[Note: Today's post is brought to you by the capital letter "C," for Catholicism. This is the second offering in the three-part sequence, "Putting All 3 C’s Back In Christmas," begun yesterday with I’ll Have A Blue (Springs) Christmas. It is also, to appropriate television's euphemism du jour for re-run, an encore presentation1 of material I originally e-mailed my cronies in December 2005.]
Pope Discovers Commercialism Plays Role In Christmas
Also Considers Possibility That Bears Defecate In Woods
A few days ago, according to The Chicago Tribune, Pope Benedict launched a verbal assault on the contemporary celebration of Christmas, criticizing its commercialization.
The Pope’s denouncement of consumerism evokes two primary questions and numerous sub-interrogatories:
1. Why is this news?
A. Because the Pope only now discovered that the holiday season may be tainted by retail elements? Did this epiphany come about when the Vatican scholars plowing through the backlog of cabalistic and enigmatic canons of the Christian mystery worked their way through, say, the 1957 volumes of Newsweek?
B. Because the Pope said it? I do have to admit that if the Pope declared “Hey, those Chicago Bears might be for real,” that would be a headline in these parts.
C. It was an incredibly slow news day?
2. Isn’t this the same Pope with the fancy-schmancy shoes? And the sparkly hat? And those jewels? And the gilded — well, everything?
And, isn’t this the guy about whom Newsweek wrote,
He may never make the best-dressed lists, but Pope Benedict XVI is nothing short of a religious-fashion icon, riding in the Popemobile with red Prada loafers under his cassock and Gucci shades?
OK, I’m willing to believe that, theoretically, one can wear fancy-schmancy shoes and still make authoritative statements about commercialism (and contraception and homosexuality and, for all I know, the Cubs), but shouldn’t the Pope have a James Carville sort of guy who whispers things in the Papal ear like “Maybe we should pick up some shoes at Payless and take the vanity tag off the Popemobile before we do the commercialism sucks thing?”
Conspiracy Uncovered
After analyzing the Pope’s proclamation, an international think tank (i.e., Prodigal2 & I) concluded that this accusation was clearly directed at the symbol of modern Christmas, the very embodiment of gift-giving, Santa Claus.
Now, within a week of the original defamation, CNN has reported further evidence of what appears to be an full-fledged attempt by the Vatican to overthrow its North Pole rival in an attempt to consolidate its world-wide power base. According to CNN, Pope Benedict, without warning, appeared in St Peter’s Square wearing a “red velvet cap, trimmed with white fur which, together with his scarlet cape, gave him the look of Father Christmas.” (Italics mine)
CNN goes on to note that “The traditional hat, known as a camauro, was commonly worn by popes in the medieval period to keep their heads warm on cold days and it featured on many paintings at the time, but it has rarely been worn in modern times.” 3
The Heck Of A Guy team of professional artists and technicians have produced a sophisticated schematic of the Pope’s probable next move in what is already being called (by the Heck Of A Guy Situational Nomenclature Task Force, Current Affairs Subgroup) “The Santa Coup.”
The graphic at the left is the CNN photo of the Pope as he appeared in Rome. Our investigative staff has exposed a source4 through which anyone with $42 can purchase a counterfeit of the signifier of Kringle power and authority.
Discount Gift Place brazenly offers to transport this powerful metaphor not only throughout the US but also to “international destinations” – at a fee, of course. Further, they also offer secrecy, promising that “We do not sell, rent, loan, trade, or lease any personal information” and “Our web site logs are not personally identifiable. “Consequently, the world is now only $42 (plus shipping) away from the shock & awe of the figure pictured on the right.
So, will Santa mysteriously disappear without a trace except for rumored sightings at isolated Central American convents? Or, will the Claus Cartel (legions of spoiled mall rats, Macy’s, Wal-Mart, Amazon.com, Wall Street, and International Banking) sound their battle cry, “Here Comes Santa Claus, Here Comes Santa Claus?” Will hand to hand combat break out between Cardinals & Elves?
Stay tuned.
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- The current presentation has been adapted from the original with the addition of certain information and re-editing. It has also been reformatted to fit your screen. [↩]
- Who was then stationed in Guatemala [↩]
- This rationalization for wearing such a costume in a blatant and provocative challenge to pro-Claus forces is reminiscent of the premise all too frequently used by invading nations – the exercise of claimed historical rights. [↩]
- Discount Gift Place, headquartered in Margate Florida [↩]
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