Tiara Yes - Tonsils No
One of my buddies, Hippie With Tiara, is convalescing this weekend from being de-tonsilled.1 HWT, disguised as mild-mannered Mrs. Science, nurtured not only Mr. Science2 but also the Duke of Derm, me, and other of the Lost Boys during the first year of medical school, providing laughter, excellent tacos, a ready ear that was always available to us,3 and an incredible tolerance for medical school war stories and our (continuing) predilection for interjecting into conversations, typically without discernable provocation, exclamations culled from watching professional wrestling.4
So, as a token of appreciation and affection, this weekend edition of the Heck Of A Guy blog offers three web gizmos, selected for HWT’s amusement and diversion. Generous spirit that she is, however, I am sure she won’t mind sharing her toys.
Line Rider
Line Rider is especially addictive. (Remember the first time you were able to successfully play with a yo-yo? And then wouldn’t let go of it for three days? It’s like that.)
It’s simple: draw a line from left to right that slopes downward and that figure on the sled will slide down it. The full instructions are about three lines longer than that.
Take care, Line Rider can fall off the sled or tumble downward in a bottomless abyss if that’s the way the line(s) are drawn (intentionally or unintentionally). But, if the line-drawer is a way cool sort of dude, Line Rider can perform jumps and land successfully. That would look, oh, something like this:
To Ride The Line, slide over to
Line Rider
Mr Picasso Head
Hippie With Tiara is of the artsy-fartsy persuasion so Mr Picasso Head seems an appropriate selection. It’s Mr Potato Head morphed into Picasso-esque representations on a cyber-canvas, inspiring one to produce works of art such as this suitable for framing masterpiece:
Hey, give me a break. At least my Line Rider guy can do jumps. (Besides, look at the stylized signature. Heck, if Mr Picasso Head did nothing but produce those slick autographs, it would still be worth a recommendation.)
To explore your inner artist, go to
Mr Picasso Head
Movie Mappr
You take your Google Map thing and you smush it into your movie database thing and you get a thing that shows you where a movie was shot.5
If one plugs in “Kansas City, MO,” a randomly chosen city that happens to the home of HWT, this map is generated:
as is this movie listing:6
While the site’s aesthetics are a tad crude, the database is rich. One can also search by movie name to find the location, enabling one and all to learn, for example, that “Ground Hog Day” was filmed in Woodstock, IL, within five miles of Heck Of A House. Clicking on the red placeholders gives the name(s) of the movie(s) shot at that specific location. Entering “Risky Business” generates four locations, Chicago (city scenes), Niles East High School (school scenes), Highland Park (home scenes), and the Drake Hotel (duh). Clicking on the Highland Park marker then reveals that the North Shore bastion of suburbanhood was also the shooting site for Prelude To A Kiss, The Color Of Money, Sixteen Candles, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Ordinary People, Uncle Buck, Home Alone, Weird Science, and The Ice Harvest. Clicking on the movie titles also produces the year of production, the stars, and the opportunity to buy the movie at Amazon.
Since Mr. Science was an anthropology major, I’ll leave it to him to draw conclusions about the psychosocial implications of the kinds of movies made in a given area. The types of movies made in Highland Park, for example, don’t seem to have much overlap with those made in the Kansas City area (e.g., In Cold Blood, DysFunktional Family, Sometimes They Come Back, and, my personal favorite, Zombiegedddon).
Map your movie locations at
Movie Mappr
Footnotes
- Which evidences my wisdom in choosing the pseudonym, “Hippie With Tiara,” over the contender, “Hippie With Tonsils.” ~back~
- As part of his participation in the federal Witness Protection Program, “Mr. Science” has been rechristened “Lord Of Leisure” ~back~
- Hippie With Tiara’s ready ear was attached to a sexy body that was admired conceptually by us but was otherwise available only to Mr. Science ~back~
- I suspect that if one were to perform a statistical analysis of the frequency of occurrence in conversations of, for example, the phrase, “He’s biting his eye,” our group would be found in the 99th percentile. ~back~
- Apparently, in the smushing, the “e” in “Mapper” is vaporized. ~back~
- In Movie Mappr itself, the map and the listings are displayed side by side. I’ve separated them here for easier viewing. Also, the listing page is truncated in two dimensions here; there are several move movies listed that one views by using the vertical scroll bar and some of the longer movie names are seen only by using a horizontal scroll bar. ~back~
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Goldwater: In Your Heart You Knew He Was Mr. Right
DrHGuy On Goldwater On Goldwater
I caught CC Goldwater on The Daily Show, pimping Goldwater On Goldwater, her kinda-sorta documentary about her grandfather, Barry Goldwater. Having harbored an admiration for the man since his run for president when I was in high school, I tuned in to the HBO special - and I’m glad I did.
You should be glad as well because … but first, I require a brief digression in the service of setting up an analogy:
I have accumulated a dozen or more low fidelity MP3 files of Leonard Cohen singing such improbable songs as “Another Saturday Night,” “As Time Goes By,” “I Can’t Help Falling In Love With You,” and “I’m The Man Who Wrote Suzanne (A Hundred Years Ago),” a set of lyrics sung to the tune of “Suzanne” improvised when he forgot the lines to that song. While I feel these recordings are quite special and, indeed, treasure them, I nonetheless realize that this esoteric collection will appeal primarily and perhaps exclusively to the hard core Cohen contingent.
Similarly, if you were, as I was (and as was Hillary Clinton), or still are a Goldwater junkie, Goldwater On Goldwater provides sufficient return on an investment of 90 minutes; otherwise, I’d suggest spending your discretionary TV time watching episodes from the first season of Scrubs, now that it’s in syndication. Goldwater On Goldwater does, however, have its moments, which, lucky ducks, I distill for you in this post, thus bestowing upon you the full benefits of the program and an estimated savings of 84 minutes, 22 seconds.
Because [prepare for today's blog slogan]
It’s HOAG
The HBO Special
This is an oddly constructed program. Goldwater On Goldwater is a documentary to the same extent that my videos of Da Boyz sprinting around the Christmas tree and then tearing open their presents would be if I had also interspersed some comments about them from their grandmothers, a teacher, and a friend or two.
In many ways, Goldwater On Goldwater resembles a student project that combines the Goldwater family scrapbook, a couple of chapters from a 1960’s political primer, a few panoramic shots of the Arizona desert for local color, and a “I Love My Grandpa” T-shirt, all spliced together with newsreel footage of the period.
Then, there are the interviews.
Goldwater On Goldwater has the requisite film clips of and commentary from family members. The choice of non-family interviewees, however, has a weird skew. George Will gets a fair amount of camera time, but as far as I can recall, he and Richard Viguerie are the only professional conservatives in the bunch along with John Warner and Justice O’Conner from the centrist GOP group. Given the number of conservatives writing books and making pronouncements these days (William F. Buckley Jr, for example), I was surprised that none of the others found their way into a professed documentary that posits Barry Goldwater as the fountainhead of the contemporary conservative movement.1
It’s the list of folks who are featured in this film that highlights such omissions. OK, Hillary Clinton is included on the basis her high school fling as a (and, certainly, I am not making this up) Goldwater Girl in the 1964 campaign. Walter Cronkite is in the cast, one assumes, because he is Walter Cronkite. Sen. Edward Kennedy apparently made it on camera because his brother, John Kennedy, and Goldwater were close friends.2 I can’t deduce any rationale beyond random selection from a producer’s address book for the decisions to interview Andy Rooney, Bob Schieffer, Normal Lear, Helen Thomas, James Carville, Ben Bradlee, Sally Quinn, and Al Franken.
Here’s a rule of thumb for you budding cinematic auteurs:
If you’re making a documentary about Barry Goldwater with Al Franken3 as one of your featured experts, you’re not making a documentary about Barry Goldwater.
Barry Goldwater: The Man
Barry Goldwater
- Believed in small government and large armies
- Opposed federal civil rights legislation, believing it unconstitutional
- Supported gay rights
- Supported Pro-choice legislation
He was for and against a lot of other stuff as well. The important point, however, is that everyone knew what he was for and against.
Well, everyone who listened knew what he for and against because he told us. His subtle signals that he was pro-gay rights, for example, included his declaration that the GOP’s stand against legislation affirming basic rights and military service for homosexuals was, in a word, ”dumb.” He then went on to point out that his grandson and a grandniece were gay.
He also said
Hmmm. I think I’ve got it.
Goldwater was, in fact, characteristically blunt and, arguably, a tad quick to shoot from the lip. Another of his remarks is “There are words of mine floating around in the air that I would like to reach up and eat.”
Consider these Solid Goldwater quotes:
- Nixon was the most dishonest individual I have ever met in my life. He lied to his wife, his family, his friends, his colleagues in the Congress, lifetime members of his own political party, the American people and the world.
- We cannot allow the American flag to be shot at anywhere on earth if we are to retain our respect and prestige.
- To insist on strength is not war-mongering. It is peace-mongering.
- I would remind you that extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice! And let me remind you also that moderation in the pursuit of justice is no virtue.
- I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass
- It’s wonderful that we have so many religious people in our party, … They need to leave their theologies in their churches,
- The best thing Clinton could do … is to shut up… . He has no discipline. … If he’d let his wife run business, I think he’d be better off4
Anyone not clear on that?
It is worth noting the obvious - that many of the issues on which he was most outspoken were political bombs around which more pragmatic candidates would tiptoe.5
It is likewise important that Barry Goldwater, in addition to advocating such fun activities as kicking Jerry Falwell’s ass, also advocated bombing North Viet Nam into a “swamp” rather than permit another American soldier die there. And, he insisted that Americans realize that civilians would likely be killed in any bombing raid and certainly would be in the sort of missions he proposed. And, he also opposed federal civil rights legislation.
The preceding paragraph is my subtle way of distinguishing between the idea that Goldwater was always right and the idea that Goldwater was always clear about where he stood.
Even at the time, it seemed to me that the likely outcomes of some of Goldwater’s proposed programs were far too uncertain to make In your heart you know he’s right6 an effective slogan and that, in any case, it missed the point. The more accurate, if perhaps less pithy, slogan would be In your heart, you know he means exactly what he says.
There is a relatively bland Goldwater quote that, I would argue, is as important in characterizing him as of his grander, more provocative statements,
To disagree, one doesn’t have to be disagreeable
Barry Goldwater was a politician who revealed in simple, direct sentences what he supported, what he opposed, and what he planned to do about it and who not only behaved civilly toward his opponents but extended them friendship and, until they proved unworthy of it, trust.7 His anger toward Nixon, for example, was triggered by Nixon’s bald-faced lies to him at a time when Goldwater was trying to be supportive of a man he found personally distasteful. In fact, Goldwater’s anger and his most vicious insults were directed at one trait: dishonesty. Otherwise, he made it a point to tolerate opposition and embrace his opponents.
I found the most telling moment in Goldwater On Goldwater to be Julian Bond’s statement, issued on behalf of the NAACP, that although Goldwater was not a racist, his opposition to the Civil Rights Act was wrong. While this seems to have impressed no one else, I am certainly taken by the notion of any political leader strongly opposing the program of another political figure without defaming him personally. That the issue, racism, was especially volatile and that the leader who eschewed going negative was Julian Bond, who has evidenced few inhibitions about levelling personal accusations, including but by no means limited to racism creates, in my eyes, a powerful acknowledgement of and testimony to Goldwater’s honesty.
I find it difficult to name another politician other than Goldwater with that kind of reputation for truthfulness and integrity. Indeed, I can only think of a handful of people, regardless of profession or circumstances, that match Goldwater in those characteristics.
The Cheerful Malcontent
Goldwater was indeed known as “The Cheerful Malcontent,”8 and displayed an enviably dry wit.
One of my few specific memories of his failed presidential bid is of him casually telling reporters who asked what he did after his devastating loss, [After returning to Arizona]
I just came up here on the hill with [my wife] Peggy, sat out there watching the sunset, and whistled, “Hail to the Chief.”
Director’s Cut Bonus #1: The Factoids
For the record, Goldwater was also a highly skilled photographer and ham radio operator as well as a successful businessman. In addition, he was a military pilot in World War II and, while he was a Senator, was known for having personally flown (not “flown in” but “flown”) every military jet manufactured. Finally, he was a student of and major benefactor to Indian tribes in the Southwest, arranging medical care, supporting pro-Indian legislation, and protecting them from local politicians. None of that has much to do with this essay, but when is the next time I’m likely to post about Barry Goldwater?
Director’s Cut Bonus #2: The Fantasy
What are the chances of another Goldwater coming to the political forefront now? Another cowboy riding out of the west? Make that another Jewish cowboy riding out of the west? A guy who says exactly what he thinks even if he is hassled for it? But a man who is still friendly and funny?
Now, that would be Kinky.
Footnotes
- While there is no disputing Goldwater’s role in the growth of the conservative movement, the film’s implicit contention that he was its founder and primary theorist is by no means established and, indeed, is doubtful, but that’s a matter for a book or a real documentary to address ~back~
- Goldwater and JFK also anticipated being rivals in the presidential race and had worked up preliminary plans for touring the country in the same plane to carry out a series of debates. ~back~
- I think Al Franken, as a political humorist, is a good enough comedy writer although I like his older work better than his more recent efforts. I think Mr. Franken, as a potential senatorial candidate candidate from Minnesota, is a good enough comedy writer ~back~
- Goldwater’s concerns about Clinton did not seem to be the result of prudery, as these quotes indicate:
* “Hubert Humphrey talks so fast that listening to him is like trying to read Playboy magazine with your wife turning the pages.”
* “I think any man in business would be foolish to fool around with his secretary. If it’s somebody else’s secretary, fine.”
* “If you don’t get it by midnight, you might as well go to bed.” (Advice he gave to his son) ~back~ - As I envision the political bomb metaphor, I picture Barry backing away from the bomb — to get a running start for his kick ~back~
- The Democrats’ counter, by the way, was “In you guts, you know he’s nuts.” ~back~
- He also extended them, as many of his friends and political foes testify, premium grade liquor ~back~
- That Goldwater was known as “The Cheerful Malcontent” and another leader of that era, Hubert Humphrey, was known as “The Happy Warrior” makes me think that folks in Washington were having a lot more fun than I was having, growing up in Southwest Missouri at the time. ~back~
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Using Yes.com To Identify Music
Say you’re cruising along in your ‘57 Chevy, listening to the local too cool for school station spinning the hits when you hear the grooviest tune ever but you miss the DJ’s intro so you don’t know the name of the song or the artist. And the gang at the malt shop were pumping nickels into the jukebox so no one there can name that tune. Bummer, eh?
Well, don’t sweat it, Daddy-O, all is not lost.
At the next opportunity (any time within the seven days of the song being played), you and Suzy Q make the scene at Yes.com on the intenet dial, plug in your zip code, and get the list of local stations. It might look something like this:
Click on your station, and you see your very own hit parade of songs (and commercials, for that matter) played at that station with a timeline.
Match the time and date your new fave played, and you are, in a word, hep.
If you really dig the song, you can plonk down your virtual coins on the link to buy it from iTunes or Amazon.com.
Yes.com also does other tricks.
You can search not only by Zip Code, but also by Station Call Letters, Station Frequency, Station Nickname, or Artist. If the ratio station offers streaming, you can listen to what’s happening now. If you are a registered member (free registration), you can bookmark and rate a song by calling 888-YES-8888. That song is then added to your personal listing, and you can check it out later.
Cool Beans.
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Thinking Out Of The (Amazon) Unbox
Mea Culpa, Mea Culpa, Mea Maxima Culpa1
Not only was I wrong, but I was wrong for the least likely of reasons - a failure of my obsessiveness, cynicism, and suspicion.
Recently, I recommended (see Freebie Amazon Video Download) a free introductory video download Amazon.com was offering to introduce their Unbox service.
The free video part was just that — a gratis video download. So far, so good. The problem was that I didn’t read the fine print, in this case, the fine print of the terms of service agreement to which customers had to agree before downloading a Unbox video.
And I didn’t read it, I’m chagrined to admit, because I never saw the agreement. My satellite internet access effectively blocks such sizable downloads so I couldn’t complete the transaction. I checked for other quirks (e.g., any commitment to continue the service or the necessity to opt out or be automatically charged for the next offering) but I did not think about the terms of service agreement. That, in retrospect, seems an understandable error but nonetheless an error.
And, even if I had seen the contract or thought to check it out, I might well have skipped it, partially because it is long and legalese-laden, but primarily because I would have assumed Amazon wouldn’t insist on an agreement that was incongruent with its core principles of customer service.
You see, I’ve had nothing but stellar service from Amazon; and I’ve bought plenty of books, CDs, furniture, electronics, cameras, office supplies, cosmetics, food, clothing, and much more over the years so Jeff Bezos has had a multitude of chances to increase his profits by refusing a return, for example, or by exploiting a pricing misunderstanding. When problems have occurred, they have been resolved - in every single case - in my favor, including one episode in which Amazon compensated me for a denied rebate on an item I purchased from Amazon even though the rebate had been offered (and denied) by the manufacturer and Amazon had no responsibility or even knowledge of it.
That assumption was wrong. I am formally apologizing because I continuously importune others to follow the principle of caveat emptor and because I recommended the Unbox service. Despite my sometimes cavalier tone, I take this stuff seriously, and readers have a right to expect that I practice what I preach.
The Contract
[Note: By reducing the font size to 7 and squeezing the lines together to the extent possible, I was able to reduce the agreement from its original 17 pages to only 8 pages.]
As far as the content of Amazon’s Unbox agreement, AKA Evil Incarnate, I urge you to check out Cory Doctorow’s point-by-point dissection of the contract, which can be found at
BoingBoing On Amazon Unbox’s User Agreement
The following excerpt, however, aptly characterizes the entire essay:
Amazon Unbox user agreement is only a couple femtometers2 more dignified than being traded to another inmate for a couple packs of cigarettes.
Suffice it to say that the agreement permits Amazon to install software on the buyer’s computer that could monitor licenses, report back to Amazon and others about ones viewing and listening habits, upgrade itself without the owner’s knowledge, and execute many other nefarious deeds.
I hope any of you who were interested in this service were smart enough to read the agreement first, sneer, and reject the deal. If you have downloaded from Amazon Unbox, I suggest you request a refund and delete the whole mess. (Deleting the software also deletes the movies.)
Once again, mea culpa, my bad, and extended apologies.
I’ll be more careful in the future.
Footnotes
- Don’t you agree that the more complete quote, “Mea Culpa, Mea Culpa, Mea Maxima Culpa,” (translated as “through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault”) excerpted from the Catholic confessional prayer, Confiteor, is much more emphatic than the typical partial excerpt, “Mea Culpa” - as per my contention in an earlier post, Quasi-Quotation Quarantine? See, I’m not always wrong. ~back~
- I didn’t know what a femtometer was either, although I suspected it was pretty small. It is. The diameter of the nucleus of the U238 atom is 13.6 femtometers ~back~
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A Lesbian Trapped In A Man’s Body
Today’s Quiz:
Name a Yemen-born, dyslexic, exceedingly funny, British comic who (convincingly) describes himself as a “male lesbian” or, alternately, “a lesbian trapped in a man’s body?”
Need another clue?
He also (again, convincingly) describes himself as an “executive transvestite.”
If your answer is “Eddie Izzard,” you may be excused for the rest of the day; the primary purpose of this post is to introduce the uninitiated to Mr. Izzard. The number of folks who are completely unaware of Mr. Izzard is unaccountably large, especially given that he has performed his standup shows around the world during the past decade, has been on TV and on the stage, has appeared in movies (Ocean’s Twelve, Ocean’s Eleven, The Avengers, My Super Ex-Girlfriend, and others), has starred in and won two Emmy Awards for his own HBO special, Dress to Kill, and is, one must admit, rather conspicuous.
This post does include recent updates on his acting career so even if you already know about Eddie, you may want to hang around, but if you do, please don’t ruin things for newcomers by shouting out the answers.
If you couldn’t come up with even one Yemen-born, dyslexic, funny, cross-dressing British comic,1 gather round. You have a treat coming.
Eddie Izzard and Cross-Dressing
While Eddie Izzard is certainly more comfortable in female accoutrements than your average guy, 
the somewhat disappointing fact is that sex, perversion, kink, and novelty together comprise, by my calculations, approximately 3% of his appeal. The rest originates from above his neck rather than below his belt.
But, just to get it out of the way, Eddie (and this doesn’t seem at all fair) is a handsome man of masculine appearance, who, as it happens, can look quite fetching in full female regalia. Izzard claims that he is heterosexual, which is hardly surprising; Eddie and clinical studies are in agreement that, as Eddie phrases it, “Most transvestites fancy girls.”
The Other 97% Of Eddie’s Appeal
I do have a problem with Mr. Izzard’s cross-dressing.
It’s a too easily available label by which the intellectually slothful (that would be me) and those tempted by histrionic headlines (me again) to identify Eddie Izzard,2 and, in doing so, assign him to a category that is more distracting than revealing – as in “Eddie Izzard. You know, the guy who does his comedy show wearing women’s clothes, No, no, no, he’s not a drag queen. He just does his stand-up routine in a dress or sometimes a nice pantsuit. He has an English accent. Says he likes girls - and girls’ clothes. You know who I mean.”
This problem is exacerbated by the difficulty of describing Eddie’s comedy. I’ve revised this section a dozen times because nothing I’ve written even gives me a clue about his humor — and I already know how funny he is; what are the chances of conveying that concept to someone else? Lord knows I tried. For example, “Well, one of his famous bits is about the Church of England being less punitive than the Roman Catholics so instead of the Spanish Inquisition, the Anglicans threaten heretics with “Cake or Death.” Everyone, of course, selects “cake.” See how funny that is?” (The “Cake or Death” bit is quoted at some length and, one hopes, to greater effect later on.)
Perhaps, however, I can provide an overview.
Hmmm. How to put it? How about this: Eddie Izzard is cleverness personified.
He is sufficiently quick-witted and intelligent to be capable of tying together the latest US governmental goofiness, Greek, Roman, and Norse mythology, contemporary theology, the learning processes of cavemen, British sexual and social mores, the discoveries of Pavlov, Heimlich, and other scientific and clinical folks, and the contrast between the European and American perspectives of history into one continuous, cogent, and comic monologue, interrupted sporadically by Eddie humming or muttering “ummm,” “so … yeah,” and other filler syllables to himself while he sets up his next conversational foray, organically building the entire interchange with the audience (he has the uncanny ability to evoke a conversational sense, even when one is viewing his act on TV) to lead into to an altogether gratifying conclusion at the end of the show.
He adamantly and consistently denies that any of his stand-up performances are scripted, and multiple reviews indicate that no two performances are identical. He also makes a show of pretending to write notes about the audience’s reaction to his lines, especially if the response is bland (e.g., “Never, ever compare Jesus and motorcycles again.”)
He is an inspired role player, and takes on recurring characters such as God, Greeks hiding in the Trojan Horse, Christopher Walken, and, on occasion, a badger armed with a gun.
His act also benefits from his expertise in the field of (and there must be a more elegant term for this) funny sounds, including but definitely not limited to sawing, bees buzzing, dentists’ drills drilling, horses and zebras galloping, raspberries (of the Bronx cheer variety), and, of course, explosions caused by inflatable breasts at high altitudes, thunderbolts hitting medicine cabinets, people, buttocks, and pilot fish.
He is sardonic without being mean-spirited and, most importantly, understands his audience, himself, and the relationship that connects him and the ticket-holders.
Favorite Izzard Lines
Guns don’t kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun).
I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.
Pol Pot killed one point seven million Cambodians, died under house arrest, well done there. Stalin killed many millions, died in his bed, aged seventy-two, well done indeed. And the reason we let them get away with it is they killed their own people. And we’re sort of fine with that. Hitler killed people next door. Oh, stupid man. After a couple of years we won’t stand for that, will we?
We have two hundred languages in Europe. Two hundred languages! Count them! I know you won’t!
Squirrels always eat nuts with two hands, always two hands, “arararar”, and occasionally, they stop and go, oh, uh, ah, as if they’re going, “Did I leave the gas on? No! I’m, no I’m a f**king squirrel!” And occasionally they go, “F**king nuts! Fed up with them always. I long for a grapefruit.”
I like my coffee like I like my women…in a plastic cup.
There’s no Church of England fundamentalism. We can’t have Church of England fundamentalism. You know like they have Islamic fundamentalism. Jihad! …Ah ha… Church of England fundamentalism is impossible because you can’t have: “You must have tea and cake with the vicar or you die!” Tea and cake or death! Students with beards, “Tea and cake or death! Tea and cake or death! Little Red Cookbook! Little Red Cookbook!” Ca – you know, ’cause, “Cake or death?” That’s a pretty easy question. Everybody – anyone could answer that. “Cake or death?” “Uhh, cake please.” “Very well! Give him cake!” “Oh, thanks very much. It’s very nice!” “You! Cake or death?” “Uh, cake for me, too, please!” “Very well! Give him cake, too! We’re gonna run out of cake at this rate. You! Cake or death?” “Uh, death, please. No, cake! Cake! Cake, sorry. Sorry…” “You said death first, ah-ha, ah-ha, death first!” “Well I meant cake!” “Oh, all right. You’re lucky I’m Church of England! Cake or death?” “Uh, cake please.” “Well, we’re out of cake! We only had three bits and we didn’t expect such a rush! So what’ll it be?” “What, so my choice is ‘or death?’ Well, then I’ll have the chicken, please.””
What? … the Carthaginians are attacking? God, I knew they’d do that. What? … They are attacking over the Alps? Damn, I knew they’d do that. What? … They’re coming on Elephants? … Where’d they get the Elephants? There aren’t any Elephants in Europe. This I got to see… Are you sure? … its not just a typo mistake? Perhaps, The Carthaginians are attacking over the alps and they are in their element? Kind of upbeat you know. They’re coming on fucking elephants, huh.”
Most Recently
Eddie Izzard and Minnie Driver have been signed for the lead roles in Lowlife, a new TV series produced by the creators of Nip/Tuck. They play a husband and wife who are con-artists traveling through America. FX Networks president John Landgraf describes the marriage as “very complicated.”
Izzard has also signed on to play a villainous sort on season six of Fox TV’s “24.”
Videos
Embedded video players, preloaded with the clips indicated below, can be found on a single web page at Media: A Lesbian Trapped In A Man’s Body
Links to the videos are provided below; clicking on them will take you to Youtube or Google Video where the clips are available.
Links
Eddie Izzard -Definite Article
Eddie Izzard - Death Star Canteen
Eddie Izzard - Being Bilingual
There is a lot-o-Eddie on Youtube. Try this search
Eddie On Youtube
Footnotes
- If your answer was something other than “Eddie Izzard” or “I dunno,” do email me; I certainly want to keep my listings of Yemen-born, dyslexic, funny, cross-dressing British comics complete. ~back~
- My excuses for taking the easy way out are that (1) clearly, Mr. Izzard uses the transvestism as part of his schtick and if it’s good enough for Eddie, it’s good enough for me and (2) hey, I’ve got deadlines too, ya know. ~back~
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Honeycrisp Apples:
Sweet As Honey and Crisp As, Ah, A Really Crisp Apple
The Sorry State Of Affairs
My personal perception is that the quality of apples from supermarkets has changed over the past decade in the worst of possible ways:
- Their taste and texture have deteriorated
- The cosmetics have improved
Consequently, not only are fewer tasty apples on the market, but distinguishing between good and bad apples by appearance has become almost impossible.
The Sad Case Of The Braeburn
I am bummed on Braeburns. When I first discovered these once wonderful dessert apples, I was delighted with their complex sweet-tart taste and the palpable snap when I bit into them. I also appreciated their congruently blended appearance.1
In the past two to three years, however, I have purchased far more soft textured, bland to the point of tasteless Braeburns than enjoyable ones despite carefully selecting them individually by the same criteria that had formerly yielded highly successful results.
That is good news if I were constructing an attractive autumnal centerpiece; it’s bad news if I’m craving an apple to munch.
The Orange Pippin site, which promotes apples, is admirably straightforward about Braeburns, offering a likely explanation for the problem I’ve described:
If there is a downside to Braeburn, it is probably poor quality control. Braeburn is grown throughout the warm apple-growing regions of the world, and it also keeps well in storage. As a result there can be quite a variation in quality and flavour of Braeburn apples reaching the consumer from different countries and at different times of the year. Since Braeburn is too old to be trade-marked, there is little control over the “brand” - quite a contrast with the rigourously-controlled production of Pink Lady for example.
Honeycrisp To The Rescue
The Honeycrisp, true to its name, is the sweetest apple I’ve found. Theoretically, sweetness may not appeal to every palate, but the Honeycrisp consistently rates highly in blind taste tests, 
and I’ve yet to find anyone who has tried this apple who finds the taste off-putting. The taste is intense enough that I eschew chomping directly into a Honeycrisp, typically opting to slice it into small pieces and savor the smaller bites. I also find that, while I take the greatest pleasure from the taste, I am typically satisfied with half an apple and set aside the rest for another time.
And the texture, accurately captured in the phrase “explosively crisp,”2 is, for me, perfect.
This apple’s appearance falls considerably short of spectacular and, as the supply on hand at my local market dwindles, approaches unappealing, with many lumps, bumps, and asymmetry among the specimens. Thus far, however, I’ve found even these unattractive examples to be delicious, sweet, and exceedingly crisp.
Indeed, I have yet to find a single Honeycrisp apple that was not delicious, sweet, and exceedingly crisp.
Some Technical Stuff
According to The University of Minnesota web site, the University of Minnesota developed the Honeycrisp (AKA “Minnesota 1711″) in 1960 by crossing a Macoun apple and a Honeygold.3
The significance of the Honeycrisp’s origin is that The University of Minnesota still controls the patent so I have some hope that the high quality levels will be perpetuated at least until the patent expires in 2008
Other Technical Stuff
The Honeycrisp harvest season runs from mid-September to mid-October with the peak occurring the fourth week of September. Throughout the harvest period, the flavor and aroma deepens. If refrigerated, Honeycrisp apples can be stored six months.4
As I’ve Said Before
One of my buddies, whom I had alerted to the availability of the Honeycrisps, noted that my email dealt only with this apple and demanded information about my children, social life, career, and reading. My reply conveniently summarizes this post as well:
Footnotes
- Braeburns were the first commercially available apples that were bi-colored, an attribute that has proven important and perhaps essential in promoting sales of new now regarded as essential for sales success. ~back~
- ”Explosively crisp” and variations of this phrase appear so frequently in reference to Honeycrisps that I suspect it is part of the marketing campaign; it does nonetheless effectively evoke the sensation of biting into one of these specimens ~back~
- The Honeygold itself is a cross between the Golden Delicious and Haralson ~back~
- This information is taken from Honeycrisp.org, which also provides this official-sounding data: “Honeycrisp apples are oblate to roundly oblate in shape and 2-3/4 to 3-1/2 inches (7 to 9 centimeters) in diameter. Stems are approximately 1 inch (2.5 centimeters) long and moderately stiff. Skin color is 60 to 90 percent distinctive mottled red over a yellow background. A nearly solid red coloration develops only if the fruit is well exposed to the sun. The fruit surface has shallow dimples and numerous, small lenticels (dots) with green russeting at the stem end. … The flavor is sub-acid and ranges from mild and well-balanced to strongly aromatic, depending on the degree of maturity.” ~back~