Heck Of A Guy

Yesterday’s Good Deed: Helping Old Lady Cross The Street
Today’s Good Deed: Stopping Movie Downloads

The 52,000 Los Angeles Boy Scouts now have the opportunity to earn the um, … distinctive Respect Copyrights Activity Patch (pictured above) by completing a curriculum developed by The Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA).

The program includes didactic sessions on the basics of copyright law, identification of five types of copyrighted works, and three ways copyrighted materials may be stolen. In addition, Scouts must also complete one other activity such as visiting a movie studio to gain a sense of how studio employees can be harmed by film piracy or creating anti-piracy public service announcements to earn the patch.

The inspiration for the Respect Copyrights activity is the Youth Ambassadors campaign which requires all 200,000 members (ages 9 to 25) of the Hong Kong Boy Scouts, Girl Guides and nine other youth groups not only to pledge to abstain from using or purchasing pirated materials, but also to search for and turn in illegal file-sharing sites and their users. In response to concerns raised that the program, in effect, turned the Scouts into spies and snitches, Tam Yiu-keung, the senior superintendent of customs for intellectual property investigations of the Hong Kong Excise and Customs Department, explained, “We are not trying to manipulate youths and get them into the spy profession. What we are just trying to do is arouse a civic conscience to report crimes to the authorities.”¹

Participants in the Los Angeles Scouts’ Respect Copyrights program will not, according to spokesman, Victor Zuniga, be urged to track down pirates on the Internet. He explains that, indeed, “Our program is educational.”²

If the activity patch proves successful in Las Angeles, the sponsors plan to offer it elsewhere.

Activity Patches Vs Merit Badges

While Merit Badges are required for Scouts to advance to higher ranks (such as Star, Life, and Eagle) and typically have relatively rigorous criteria,3 Activity Patches do not affect advancement, are usually associated with non-essential programs, and may entail nothing more than showing up for an event such as a camping Jamboree or may require completion of a special program. Where and when Activity Patches can be worn is governed by a set of arcane uniform policies and local traditions the complexity of which rivals any secret religious society or third world military code. Long and bitter online forum diatribes are exchanged over which Activity Patch can be worn on which location on which sleeve during which time periods (many Activity Patches can only be worn for a certain period of time after the event they commemorate takes place).

The scope of Activity Patches offered can be garnered from this set of patches sold by a single manufacturer. (Click on thumbnail to view a larger image.)

These four examples (from upper left and proceeding clockwise: a beach excursion, a science project, candle sales fundraiser, popcorn sales fundraiser) may be instructive.

More exotic patches are available, such as the “Sorrowful Mysteries” Activity Patch offered by the National Catholic Committee on Scouting Rosary Patch Program.⁴

Speaking of mysteries, I have been unable to discover the process by which special interest groups transform their organizational agenda into Scouting programs. Did the Scout leadership in Los Angeles, concerned, as we all are, about the plight of the studios facing the scourge of piracy, solicit the MPAA’s help in developing the program? If the MPAA took the initiative, bringing the proposal to the Scouts, what were the persuasive factors? Were free movie passes passed under the table? (If so, I’ll bet they weren’t those chintzy “not valid on weekends, holidays, and special showings” passes.) Were other donations made? Was Julia Roberts or Bruce Willis involved in any way? I have no idea, but, as the ad goes,
Inquiring Minds Want To Know.

The Dred Scott Activity Patch

More importantly, what kind of activities qualify as a Patch-worthy?

If Respect Copyrights is a good idea for Los Angeles in 2006, would The Respect Property Rights (AKA The Dred Scott) Activity Patch have been an equally good idea for, say, Charleston in 1857?

To earn this patch, Scouts will learn about the basics of the Dred Scott decision and pertinent property laws, how to identify escaped slaves, and the routes of the underground railroad. In addition, Scouts will also complete one other activity such as visiting a plantation to gain a sense of how slave owners, their families, and the remaining slaves could be harmed by the loss of an escaped slave or designing wanted posters for fugitive slaves.

And, if promising not to illicitly download copyrighted material is beneficial, wouldn’t it be even more wonderful to offer patches for pledges to refrain from more serious crimes? For example, Scouts could earn badges for pledging not to

• Shoplift
• Break and enter
• Commit credit card fraud
• Murder one or more people
• Embezzle
• Distribute child pornography

Of course, it might be more efficient to lump these into promises not to commit felonies, misdemeanors, or civil infractions.

Of course, it would be even more efficient to roll those into one pledge not to commit any crimes.

Of course, it would be still more efficient to realize that maybe a promise not to break the law isn’t really a reason for a special award.

While we’re rescuing show biz, how about a Healthcare Fiscal Responsibility Activity Patch focusing on the legal and moral imperative to pay doctor bills in a timely manner?

Professionally, I would also support a Treatment Compliance Activity Patch.

And a Daily Blog-Reading Patch.

If the Scouts are concerned about the financial wellbeing of specific employee groups, shouldn’t there be a Pay Teachers A Living Wage patch?

To capture and promote the current mix of social mores, the Scouts could create a combination Making-Out Proficiency Activity Patch and an Abstinence From Sexual Intercourse Until Marriage (Unless We’re Really Really Sure We’re In Love) Activity Patches.

The ultimate self-referential Boy Scout Activity Patch, which I suspect may already be awarded in secret ceremonies, would be the We’re A Private Organization Only Implying We’re A Public Institution So We Can Do Anything We Want, Even If It Doesn’t Make Sense Activity Patch.

But, the Activity Patch all the cool Scouts would want would be

The Heck Of A Guy Activity Patch

In addition to the daily study of the Heck Of A Guy blog postings and archives, Scouts would rotate through a series of Heck Of A Guy enrichment experiences, including but not limited to

• Mowing the Heck Of A Guy lawn
• Cleaning the Heck Of A Guy house
• Washing the Heck Of A Guy clothes
• Preparing the Heck Of A Guy meals
• Washing the Heck Of A Guy car
• Operating the Heck Of A Guy TV and sound system
• Purchasing gifts for DrHGuy from his wish list
• Listening attentively to and applauding DrHGuy’s teachings and following his commandments
• Wreaking a terrible vengeance upon those who spitefully use and persecute DrHGuy
• Going forth into all the world, spreading the Heck Of A Guy words, wisdom, and wit
• Routine smiting of infidels
• Gathering virtuous, voluptuous, and virginal women to provide comfort to and companionship for DrHGuy

For these meager services – and a one-time, non-refundable purchase price of $2700 plus a monthly maintenance fee (which includes unlimited dry cleaning) of $160 – Scouts would receive this nifty, aphrodisiac-impregnated, copyright applied for Activity Patch.

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1. Dare Violate a Copyright in Hong Kong? A Boy Scout May Be Watching Online, Keith Bradsher. New York Times July 18, 2006. [↩]
2. A Merit Badge That Can’t Be Duplicated /a> David Pierson, Las Angeles Times October 21, 2006. [↩]
3. See Index to Merit Badge Requirements [↩]
4. Also offered in the NCCS Rosary Patch Program are the Joyful Mysteries, Luminous Mysteries, and Glorious Mysteries Patches [↩]