I Can’t Believe It’s Not Music
Last week, Helen at Blogger On The Cast Iron Balcony, with the psychosocial support of the stalwarts at Larvatus Prodeo1 fessed up to a predilection for Boston’s More than a Feeling, which resides at the #2 slot of LPs Totally uncool guilt-free list. (ELO’s Livin’ Thing is Number One in this particular hit parade.)
Since then, of course, I’ve spent every day beset by tunes that should, had I an iota of musicological self-respect and taste, cause me shame and humiliation but, instead, spontaneously send me into transports of delight, which, by the way, is the reason I haven’t returned those emails or finished the project I promised would be ready yesterday.2
Now, astute Heck Of A Guy visitors may have noted that I am a tad judgmental, perhaps even fastidious about what I read, cavalierly dismissing well-regarded authors if their syntax strikes me as cumbersome or their metaphors a bit strained. I despair over typos and lament the unearned conclusion. But has that song got a beat? Can somebody, somewhere dance to it? Close enough. I’ll give it a 97. I find the esteem shown for Robert Frost’s poetry difficult to reconcile; Tom Jones, on the other hand, I recognize as an underappreciated genius.
Further exacerbating the situation, Lawanda has requested a wedding-themed mix CD for a friend’s impending nuptials, a happy chore which has, however, re-exposed me to a category of songs3 especially likely to result in public ridicule if not physical abuse.
I do realize that there is pop music that is good, and there is pop music that I like. In a Venn Diagram, those two sets of songs would be represented by two circles that would only partially overlap; I have no doubt that a portion of the “Songs I like” circle would lie far outside the “Songs that are good” circle. I am certain, for example, that Anjani’s Blue Alert album is of an exponentially higher quality than some songs I name in the next section. It isn’t that I don’t know better; it’s just that I like some music even though I know it’s abominable.
There are, by the way, loads of performers whose pop songs I don’t like. One example, two words: Milli Vanilli.
Confessions
I initially set out to completely purge my system of these sins against melody, but realized that such an onslaught might permanently distort the time-space continuum, which would be a truckload of Karma to repay. Consequently, this is a representative but not an exhaustive list. In any case, I have far too many songs to list in one post. And for a couple of items, I really should check the statute of limitations.4
I like Neil Diamond’s music.
All of it.
A lot.
And, not in an ironic, smirky way.
I especially like the schmaltzy songs. I sometimes sing along on Sweet Caroline. In fact, I just switched the house system to the Neil Diamond playlist (42 of my favorite Neil Diamond hits). Sigh – at this very moment, I’m getting off on Forever In Blue Jeans.5 
And I’m an unrepentant fan of The Monkees repertoire: I’m A Believer, Last Train To Clarksville, Pleasant Valley Sunday,6, and all the rest. I like the theme song to the Monkees TV show. Heck, I liked the Monkees TV show. And, yes, I know the group was put together to play the role of a quasi-Beatles band on the TV show.7 And yes, I don’t care. Give me Daydream Believer on a sunshine-filled summer Saturday, and I’m a happy DrHGuy.
Speaking of daydreams, I might as well admit that I also like The Lovin’ Spoonful of Daydream fame.
Come on, you must have liked one or two of their songs: Nashville Cats? Summer In The City? Younger Girl? Did You Ever Have To Make Up Your Mind?
Well, I like them anyway.
There are songs that even I can’t believe I enjoy, but I do find myself, for example, singing along with The Oak Ridge Boys on Elvira and doing the disco moves - moves that I never performed during the disco era - to Stayin’ Alive by The Bee Gees.
Not impressed/appalled yet? Well, how about Britney Spears singing Mona Lisa? How about Nancy Sinatra’s These Boots Are Made For Walking or Everybody Dance Now by C & C Music Factory? Like it. Like it. Like it.
How about K.C. and the Sunshine Band breaking into Boogie Shoes with soul searching lyrics like these:
Girl, to be with you is my fav’rite thing
uh huh
and i can’t wait til i see you again
yeah, yeah
I want to put on my my my my my
boogie shoes
just to boogie with you, yeah
I want to put on my my my my my
boogie shoes just to boogie with you, uh huh
Even if I had not grooved8 to the Bat Out Of Hell album, I’d like Meatloaf if for no other reason than the New York Times and the Wall Street Journal inevitably referring to him as “Mr. Loaf.”
I not only like The Sign by Ace of Base, I even like the Mountain Goats song about The Sign by Ace of Base.
It gets worse.
The 5-0 Face-off
You may or may not know that the Theme From Hawaii 5-0 has lyrics. The officially preferred set was sung, naturally, by Don Ho. As the pounding music transitions into a ballad, one can hear Don croon these words (which I’ve rendered phonetically to approximate Mr. Ho’s expressive performance),
If you’re feelin’ lonely
You can come with me
Feel my arms around you
Lay beside the seeeeeeea
We will think of somethin’ to do
Do it till it’s perfect for you
And for me too
You can come with meeeee.
So leave your world behind you
You can come with me
Sing a song I’ll teach you
Live your fantasyyyyyyy
Love ya in a natural way
Doesn’t matter what time of day
You and I play
You can come with meeeee
Won’tcha come with meeee
You can come with meeee.9
With due respect to Don Ho, I’m not wild about the song.
But did you know that Sammy Davis, Jr. sang a version of the Theme From Hawaii 5-0 called You Can Count on Me?10
If you get in trouble
Bring it home to me
Whether I am near you
Or across the sea
I will think of something to do
I’ll be on the lookout for you
And I’ll find you
You can count on me
And don’t you let ‘em get you
Up against the wall
‘Cause I’ll be there to catch you
And I won’t let you fall
Call me if they hit you below
Call me when there’s nowhere to go
And I’ll be there
You can count on me (You can count on me)
And if they all desert you
And you start to bend
You know I won’t let them hurt you
And I don’t pretend
Don’t call if you’ve got nothing to say
Don’t call me if you just want to play
But call me on Devil’s Day
You can count on me
You can count on
You can count on
You can count on
You can count on
Count on me!
I feel compelled to play this sucker at least every three or four months. (Hey, it was #229 on the Dutch Top Singles Of 1976 list.)
I’ll spare you, for now, my preferred Country & Western list and the novelty songs. (I suppose it may be significant that I don’t consider Sammy Davis, Jr. singing You Can Count on Me to the tune of Theme From Hawaii 5-0 a novelty song.)
And Catharsis
Anyway, I certainly feel a burden lifted. Enjoy the weekend.
Updated: DrHGuy Channels Dr Demento
Footnotes
- The folks at Larvatus Prodeo describe the site as “an Australian group blog which discusses politics, sociology, culture, life, religion and science from a left of centre perspective.” Does anyone else get turned on by the phrase “Australian group blog?”↩
- I don’t blame Helen for this — although it’s clearly her fault.↩
- One of my playlists I consult on such occasions is named “At Every Damn Wedding.”↩
- More Confessions:While I’m in the confessional mode, let’s get these out of the way:
- I buy bottled water even though I know Consumer Reports says it’s no healthier or better-tasting than tap water
- Even though every magazine fashion advice column points to it as a faux pas of the most malignant sort, I wear my cell phone clipped to my belt. I can’t stand the lump in my pocket or digging into my pants to find the thing when it rings.
- I once persuaded Julie to buy herself a pair of skin-tight, metallic gold jeans that were so provocative that she refused to wear them outside our home, but I thought she looked great in them. (Hmmm. Maybe this is a boast instead of a confession. Never mind.)
- I last wore blue jeans a decade ago↩
- Pleasant Valley Sunday was, by the way, written by Carole King↩
- Did you know that Stephen Stills was shortlisted for the role Peter Tork eventually played? Or that White-Out was invented by the mother of Mike Nesmith?↩
- OK, it’s obvious I’ve never grooved to anything. I don’t even know anyone who has grooved. I just ran out of synonyms for “liked” and “enjoyed.”↩
- The final line was sometimes sung as You can come with meeee but at other times as You can come with meeeeeeee↩
- Here, I must give a plug to The Bubble Gum Machine which has Sammy’s Hawaiian ditty available for free download along with such monsters as
It’s a Nice World to Visit (But Not to Live In) - Ann Margret
Sha-La Love You - Lancelot Link & The Evolution Revolution
L.O.D. (Love On Delivery) - Billy Ocean
The Great Airplane Strike - Paul Revere & The Raiders
The Bubble Gum Machine’s Manifesto reads:
If it’s ever been on K-Tel or Ronco, it’s in. If it features hand claps, cow bells, syrupy orchestration, walls of sound, wrecking crews, sha-la-las, toothy teen idols, candy-based metaphors for carnal acts or lyrics about hugging, squeezing and rocking all night long, it’s in.↩
