Papa Christmas
[Note: Today's post is brought to you by the capital letter "C," for Catholicism. This is the second offering in the three-part sequence, "Putting All 3 C’s Back In Christmas," begun yesterday with I’ll Have A Blue (Springs) Christmas. It is also, to appropriate television's euphemism du jour for re-run, an encore presentation1 of material I originally e-mailed my cronies in December 2005.]
Pope Discovers Commercialism Plays Role In Christmas
Pontiff Also Considering Possibility That Bears Defecate In Woods
A few days ago, according to The Chicago Tribune, Pope Benedict launched a verbal assault on the contemporary celebration of Christmas, criticizing its commercialization.
The Pope’s denouncement of consumerism evokes two primary questions and numerous sub-interrogatories:
1. Why is this news?
A. Because the Pope only now discovered that the holiday season may be tainted by retail elements? Did this epiphany come about when the Vatican scholars plowing through the backlog of cabalistic and enigmatic canons of the Christian mystery worked their way through, say, the 1957 volumes of Newsweek?
B. Because the Pope said it? I do have to admit that if the Pope declared “Hey, those Chicago Bears might be for real,” that would be a headline in these parts.
C. It was an incredibly slow news day?
2. Isn’t this the same Pope with the fancy-schmancy shoes? And the sparkly hat? And those jewels? And the gilded — well, everything?
And, isn’t this the guy about whom Newsweek said, “He may never make the best-dressed lists, but Pope Benedict XVI is nothing short of a religious-fashion icon, riding in the Popemobile with red Prada loafers under his cassock and Gucci shades?”
OK, I’m willing to believe that, theoretically, one can wear fancy-schmancy shoes and still make authoritative statements about commercialism (and contraception and homosexuality and, for all I know, the Cubs), but shouldn’t the Pope have a James Carville sort of guy who whispers things in the Papal ear like “Maybe we should pick up some shoes at Payless and take the vanity tag off the Popemobile before we do the commercialism sucks thing?”
Conspiracy Uncovered
After analyzing the Pope’s proclamation, an international think tank (i.e., The Prodigal2 & I) concluded that this accusation was clearly directed at the symbol of modern Christmas, the very embodiment of gift-giving, Santa Claus.
Now, within a week of the original defamation, CNN has reported further evidence of what appears to be an full-fledged attempt by the Vatican to overthrow its North Pole rival in an attempt to consolidate its world-wide power base. According to CNN, Pope Benedict, without warning, appeared in St Peter’s Square wearing a “red velvet cap, trimmed with white fur which, together with his scarlet cape, gave him the look of Father Christmas.” (Italics mine)
CNN goes on to note that “The traditional hat, known as a camauro, was commonly worn by popes in the medieval period to keep their heads warm on cold days and it featured on many paintings at the time, but it has rarely been worn in modern times.” 3
The Heck Of A Guy team of professional artists and technicians have produced a sophisticated schematic of the Pope’s probable next move in what is already being called (by the Heck Of A Guy Situational Nomenclature Task Force, Current Affairs Subgroup) “The Santa Coup.”
The graphic at the left is the CNN photo of the Pope as he appeared in Rome. Our investigative staff has exposed a source (Discount Gift Place, headquartered in Margate Florida) through which anyone with $42 can purchase a counterfeit of the signifier of Kringle power and authority.
Discount Gift Place brazenly offers to transport this powerful metaphor not only throughout the US but also to “international destinations” – at a fee, of course. Further, they also offer secrecy, promising that “We do not sell, rent, loan, trade, or lease any personal information” and “Our web site logs are not personally identifiable. “Consequently, the world is now only $42 (plus shipping) away from the shock & awe of the figure pictured on the right.
So, will Santa mysteriously disappear without a trace except for rumored sightings at isolated Central American convents? Or, will the Claus Cartel (legions of spoiled mall rats, Macy’s, Wal-Mart, Amazon.com, Wall Street, and International Banking) sound their battle cry, “Here Comes Santa Claus, Here Comes Santa Claus?” Will hand to hand combat break out between Cardinals & Elves?
Stay tuned.
Footnotes
- The current presentation has been adapted from the original with the addition of certain information and re-editing. It has also been reformatted to fit your screen. ~back~
- Who was then stationed in Guatemala ~back~
- This rationalization for wearing such a costume in a blatant and provocative challenge to pro-Claus forces is reminiscent of the premise all too frequently used by invading nations – the exercise of claimed historical rights. ~back~
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I’ll Have A Blue (Springs) Christmas
Putting All 3 C’s Back In Christmas
I acknowledge that I am not a natural with the Christmas thing; I am, in fact, sometimes quite the Grinch.
Julie, on the other hand, took genuine delight in the holiday,1 as do a number of my friends and family. Consequently, I make a counterphobic effort this time of year to modulate my inclination to reflexively broadcast venomously sarcastic rants witty observations on seasonal customs and practices and strive instead to drink the eggnog if not the Kool-Aid of Yuletide cheer.
This exercise in self-restraint has not been uniformly successful.
My strategy this year is to exorcise my demons of derision in a sequence of three posts, one addressing each of the three primary proponents (i.e., the titular “3 C’s”) of Christmas:2
- Christianity (AKA Protestantism): Today
- Catholicism:3 30 November 2006 (Tentatively)
- Commercialism: 1 December 2006 (Even More Tentatively)
Afterwards, I’ll try to play nice.
Today, we’ll be talking about
Jesus, Gingerbread Men, Christmas Lights, and Blue Springs, Missouri
Words (nearly) fail me — thankfully, there are pictures.
But God blessing America, as Christmas-y as it is, just scratches the surface of holiday spirit.
There are, of course, Gingerbread Men in lights directing traffic to the site as well as an abundance of Santas and their entourages. But, it’s Jesus and the guys & gals of Galilee who are in the center ring.
Mr. Science and Hippie With Tiara, who have the good fortune to live within driving distance of this megawatt inspiration, inform me that locally this has been a well known spectacle and pre-Christmas destination for many years. They first took their own children to view this display4 so long ago that the only scenes in lights were those from the Nativity story.
More recently, you see, those responsible for this show, undaunted by exhausting the narrative of the birth of Baby Jesus, have added an Easter Pageant, featuring that wacky Gethsemane gang, in glowing bulbs.
My favorite tableau follows:
This is also a favorite of the folks at Ship of Fools, who last year named the Blue Springs display their 12 Days Of Kitchmas winner.
By the way, it’s worth visiting Ship of Fools site to appreciate the impact of adding, as they have, the sound of a cracking whip to the animation.
Bendystraw at Flickr has a dandy slide show of perhaps a dozen photos from the Blue Springs presentation that can be viewed at The Life Of Jesus In Christmas Lights
Footnotes
- I have a Merry Christmas anecdote or two about Julie and Christmas I’ll proffer in another post ~back~
- An additional advantage of these tactics is that today’s and tomorrow’s posts are, in part, recycled material I originally e-mailed to buddies last year ~back~
- As the Duke of Derm has sagely remarked, “Christianity may came and go, but Catholicism is here to stay” ~back~
- They did not tell me if this journey was a punishment for or perhaps a warning to the youngsters or the reactions of the little ones, and, frankly, I was afraid to ask ~back~
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Add-on Cyber-Bookmark: More On Stoppard
Sizing Up Stoppard
Slate has re-published a 1999 piece about Tom Stoppard, Sizing Up Stoppard, by A.O. Scott, who, as Slate’s introduction to the reprinting puts it,
Heck, they make that sound like a bad thing.
In any case, this is an interesting article to compare with the New York Times interview with Stoppard I recommended in DrHGuy’s Cyber-Bookmarks: 27 November 2006.
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The Elf Box Curse
The Fallibility Of Saints
As already noted in Thanksgiving Memory, Julie1 was, like Mary Poppins, only “practically perfect in every way.” (Emphasis mine, not Ms. Travers’s) After all, someone who was perfectly perfect wouldn’t stash the Thanksgiving Turkey in the oven and then turn on the self-cleaning cycle, effectively preparing the bird for cremation rather than dinner, would one?2
Only five days later, in today’s post, I reveal the other mistake Julie made during our 20 years together.
It Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time
I will stipulate that Julie’s intentions were good.
The acute problem was that toddlerhood occasioned no abatement of of Da Boyz’s already longstanding impulsiveness but did feature a gain in their mobility sufficient for them to begin mounting search and destroy missions directed at early liberation of their Christmas presents, which were alluringly displayed beneath the tree. Our efforts to impose discipline on the tykes, while sporadically successful in dealing with other behaviors, were unrequited in this case.
Serving as round the clock sentries, even abetted by the nanny, proved an unsatisfactory strategy in every way. My suggestions for an armed perimeter with razor wire, electrified fences, and land mines were rejected out of hand (for aesthetic reasons, I suppose - or maybe we weren’t zoned for it).
Desperate times call for desperate measures. Julie, despite my warnings of the dangers of negotiating with terrorists, worked out a deal with Da Boyz.
The Elf Box Treaty
Beginning a week before Christmas Day, “the elves” would deliver unto our children small gifts that would be awaiting them when they awoke. The understanding was that the elves would continue these deliveries daily until Christmas Eve, contingent on the presents wrapped under the tree remaining wrapped under the tree.
The gifts would be placed in each child’s “Elf Box,”3 which Julie had a carpenter, who was then doing some work on our home, build.
I don’t know if Julie conjured up this notion de novo or appropriated it from another source, but I’ve always assumed she invented it. I’ve never heard of an Elf Box custom and a quick Google search today reveals nothing about Elf Boxes bearing gifts.
In any case, the Elf Boxes did significantly ameliorate the immediate difficulty, and, grateful for this lull in the parent-child battles, neither Julie or I heard the ticking of the time bomb we had just manufactured.
The Blessing Transforms Into The Curse
The Elf Box concept has a tragic flaw: it lacks an expiration clause.4
When the oldest offspring was four or five, finding acceptable gifts was no more difficult than spending 15 minutes and 10 dollars at the local K-Mart, Wal-Mart, Venture, or similar store to buy kaleidoscopes, play money, yo-yo’s, marbles, picture books, etc. to satisfy the kids. Heck, a typical OfficeMax, Ace Hardware, or even a Jewel grocery would have something (pens, colored pencils, flashlights, small tools, whistles, key rings, …) that would be accounted as treasures — at least transiently — by the little ones. And, when Da Boyz were in bed by 8:30 PM, sneaking the trinkets into the Elf Boxes was a cinch.
Time, as it is wont to do, passes.
Oddly, neither the Prodigal or the Mesomorph has ever spontaneously exclaimed, “I’m too old for Elf Box presents.” At ages 10-12, in fact, their interests in the tradition intensified. Buying a week’s worth of appropriate gifts became a challenge (marbles, for example, turn out to be significantly less impressive to an 18 year old than an 8 year old) as did surreptitiously placing those gifts in the Elf Boxes, especially when it’s not unusual on weekends for me to awaken before my sons have hit the sack.
I discovered this morning that my 20 year-old had, as our family’s first admission that the Christmas season was upon us, found, cleaned, and set out his and his brother’s Elf Boxes.
And so once more I stare into the abyss.
OK, it’s not an unpleasant abyss — as abysses go. It does, in fact evoke a certain, weird joyfulness, something one doesn’t typically find in an abyss.
I do wish Julie were staring at it alongside me, though.
Footnotes
- Julie Showalter was the fiercely intelligent, sexy, and loving woman and prize-winning author, with whom I had a outrageously wonderful 20 year marriage that ended with her death in late 1999 from cancer diagnosed the week of our wedding nearly 20 years earlier. Many posts on this blog are about her, our unlikely romance, and our life together, and still others consist of her writings. Information can be found at Julie Showalter FAQ. ~back~
- I suppose the fastidious could construe Julie’s two disastrous marriages that preceded our life together as presumptive evidence of imperfection; I prefer to think of them as trials and tribulations that she was predestined to suffer in order to evidence her profound compassion by not murdering either of those spouses. Hmmm. Come to think of it, her second husband did sort of disappear once the divorce was final. Well, at least there is no proof she did away with either ex-husband. ~back~
- The objective reader will, of course, find that I am correct in holding that this is not, in any sense, a box. This is, clearly, an “Elf Shelf,” but never mind. ~back~
- Perhaps Julie had a plan for gracefully terminating the scheme. If so, she died without sharing it. ~back~
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DrHGuy’s Cyber-Bookmarks: 27 November 2006
A sporadically promulgated annotated listing of arguably worthwhile, recently published online reading, new or revised websites of potential utility or ostensible interest, and other internet-accessible experiences that, were it not for the casually collected, cavalierly collated, & capriciously collocated components comprising these posts, could easily be overlooked - which would be, in some cases, a shame
Readings
Jeeves and W. by Christopher Buckley. New Yorker. Nov 27, 2006.
Not only is this a funny, wit-satiated take on George W. Bush’s grasp of the situation in Iraq, but it turns out that Christopher Buckley does a pretty good PG Wodehouse imitation.
Playing With Ideas by Daphne Merkin. New York Times. November 26, 2006.
It may be impossible to write a boring article about an interview with Tom Stoppard. 
In any case, this longish New York Times piece, replete with lines such as “I look at him and am struck by the aura of louche glamour he carries — like a lounge lizard who reads Flaubert — daring you to cause ripples in his carefully arranged and well-defended image,” is certainly not dull.
It is, however, one of those articles that reveals the reporter’s fascination with her own peccadilloes to be a close contender with her interest in the putative subject of the interview. (My personal scorecard shows the reporter’s self-interest eking out a win on points, neither side scoring a knockdown.) I’m willing to overlook such distractions because I’m wild for Stoppard. Of course, I would be a Stoppard fan if he had written nothing other than his play devoted to the life of A.E. Housman, “The Invention Of Love;” the less Housman-infatuated reader may wish to adjust his or her expectations accordingly.
In addition, I find it comforting and perhaps even gratifying that an author who is accorded the status of genius displays reading and writing traits, as characterized in the following excerpts, that (I can convince myself) are vaguely reminiscent of my own:
All in all, it’s a decent read.
Web Sites
Reverse Dictionary
This reverse dictionary, hosted by Onelook.com, uses statistical language processing hacks to search its indices of online dictionaries, encyclopedias, and other reference sites to produce a
list of words and phrases related to the concept described by a user entering a “few words, a sentence, a question, or even just a single word” into the search box.
The Reverse Dictionary falls into the category of tools that are easier to use than to describe. A few trial runs will provide far more enlightenment than any amount of preliminary reading. My advice is to try it first and, if it seems potentially helpful, then read about using the advanced operations, such as wildcards.
I find myself using this site at least a few times a day.
The Cook’s Thesaurus
This thesaurus does not offer equivalent words but instead provides equivalent recipe ingredients, which is quite a nice trick if one, say, lives in a home with two teenage sons whose culinary daring exceeds their expertise in stocking the pantry and anticipating future grocery needs. For example, if one of those hypothetical sons is frustrated by his inability to find the boldo leavescalled for in a Guatemalan recipe he has brought home from his theoretical 18 month sojourn in that country at the local Dominick’s, it’s helpful to learn from The Cook’s Thesaurus that (1) Hispanic markets sometimes carry these dried leaves in cellophane bags and (2) ordinary bay leaves can be substituted.
Ninjawords
Ninjawords is an online dictionary with the advantage of producing its results by an AJAX-like mechanism; the pragmatic result is that the web page doesn’t refresh with each definition.
That, in turn, means that results remain inline to allow easy comparisons or to create a list of words. In fact, as the site points out, “You can compare definitions by looking up many words on the same page. Type them one by one and hit enter, or type them all at once in the search box, separated by commas.”
Caution: This ain’t the OED. The definitions sometimes are not exhaustive, no etymologies are provided, etc., but for quick lists of similar words and definitions, this site is the place to go.
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Another Post, Another Petard
From The Heck Of A Guy Lexicon
Blog (blŏg), noun
An especially efficient process for constructing petards from which to publicly hoist oneself.
Going Postal
The Principle
Some readers may recall my September 20, 2006 Quasi-Quotation Quarantine post ranting about, among other issues, the villainy of distorting quotations by omission, i.e., changing the meaning of a quote by either
1. Dropping a vital word or phrase
E.g., quoting Emerson’s line, “A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, … ,” as “Consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.”
or
2. Using only a portion of the original lines, pulling the quote out of context
E.g., quoting only the first line of Kipling’s stanza,
“OH, East is East, and West is West, and never the twain shall meet”
instead of the complete stanza,
“OH, East is East, and West is West, and never the twain shall meet,
Till Earth and Sky stand presently at God’s great Judgment Seat;
But there is neither East nor West, Border, nor Breed, nor Birth,
When two strong men stand face to face, tho’ they come from the ends of the earth!”
The Practice
This morning, while clearing some of the cyber-detritus from the Heck Of A Guy blog, I noticed this Thoreau quotation I included in my November 19, 2006 post, Non-Quotidian Quotations
“Don’t be too moral. You may cheat yourself out of much life so”
I immediately recognized that, yep, I had omitted contextually significant material. The more complete quotation and more accurate presentation of Thoreau’s thought, originally set forth in a letter written March 7, 1848, follows:
“Do not be too moral. You may cheat yourself out of much life. So aim above morality. Be not simply good; be good for something.”
Oops.
Apologia
[Note: While saying "I'm sorry" is always difficult, especially when ones goal is to appear genuinely contrite without admitting to doing anything wrong, there has been, happily, a plethora of apologies in the news lately to use as models.] 1
I am sorry if anyone was offended by my Thoreau quotation even though no harm was meant and, in any case, all the words I originally quoted were exactly those Thoreau himself had written.
Nonetheless, mistakes were made.
The material that was omitted was an honest mistake caused by my long-standing addictions to alcohol, pornography, sex, fresh fruit, the poetry of A.E. Housman, illicit drugs, Diet Coke, gumbo, novels by Michael Malone, and the music of Leonard Cohen. Consequently, I will be entering either a 132-Step Program or eleven concurrently running 12-Step Programs to battle these personal demons. I hope my example can help others in similar efforts.
By the way, as a child, I suffered the abuse, all the worse for being subtle, of being born to parents who were not rich, powerful, or famous. Further, I’m certain that, had I been raised as a Catholic, I would have been molested by the local priest.
And the sun was in my eyes.
Anyway, I’m sorry, sorry, sorry. I hope that satisfies everyone.
And now, isn’t there something you’d like to say to me?
Footnotes
- I will, of course, be presenting my formal apology on one of the talk or news feature shows. While my personal preference is Letterman, Hugh Grant’s appearance on Leno was especially successful and the Clintons certainly did themselves a world of good on Sixty Minutes so the final choice is yet to be made. Check your local listings. ~back~
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Pre-Christmas No-Buy Zone
To: Potential DrHGuy Christmas Gift Recipients
From: DrHGuy
Date: 25 November 2006
Subject: Impending Onset Of Pre-Christmas No-Buy Zone
This notice is sent as a courtesy to remind you that after midnight, 1 December 2006, purchases of items which could possibly duplicate, obviate, or otherwise lessen the value of gifts I may or may not bestow upon you or others in association with the celebration of Christmas or equivalent winter holidays, including but not limited to Chanukah, Kwanzaa, Winter Solstice, Ramadan, Diwali, and Wiccan Yule1 for your own benefit or for the benefit of another individual or group of individuals who could be on the DrHGuy Christmas gift recipient list is disallowed.
Please be aware that the window for making your preferences and disinclinations for specific gifts or categories of gifts known to me will likewise close at midnight, 1 December 2006; if you couldn’t get the word to me in the first 11 months of the year, well, you just weren’t trying.
The following categories of purchases are specifically forbidden and enforcement of these prohibitions will be especially vigorous and severe:
- Entertainment media: CDs, MP3s & other sound files, books (including hard cover, paperback, & e-books), DVDs (all formats)2
- Electronic equipment
- Writing materials
- Trinkets, doo-dads, gizmos, gimmicks, & all items typically included in the “novelty” category
- Jewelry
- Edibles3
- Potables (potent or otherwise)
- Clothing
The Exceptions List
To harmonize with the spirit of the season and to prevent the awkwardness caused by last year’s unfortunate hospitalization of my great-grandmother due to her so-called emaciation and dehydration,4 I have liberalized the list of exceptions to the no self-gifting policy.
The above restrictions notwithstanding, the following purchases are permitted:
- Any of the dark green or yellow vegetables (e.g., beet greens, collard greens, kale, mustard greens, sweet potatoes, winter squash), whether fresh or frozen
- Legumes (other than peanuts)
- Tap water
- Automobiles, motorcycles, private airplanes
- Jewelry with genuine diamonds
- Periodicals to which you already subscribe
- Eight track tapes5
- Medications (except recreational pharmaceuticals)
The Special Case Of Children & Grandchildren
Parents and grandparents are not, of course, expected to forgo purchasing gifts for their own children or grandchildren just because I may choose to buy those tykes presents myself.
Parents and grandparents may purchase for their children or grandchildren under the age of eight any two gifts from the following list:
- An orange
- A bag of hard candy permanently welded into a single lump
- Any toy retailing for under $0.46
- A bright, shiny, new quarter
- A donation of no more than $1 to a missionary fund made in the child’s name
- A ten-inch length of string
Your cooperation is, as always, appreciated and expected
Enjoy the festivities
DrHGuy
Footnotes
- Note that avoiding a specific holiday name by the use of terms such as “holiday,” “Jesus’ birthday,” “that special time of year,” “seasonal festivities,” etc does not relieve one of the obligations of the No-Buy Zone. ~back~
- Recognizing the importance of entertainment, especially during the holidays, some exceptions are permitted (see “The Exceptions List”) and humming or singing softly to oneself is always acceptable ~back~
- ”Edibles” are defined exclusively by intent (i.e., an item is, at least in theory, intended for consumption as food) – regardless of whether the item is or can possibly be eaten (e.g., Fruitcake is designated as an edible) ~back~
- Although had she hearkened to my warnings to stock up on essential provisions prior to the No-Buy cutoff date, her hospital admission and that three month coma could easily have been avoided. ~back~
- In some cases, purchases of 78 RPM and 45 RPM recordings may be permitted but require requests submitted in triplicate at least five working days prior to the intended acquisition ~back~