Heck Of A Guy

It’s Official

Mesomorph brought home the documentation that authoritatively certifies the genuine belief of the school, the local and state educational agencies, and western civilization in general that he will indeed be part of the Little School On The Prairie Graduation Class of 2007.

I refer, of course, to the Jostens graduation supplies order forms.

The Jostensopoly

It’s a seller’s (and I do mean “seller’s,” not “sellers’”) market. The contemporary contribution to the fundamentalist declaration,

No creed but Christ
No book but the Bible
No name but Christian

appears to be ”

No Official School Supplier but Jostens.¹ [bold formatting theirs]

As I understand the process, all the Little School On The Prairie seniors and the thousands of other high school seniors across this fair land receive a flashy six-color brochure, an order form, and, of course, special (and – ahem – in our case, even “very special”) offers from one and only one supplier. In the case of the Little School On The Prairie – and in the case of most of the known world, one can choose from the following list of suppliers of caps and gowns, announcements, class rings, and similar paraphernalia:

1. Jostens

Jostens is, it turns out, the official supplier of graduation necessities such as caps & gowns, (now manufactured, by the way, in Mexico, which is apparently a cheaper and less regulated site of operations than the previous plant location at the Leath Correctional Facility, a minimum security women’s prison in Laurens, S.C.,) also sells

• Yearbooks for 6,000 schools
• Class rings and other school-associated jewelry
• “Campus gear accessories,” which, the brochure informs us, “are a must-have when you’re cruising around campus”
• Various items of “campus apparel” (e.g., the always popular “Fleece Blanket with Graduation Year Date”)
• An entire category somewhat mysteriously called “Americana Gear”
• The essential “2006 Hear the Year® CD”

And the beat goes on – in lots of places. Jostens not only supplies beaucoup high schools, but batches of middle and elementary schools and their alumni; military academies (including West Point and Annapolis); the armed forces; champions of the NFL, NBA, NCAA, MLB, and NASCAR; and fire, law enforcement and EMT depts.

And, Jostens manufactures, naturally, the official Harley-Davidson rings.

They also sell – I kid you not – “9/11 rings.” This company has been around since the late 1800′s so a search of their archives could well turn up rings commemorating other monumental disasters such as the Hindenburg, the Titanic, and “Ishtar.”

The entrepreneurial prize, however must be awarded to Jostens’ line of graduation ceremony goodies for home schooled kids. Yep, not only can you can wear a cap and gown to graduate from Kitchen Table High, but you can also purchase ($7.95) a customized Mini-Tassel Key Ring described as “The six inch keepsake tassel, with year/date charm, provides a cherished souvenir.” Indeed – why bother to graduate from home school if you can’t get a cherished souvenir?

The Package

It seems like only yesterday that I was deciphering the Prodigal’s Jostenuation order packet that differed only in the year of graduation and the prices listed. Once again, I am reminded, by at least five passages in the brochure, that “most students order a package.” A “package” is a pre-selected assortment of stuff, the least expensive of which three years ago was $104.50² – and that did not include the Senior Memory Book With Brass Nameplate. The document does, however have a fine print paragraph that allows one to order a la carte (I was surprised that I didn’t have to sign a waiver of liability at that point).

The minimum order for announcements, at a buck each, is 25. The price and especially the minimum order is a bit difficult to understand since every announcement for each of the few hundred graduating seniors at Little School On The Prairie is exactly alike.

Even more difficult to understand is why one can buy as few as 25 announcements but no fewer than 50 of the name cards for $25. These name cards would seem necessary since sending generic graduation announcements (i.e., graduation gift extortion notes) without ones name in them to all those folks whose offspring sent me graduation cards ain’t gonna result in truckloads of loot. On the other hand, seniors can purchase another 50 unneeded name cards for only $1 more.

Do lots of near-graduates really order “Picture Stickers,” the “Pewter Picture Album” (who knew that many students liked pictures of pewter?), and “Photo Announcement Covers?” Mesomorph must feel deprived with all those blank checkmark boxes on his order form.

Jostyeux Noel

The timely arrival of the Jostens Graduation Catalogue does, of course, makes for easy Christmas shopping. What wholesome family wouldn’t enjoy the festivities even more if they gathered about a tree adorned with the 2007 “Snowflake Tassel Ornament,” a “stunning tassel ornament topped with a two-sided pierced metal snowflake … featur[ing] a ‘Class of 2007′ medallion in the center of the snowflake, customized with your school colors” which is -quelle surprise – a “Jostens-exclusive” ornament that one can own for $19.90? Or, perhaps the tree could be topped with the “elegant, collectible Crystal Snowflake ornament which is also a “Jostens-exclusive” and also costs $19.90? Why not get both – and the graduation teddy bear, graduation picture frames, graduation charms, … ?

And for under the tree, one could opt for the Jostens “U.S.A. 1776 T-Shirt” ($14.95) or the Jostens “Victory Vest™” with “USA Rocks” imprinted below an American flag ($29.95), but the parent who values education will, of course, want to purchase that all-important Jostens class ring. The model in the photo atop this post is the DrHGuy Special, based on the Vanguard A79 from the Dualcast collection, which, Jostens assures me, is “the latest look” and therefore my obvious choice. Note the quiet sophistication of the “DRHGUY” subtly inscribed across the top of the stone. Choosing the emblems for the sides was especially difficult. I finally settled on the linked hearts to reflects my romantic side while the fighting bass beneath the Heck Of A Guy initials connotes – hmmm, I guess it connotes the bass fishing other folks do on the lake where my mother now lives. I actually preferred the Bull Wrestling, Cosmetology, or combination Soccer-Basketball-Football symbols but they didn’t show as well. With cheesy zircons, the ring costs barely $400; substituting real diamonds pumps up the price to a respectable $1,000 and change. My ring size is available on request.

In any case, thanks to Jostens, we’ll have these moments to remember.

_____________________

1. Not to be confused with “No tickee, no washee;” “No way, no how;” “No deposit, no return;” or “No No Nanette,” but no matter [↩]
2. I am quoting prices from the Prodigal’s Jostens brochure that is three years old because our 2006-2007 Jostens brochure is apparently somewhere in the Bermuda Triangle that is the Prodigal’s room. If I find the prices have decreased in the meantime, I will enthusiastically print an apology for any inflated numbers [↩]