Heck Of A Guy

[This is the continuation from The Spooksound Continues]

Vibrating Razor Obliterates Legend In The Making

It would have been much more convenient had the Spooksound been an unexplained phenomenon in the manner of the Spooklight. And, it could have happened. With a bit of luck, for example, the razor’s battery could have died before The Fixer began clearing the shower area, leaving us delightfully befuddled and the sound, witnessed by two people, an eternal mystery.

Then, I could have come up with the obligatory legend to explain the noise. The obvious choice, I guess, would be something about Julie returning after death to use the shower; of course, that would pretty much assure that I’d never have another date. Something with Indians is always good for legends set in the Midwest, especially doomed lovers from warring tribes. On the other hand, if I could work in Mary and Jesus, maybe I could find some soap scum on the shower walls that looks like someone holy and sell it on eBay. Or, I could portray the sound as an auditory version of the Spooklight or even the Spooklight throwing its voice.

Next would come the publication of a sensationalized account of the event spiced up a tad by, oh, I don’t know, maybe the violent, bloody death of a handful of buxom young ladies. That would lead to a bidding war for the movie rights and fame, fortune, and the love of beautiful women.

But, Nooooooooooooooooo. The noise didn’t arise from wailing evil spirits. It was a vibrating razor.

Let’s face it – as a premise for a horror movie, a renegade razor just doesn’t have the impact of a ghost.

Yet, The Vibrating Razor Is Not Without Its Own Charm

If nothing else, the production of the vibrating razor¹ provided an exercise in figurative language. Consider this non-exhaustive list (links are to the blog of origin):

• This razor, according to these sources, vibrates like some of my personal stash or like porny things vibrate.
• Others describes it vibrating like a: cellular phone, dildo, motherfucker, hummingbird, power drill, discount sex-toy, … never mind, cheap hotel bed, terrified Yorkie dog, old school beeper, or jackhammer on words speed
• One blogger points out, At least it doesn’t vibrate as much as Robin Williams on a caffeine or cocaine binge
• Another memorably speculates that the “Gillette product geniuses” watched [the razor] buzz and bounce around like a sorority girl on Red Bull
• And yet another provides a movie of the vibrating razor literally dancing circles around a traditional razor

(Apparently) Irresistible Sexual Allusion Thinly Disguised As An Aside

It’s interesting and not entirely tangential to speculate as to the reasons for the differentiation in the marketing and construction of the vibrating razors designated for men and the ladies’ model.

While my super-duper shaver is goofy as all get-out, the female version looks as though it may well be prohibited by the anti-fun legislation in several southern states.

One notes, in addition, that while the men’s Mach3 is configured to deliver maximum vibration to the blades, the women’s Vibrance is designed such that the large, rounded end – without the razor blades –vibrates most powerfully.

As a Vibrance ad puts it,

In vibrant fuchsia, Venus Vibrance radiates femininity and energy and will look fantastic in any girl’s bathroom. With a combination of features, Venus Vibrance provides a close shave, exfoliated smooth skin, and completely new sensory experience.

Yep, that’s what I look for when I’m slicing hair from my body, a completely new sensory experience.

Another blogger, Catch 27, suggests a less nuanced comparison

What Are The Odds

Perhaps I should have been aware of this potential menace There were warnings. Consider this headline from The Boston Globe:

Gillette creates a little buzz with its new razor

Still, what are the chances that

• I would own a vibrating razor
• Said razor would begin vibrating spontaneously
• The conditions (e.g., the razor’s position on the right kind of soap tray in the right kind of show, etc.) would be such that the sound produced could be mistaken for running water
• The sound would fool not only the homeowner but also a handyman

Well, as a matter of fact, …

The Spooksound Second Site

In a casual communication recently, after we had exhausted the usual litany of topics (e.g., comparisons of local weather and gas prices, speculations re the likelihood of surviving parenthood, the vicissitudes of teaching, reports on health, etc.), Mindspinner told me her whacky story of hearing a sound that seemed to come from her bathroom but being unable to locate the source.

Mindspinner, in fact, experienced, almost detail-for-detail, my Spooksound episode a few hundred miles away, the night she thought her house would explode.

Where’s Oliver Stone When You Need Him?

The discovery of a Second Site doesn’t help with the supernatural angle, but it does open the possibility of alien visitors and, even better, conspiracy theories.

The Vibrato Conspiracy

Consider these facts.

1. These vibrating razors, now in their second generation with Gillette’s Fusion and it’s rival, Schick’s Quattro, are inexplicably profitable.

2. A plethora of accessories that unexpectedly vibrate have come to market:

How about vibrating soap?

3. P&G, Gillette’s parent corporation, also owns Oral B and has, of course, produced vibrating toothbrushes for years. They also produce, however, a power flosser that – you guessed it – vibrates.

4. By the way, guess who owns Duracell, the battery company?

Yep, P&G.

5. And, Energizer (the other battery guys) owns Schick-Wilkinson .

Coincidence? I don’t think so.

[Update: More Unpreparedness]

1. A succinct and unbiased explanation of the science behind the vibrating razor is available at Mad Physics↩