SchadenfreudeFest
DrHGuy’s Winter Of Discontent
Having surveyed the Christmas scene, I am, frankly, disappointed in Christianity, which has, after all, had 2000 years to get its holiday protocols in shape. A batch of lights strung over the double-wide, every retailer continuously replaying the same tape loop of the same 14 carols as prescribed by the US Army Torture-R-Us Manual, a batch of brats dressed in bathrobes gazing at a Barbie stand-in for the Baby Jesus, a handful of tinsel and glitter — and that’s it?
And, while I feel unqualified to evaluate the holiday rituals of other religions and cultures, I’m pretty sure that –- well, the point is that I don’t care all that much, so how great can they be?1
DrHGuy’s Holiday Mission
Having pointed out this problem, I cannot, of course, ignore the responsibility of offering an alternative. I started too late (about 12 minutes ago) to present a polished concept, but I have a rough idea to run by you all.
The Heck Of A Guy blog is now the proud sponsor of SchadenfreudeFest,2 a holiday celebration that parallels rather than replaces the Christmas-Chanukah-Kwanzaa-Solstice-Generic Hootenannies-Unspecified Others combo that rolls around this time of year.
SchadenfreudeFest, in fact, is dependent on other holidays since its core principle is the pleasure that arises from observing and ridiculing the failings of other holidays and their adherents.
The paradoxical beauty of the SchadenfreudeFest concept is that the more egregiously horrid the traditional holidays – the more commercialized Christmas becomes, the more florid the celebration of the minor Jewish holiday of Chanukah grows to compete with the fun goyim seem to be having with Baby Jesus, the more pseudo-solemnity accorded the fabrication that is Kwanzaa, and so on – the greater the correspondent joy of SchadenfreudeFest.
While the details of the SchadenfreudeFest traditions and celebrations are at too nascent a developmental stage to be revealed,3 a musical example is instructive.
After enduring yet another rave review of one of the many performances of the Do-It-Yourself Messiah, I must acknowledge that, not being of the musical persuasion, I fail to appreciate the wonderfulness of this incredibly popular event. I am, however, inspired to offer a SchadenfreudeFest response. Which celebrant wouldn’t turn all warm and tingly inside participating in the SchadenfreudeFest Do-It-Yourself Oklahoma, a musical offering which not only irreverently parodies the Do-It-Yourself Messiah but also offers do-it-yourselfers the advantage of being written, unlike “The Messiah,” in English.4
The shrewd observer will note this instance of SchadenfreudeFestiveness has the potential of meshing with, revitalizing, and eventually co-opting the analogous current holiday traditions. We at SchadenfreudeFest Central acknowledge aspirations of becoming the Wal-Mart or perhaps the Microsoft of holidays and emulating the business strategies of those worthy models in dealing with competitors, i.e., ruthlessly dominating them but permitting their survival as a source of sustenance (e.g., staff to spirit away, ideas to appropriate, etc.) and as a defense against those annoying anti-trust actions.
SchadenfreudeFest – The All-Embracing All-Comprehensive All-Conference Holiday
Consequently, we embrace (usually with a headlock although occasionally other submission holds are used) other symbols. Send us your Santas, longing for some action with something more lively than Mrs. Claus and a tad taller than those elves (let’s not even think about that brandy-soaked night spent with Blitzen and Vixen, the lure of twins notwithstanding), your menorahs, your Kwanza corn, your Wise Men, your Ramadan fasts, your Diwali lights, your Druze stars, your Wiccan septagrams… heck, send us your Independence Day fireworks, your Valentines Day cards, your Presidents Day White Sales because SchadenfreudeFest is the ultimate ecumenical holiday.
Whenever you drive by, as I did last night, a plywood nativity scene flanked by a mechanically (and maniacally) animated Santa, an inflatable Christmas tree with twinkling lights, wire sculptures of reindeer, and strategically placed depictions of Mickey Mouse, Scooby-Doo, and the Grinch,5 all illuminated by approximately 288,724,361 colored lights, with the dulcet tones the Barking Dogs version of Jingle Bells wafting into the street, you will realize that in that dwelling resides a proud homeowner who has deeply embraced the genuinely all-encompassing sprit of SchadenfreudeFest.
Footnotes
- I admit to a begrudging admiration for the efforts of the Costanza family in creating Festivus (for the rest of us), but it somehow lacks the celebratory zest, the joyfulness, the joie de vie that I have come to expect of my major holidays. Good try, though. ~back~
- ”Schadenfreude” is from the German, meaning “pleasure taken from someone else’s misfortune;” “Fest” is from the Middle English, meaning “to fester,” “to undergo decay,” “to suppurate.” ~back~
- The to-do list for creating a new major traditional holiday turns out to be surprisingly long and complicated: negotiating movie rights, working out product placements, establishing corporate sponsorships, signing off on the tie-ins with Disney and McDonald’s, checking the spin-off video game and TV cartoon series, … . Who knew? ~back~
- Oklahoma, by the way, also serves as the official State Song of (you guessed it, didn’t you?) Oklahoma, the State Flower of which is, auspiciously enough, the mistletoe. Since the mistletoe is not a flower but a parasite that drains its host trees of nutrients, one can recognize why this organism has also been tentatively appointed the SchadenfreudeFest Official Bloodsucker. ~back~
- Unfortunately, I was a bit let down to discover that not only did the display lack the all but obligatory train running around the property’s perimeter but, despite the location of this tableau in the near suburbs of Chicago, there was no representation of the Chicago Bears and the Baby Jesus was a rather ordinary doll rather than the expected Michael Jordan action figure ~back~
