Heck Of A Guy

None Of Which Requires Attending A Baseball Game

Baseball – No More Boring Than Other Sports Played In April

A survey of recent Sports pages confirms DrHGuy’s perception that the current calendar period is almost bereft of significant sports (i.e., college basketball¹)

Hockey is apparently still being played although it always seems on the verge of slip slidin’ away. Pro basketball continues to post a schedule despite Michael Jordan’s actual retirement, calling to mind those bands surviving on the nostalgia circuit after losing their star attraction. One can hire The Crickets, sans Buddy Holly, “for your next corporate or private event,” just as one can watch an NBA games without Jordan playing, but both activities seem pointless.

One could, hypothetically, watch those guys in the Sansabelt slacks and Polo shirts whack tiny white balls around an immaculately manicured landscape that looks suspiciously like the same immaculately manicured landscape they played in the televised match the preceding week, the week before that, the week before that, … . Throw in those identical sounding whispered snippets of randomly chosen cliches and the shots of cameras panning expanses of blue sky that purportedly contain a specimen of those aforementioned white balls in flight and you’ve got yourself one – well, let’s call it “consistent” sports spectacle.

From today’s Philadelphia Inquirer report that “five members of the women’s rowing team from the University of Scranton were treated for hypothermia after their boat capsized in the frigid Susquehanna River near Falls, Pa.,” one infers that collegiate women’s rowing may be in season.

And, it’s certainly possible that somewhere in this (or another) favored land the sun is shining bright and someone is playing rugby, cricket, Australian Rules Football, soccer, doubles table tennis, racquetball, handball, water polo, fencing, synchronized swimming, logrolling, hurling, shuffleboard, or speed chess.

This is, indeed, thin gruel on which to survive until Fall.

Baseball Been Very Very Good. To Me.

DrHGuy does admit that baseball is not without its charms and amusements, among the most pleasant of which are the following:

1. Professional Baseball’s belief that their Antitrust exemption² also includes a foul weather exemption is always a hoot but the fiasco it caused this year makes it a special delight.³

What explanation, other than the fixed delusion that baseball is magically protected from the whims of the weather gods, could there be for Cleveland’s Opening Day taking place in early April? Surely, someone affiliated with Major League Baseball has watched the weather segment on the local news. It usually comes on just before or just after the sports.

DrHGuy’s understanding is that certain teams now reside in warmer climes and, unless someone is pulling DrHGuy’s lower extremity, some teams even have newfangled stadiums with domes over the playing field that would provide protection from certain weather conditions such as – oh, just as an example, snow. If baseball games must take place in early April, perhaps those matches could be played where foul weather is unlikely or where the game’s basic skills, pitching, catching, batting, spitting, scratching, and adjusting ones genitals, can be performed indoors.

Given baseball’s status as the National pastime, DrHGuy, ever the zealous patriot, is happy to offer this concept to MLB gratis although he has keenly appreciated and would greatly miss the entertainment provided by ballplayers being paid millions of dollars to cavort in the snow and the assignment of the baseball stadium in Milwaukee as home field for the Cleveland Indians, MLB having determined that administratively sanctioned meteorological and geographical fantasies constitute a preferable alternative to a rational schedule.

DrHGuy’s Public Service Alert To MLB
It is easy, of course, to criticize errors such as this Opening Day scheduling snafu. One should not, however, forget that that ridiculing such mistakes is also fun. And with that fun comes the responsibility to help.

It occurs to DrHGuy that this may not be an isolated misunderstanding on MLB’s part.

Consequently, in hopes of preventing similar problems, DrHGuy hastens to alert MLB that in some parts of North America, seasonal variations are such that uncomfortably cold weather, which may be accompanied by snow or sleet, may occur at other times as well as the first half of April. In the Chicago area, for example, heavy snows are not unusual from November through March. The folks in charge of scheduling might want to factor this information into their calculations, especially if consideration is being given to further extending the season and playing the first games, for example, in January.

Also, here’s a helpful rule of thumb: Cities further north tend to have colder temperatures and longer seasons of cold weather than cities located in the south.

This could come in handy if someone suggests planting a team in Anchorage or, perhaps, Yakutsk, Siberia, where temperatures regularly fall below -58F/-50C for prolonged periods of time.

Learning about the weather and using what we learn to guess what the weather will be like in a certain location at a certain time of the year is fun. And, there are lots of other interesting and useful weather facts like this that can be found at the library or on the internet.

2. Movies about baseball tend to be better than movies than other sports. This would be true even if Bull Durham were the only baseball movie

The Crash Davis Quote:

Well, I believe in the soul, the cock, the pussy, the small of a woman’s back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve, and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.

The Obligatory DrHGuy Bull Durham Story
As a birthday gift, Julie⁴ arranged a stay at a surprise destination.

The Sybaris⁵ [SURPRISE!] is described by its management as a hotel of “Romantic Getaway Suites.”⁶ It’s really a clean, tidy place where suburban couples can pretend to be sleazy and perverse and maybe even have sex.

As it turns out, pretending to be sleazy and perverse and having sex isn’t a bad way to spend ones birthday.⁷

One of the standard accoutrements afforded patrons of Sybaris is a TV with multiple porno offerings. In the spirit of the place, we tried to enjoy a cinematic epic featuring housewives coupling with repairmen, officemates driven into a sexual frenzy by the operations of a 45 page per minute, automatic feed, 600 dpi copy machine with collater, copulation by every possible combination and permutation of three men, five women, and one individual of indeterminate gender who were apparently locked in a cheap motel room until this arithmetic progression was completed,  and what appears to have been a therapy session gone awry unless that procedure is billable under a CPT code unknown to me. This twelve minute sequence, however, had a paradoxical, ardor-cooling effect on us which, in turn, resulted in a change in the viewing plan.

Julie took matters in her own (handcuff-free) hands, flipped channels until landing on Bull Durham, which proved to be far more stimulating and, in every way, exactly right for that night.

I love basketball, but Hoosiers just wouldn’t have worked as well.

3. Baseball’s literature seems to be inhabited by more eccentric and interesting characters than the literature of other sports. This would be true even if Sidd Finch were the only character featured in baseball-inspired literature.

To explain anything about the incredible Mr. Finch would spoil the treat in store for those unfamiliar with his exploits. The best account, which is rewarding whether one is a baseball fan or not, was written by one George Plimpton over 20 years ago. This Sports Illustrated story can be found at The Curious Case of Sidd Finch

After finishing the Sports Illustrated article, readers may find these supplemental pieces enlightening:

• The New York Times Sidd Finch Analysis
• An Archivist’s Consideration Of The Sidd Finch Saga

1. DrHGuy does admit that this season past was not a stellar one for basketball; the model for the “road” in the 2006-2007 Road to the Final Four appears to have been the  Interstate  Highway segment between Tulsa and Oklahoma City – no ups, no downs, no curves, no surprises, no thrills, and nothing to see.↩
2. See ESPN on Baseball’s Antitrust Exemption↩
3. See details of the Opening Day chaos at Snow in Cleveland drives two teams to Miller Park↩
4. Julie Showalter was my fiercely intelligent, wickedly sexy, and much beloved wife with whom I had a outrageously wonderful 20 year marriage that ended with her death in late 1999 from cancer diagnosed the week of our wedding nearly 20 years earlier. She was also a prize-winning author. Many posts on this blog are about her, our unlikely romance, and our life together, and still others consist of her writings. Information can be found at Julie Showalter FAQ.↩
5. There was only one Sybaris in those days; there are several Sybarii now↩
6. Go ahead. Make that “so what did you getaway with?” joke. Get it out of your system. Feel better now?↩
7. Yes, DrHGuy knows that he was one lucky son of a gun when it came to birthday presents from Mrs. DrHGuy.↩