To: Potential DrHGuy Christmas Gift Recipients
From: DrHGuy
Date: 25 November 2006
Subject: Impending Onset Of Pre-Christmas No-Buy Zone
________________________________________
This notice is sent as a courtesy to remind you that after midnight, 1 December 2006, purchases of items which could possibly duplicate, obviate, or otherwise lessen the value of gifts I may or may not bestow upon you or others in association with the celebration of Christmas or equivalent winter holidays, including but not limited to Chanukah, Kwanzaa, Winter Solstice, Ramadan, Diwali, and Wiccan Yule1 for your own benefit or for the benefit of another individual or group of individuals who could be on the DrHGuy Christmas gift recipient list is disallowed.
Please be aware that the window for making your preferences and disinclinations for specific gifts or categories of gifts known to me will likewise close at midnight, 1 December 2006; if you couldn’t get the word to me in the first 11 months of the year, well, you just weren’t trying.
The following categories of purchases are specifically forbidden and enforcement of these prohibitions will be especially vigorous and severe:
- Entertainment media: CDs, MP3s & other sound files, books (including hard cover, paperback, & e-books), DVDs (all formats)2
- Electronic equipment
- Writing materials
- Trinkets, doo-dads, gizmos, gimmicks, & all items typically included in the “novelty” category
- Jewelry
- Edibles3
- Potables (potent or otherwise)
- Clothing
The Exceptions List
To harmonize with the spirit of the season and to prevent the awkwardness caused by last year’s unfortunate hospitalization of my great-grandmother due to her so-called emaciation and dehydration,4 I have liberalized the list of exceptions to the no self-gifting policy.
The above restrictions notwithstanding, the following purchases are permitted:
- Any of the dark green or yellow vegetables (e.g., beet greens, collard greens, kale, mustard greens, sweet potatoes, winter squash), whether fresh or frozen
- Legumes (other than peanuts)
- Tap water
- Automobiles, motorcycles, private airplanes
- Jewelry with genuine diamonds
- Periodicals to which you already subscribe
- Eight track tapes5
- Medications (except recreational pharmaceuticals)
The Special Case Of Children & Grandchildren
Parents and grandparents are not, of course, expected to forgo purchasing gifts for their own children or grandchildren just because I may choose to buy those tykes presents myself.
Parents and grandparents may purchase for their children or grandchildren under the age of eight any two gifts from the following list:
- An orange
- A bag of hard candy permanently welded into a single lump
- Any toy retailing for under $0.46
- A bright, shiny, new quarter
- A donation in the child’s name of $1 or less to a missionary fund
- A ten-inch length of string
Your cooperation is, as always, appreciated and expected
Enjoy the festivities
DrHGuy
_____________________- Note that avoiding a specific holiday name by the use of terms such as “holiday,” “Jesus’ birthday,” “that special time of year,” “seasonal festivities,” etc does not relieve one of the obligations of the No-Buy Zone. [↩]
- Recognizing the importance of entertainment, especially during the holidays, some exceptions are permitted (see “The Exceptions List”) and humming or singing softly to oneself is always acceptable [↩]
- “Edibles” are defined exclusively by intent (i.e., an item is, at least in theory, intended for consumption as food) – regardless of whether the item is or can possibly be eaten (e.g., Fruitcake is designated as an edible) [↩]
- Although had she hearkened to my warnings to stock up on essential provisions prior to the No-Buy cutoff date, her hospital admission and that three month coma could easily have been avoided. [↩]
- In some cases, purchases of 78 RPM and 45 RPM recordings may be permitted but require requests submitted in triplicate at least five working days prior to the intended acquisition [↩]
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