve top end speed.
B. A Wiffle golf ball which has been stored for the past five years immediately adjacent to my kids’ Ryne Sandberg autographed baseball.
C. The premier Hilton Head souvenir, a Salty Dog T-shirt I have personally worn for the past three years and which is now almost perfectly broken in. Above photo is front view; below is back view.
D. A selection of unused bookmarks from well-known bookstores.
E. Nerd Glasses – invaluable for first dates with geeks, international spy disguises, and meetings with venture capitalists.
F. Magnetic message tablet and sticky notes with SmarterKids.com logo.
G. Robots shuffle toy thingie – drop the weight at the end of the string over the edge a table and watch the robots shuffle along in unison. Minutes of fun.
H. Video tape: Two “hilarious episodes” of Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist Comedy Central cartoon show (1995-1999) in Squigglevision . Ray Romano and Rodney Dangerfield featured in these episodes.
I. One yellow toothbrush that certainly appears as good as new; already removed from original container for added convenience.
J. Handcuffs. Please note these are constructed of plastic and may not prove optimal in the apprehension of violent felons who lack a sense of whimsy.
K. Unused container of Flarp noise putty, which produces, as advertised, disgusting sounds strikingly similar to flatulence when manipulated. (This prize is a regifted item contributed by Lawanda.)
L. A keychain with the legend, Playa Del Carmen (Mexico), on one side but exactly the same words on the other.
M. An all purpose, always handy Get Out Of Hell Free card (See Urban Skills: Salvation From Sins)
N. The Mesomorph (pictured above) or The Prodigal (pictured below), both of whom are fine specimens of …, well, let’s just leave it at “fine specimens.” Care and feeding instructions included. (Note: This prize entails special shipping charges and is offered on an As Is basis with no returns)
Footnotes
- A “404 Page” is the content that shows up in ones browser when a requested web page can’t be found ↩
