Heck Of A Guy

The Heinz¹ Code

The Final Episode

DrHGuy was hot on The Sopranos for the first two seasons but lost interest thereafter, so when he missed first run of the final show because it took place over vacation and subsequently read that “nothing happened” during the finale, viewing the TiVo’d copy of the “The Sopranos – The Final Episode” was deferred until yesterday.

One can only imagine DrHGuy’s astonishment on discovering that, contrary to the reviews lamenting that the episode ended without a resolution, the true intent of Sopranos creator David Chase, indeed the ’s likely raison d’être for the program from the outset, was revealed only to be overlooked by the critics and the audience at large.

It’s The Ketchup, Stupid

In the final quarter of the show, Tony meets with his attorney in the back room of the Bada Bing. The lawyer is the bearer of bad news: subpoenas are flying, Carlos is likely to turn state’s witness, there’s an 80-90% chance of indictment, … . No doubt about it, Tony is in a heap o’ trouble. But, lunching on a cheeseburger, he’s managing to hold it together.

It’s the lawyer’s mismanagement of the ketchup bottle that drives Tony over the edge.

He grasps the bottle,² removes the lid, and, as seen in the graphic below, ominously points the open bottle across the table at Tony.

The attorney then begins to repeatedly pound op on the bottom of the bottle, pausing only to gaze at strippers in their dressing area on the in-house cameras, all the while continuing his soliloquy of Tony’s troubles.

The pounding continues as Tony’s frustration escalates.

Finally, Tony can tolerate the situation no longer. He wrestles the bottle from his lawyer’s hands and begins an even more aggressive shaking and pounding of the bottle himself.

But his efforts are to no avail and he capitulates, slamming the bottle on the table.

The Presaging At Pine Barrens

As every alert Sopranos viewer knows, ketchup has previously been featured in this HBO series. In “Pine Barrens” (Season 3: Episode 37), a routine collection goes bad – and then catastrophic, resulting in Christopher and Paulie spending a freezing night in the woods, not knowing if their intended victim is dead or alive or if, indeed, he might be stalking them. Their only sustenance during the entire ordeal is a handful of ketchup packets they find.

Message In A [Ketchup] Bottle

The central issue is the consequences that follow from the decisions one makes about how one makes his or her way through the world.

• Coercion, whether the brute force of Tony Soprano and his ilk or the codified version practiced by lawyers, governments, religious leaders, and similar groups, ultimately leads only to frustration and failure.
• Those looking for the easy way out can subsist on the leavings of others (the found ketchup packets).
• One can learn how ketchup pouring (i.e., life) works – for example, by reviewing the definitive Heck of a Guy treatise on pouring ketchup from glass bottles, Ketchup Decantation – The Definitive Report – adapt accordingly, and live happily ever after.
• Those unwilling or unable to learn are doomed to consume onion rings without ketchup.

The Alternative Ending

Imagine that
… Tony’s lawyer notes that the ketchup, being of higher than expected quality, doesn’t immediately flow from the bottle. He, a regular reader of the Heck of a Guy Blog, recalls that the post, Ketchup Decantation – The Definitive Report, was not only entertaining but enlightening. Using one of the techniques discussed, he lowers the bottle 10-45 degrees below the horizontal and taps the encircled “57″ on the neck label of the Heinz Ketchup bottle with the heel of his hand, creating sufficient agitation to liquefy a portion of the ketchup, propel it obliquely toward the bottom of the bottle, and allow air to enter the bottle, thus fulfilling the conditions necessary for flow. His condiment application accomplished, he glances up to see his client gazing at him with newfound admiration. Tony, in fact, is suffused with confidence in the barrister, who is clearly a man to be reckoned with and a professional capable of nuance and subtlety as well as force. Tony relaxes, is better able to focus, and behaves in a civil manner to others rather than flying into a rage. He wins the admiration of his colleagues, the respect of his enemies, and the love of his family. He goes on to expand his business, finally leaving private enterprise to enter public life as the junior Senator from New Jersey – and lives happily ever after.

Yes, if only he had read Ketchup Decantation  – The Definitive Report, we could well be watching the Sorpranos spinoff starring the lawyer who took over when Tony mysteriously disappeared without a trace other than some spilled ketchup the crime lab guy dismissed once he ascertained it was not blood.

Other Ketchup Decantation Posts

• Ketchup Decantation – The Definitive Report
• The Third Annual Heck Of A Guy Ketchup Bottle Pounding Condiment Distribution Post
• Ketchup Decantation Effect – The Video Exposé

1. The brand name on the label of the ketchup bottle in the final episode is carefully obscured by the angle of the viewers’ perspective on the bottle or by the holder’s hand, but the shape of the bottle and design of the label identify the brand as Heinz. Whether this tactic contains a cryptic message or is only the result of a failed placement deal is uncertain↩
2. Upon sighting the nearly extinct narrow neck glass ketchup bottle, any condiment aficionado could have predicted the impending scene. The continued existence of this bottle can other no other purpose than to test ones urban skills. Such was not always the case; the bottle design was, in fact, a key marketing tool when it was developed. See Ketchup Decantation – The Definitive Report.↩