Heck Of A Guy

Schools Now Believed Safe For Children, To Reopen Soon

The Saga Of The Drunken Pirate¹

Last year, school Officials from The Millersville University of Pennsylvania discovered the MySpace page of Sandy Snyder, an Education major set to graduate within a few days. Prominently featured on that web page was this photograph of her, captioned “Drunken Pirate:”

Ms. Snyder, a 27 year old, single mother of boys, ages 9 and 7, who now works as a nanny, was of legal drinking age when the photo was taken during a 2005 Halloween party.

Millersville administrators, however, saw through that ploy, designating the image “unprofessional.”

Those same administrators, apparently made aware of unprofessional conduct on Ms. Synder’s part, refused to award her an education degree and the teaching certificate that came along with it.

They did issue her a degree in English.

Ms. Snyder has counterattacked, filing a federal lawsuit asking that Millersville be required to issue her education degree and teaching certificate.² The former student also seeks $75,000 in compensatory damages from the university.

The Misadventures of a Pirate Queen

One has to admit that there is much to criticize in the “Drunken Pirate” portrait.

First, the photograph displays a glaring “red-eye,” i.e., the flash is reflected off the red retina of Ms. Synder’s left eye. Such errors can be remedied even after the picture is taken by the use of appropriate software. Such sloppy graphics work could hardly have been tolerated by those in charge of training teachers for the youth of this country.

And then, there’s that hat. Ms. Snyder’s Pirate chapeau is – well, it’s just silly.

Now, this is a Lady Pirate’s Hat:

Or this:

In fact, Ms. Snyder’s overall look falls far short of faux pirate standards, especially given her standing as a Dean’s List student. Compare her outfit with these exemplars found on the internet:

Ms. Snyder, in fact, had to go no further than the university’s mascot, the Millersville Marauder³ for inspiration:

Again, Ms. Snyder falls short. She sports nary an eyepatch, wields no cutlass, and provides no evidence of a hook or facial hair.

And that wussy Mr. Goodbar cup has to go. What kind of pirate drinks from a plastic Mr. Goodbar tumbler? Of course, a true pirate wench would be sucking down her rum straight from the bottle. But if that’s just too coarse for Ms. Snyder, she could choose from many piratically themed offerings, such as

The Mr. Goodbar cup is no small matter. One cannot imagine another basis for the school’s accusation that Snyder was promoting underage drinking through her ‘drunken pirate’ photo other than from the notion that the association of the candy bar-endorsed plastic tumbler and the professed intoxication of a woman in a silly looking pirate hat would prove an irresistible lure to underage inebriation.

One can practically hear the talk running like wildfire through the corridors of middle schools all over America:

Degrees Of Disgust

Personally, my favorite part of this story is that this whatever Ms Snyder did wrong (posting a picture of oneself in a silly hat? drinking from a Mr Goodbar cup? improper lens adjustment?) disqualified her from an education degree but is apparently acceptable for someone obtaining a degree in English.

As a holder of a degree in English, I … well, I guess I can’t decide if I’m being dissed or flattered.

I am, however, disappointed to find that Millersville University of Pennsylvania has no affiliated campus in McHenry County

Updated
Drunken Pirate Exposed As Beastie Boys Sympathizer

Footnotes

1. See Web photo haunts graduate – Lancaster Online↩
2. The lawsuit filed is available at Smoking Gun – College Sued Over “Drunken Pirate” Sanctions Go to bottom of page; suit is on pages 2-9↩
3. Apparently, the Marauder, like Ms. Snyder, proved too dangerous for Millersville. He still exists as a logo, but the primary burdens of school mascot fall upon the parrot sidekick, Skully.
   

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