Heck Of A Guy

Analyzing Spam

Typically, I am able to recognize the intended allure of spam emails. For example, enlarging the recipient’s bank account, porno collection, sexual conquest life list, or genitalia, which, taken together, would seem to cover 80% or more of the spam I’ve seen, is a worthy goal that would, no doubt, earn the admiration of ones friends, family, and colleagues and cause fear and jealousy among ones enemies as well as directly enhance ones own life.

The Conundrum

Lately, however, I’ve been puzzled by a group of emails that fall into the sexual conquest category but offer a counterintuitive come-on.

Unlike the emails to which I’ve grown accustomed that open by informing me of the libido-suffused nature, the boudoir skills, or even the proximity of a demure lass who wishes to engage me in all manner of sexual adventures, I’ve received at least 25 in the past month that are clearly modeled on this pithy epistle from one Ms Noel Hinkle:

She’s tired?¹

Oddly, that does not instantaneously trigger my lust or evoke from me the thought, “Got to get me some of that.”

What, one asks, is the desired response from the addressee?

• Great! She’ll be too fatigued to resist my manly charms.
• OK, that means she won’t be able to defend herself when I drag her to my cave.
• She says “tired” but she means she wants to go to bed

Is “tired” an euphemism that was culturally determined when I wasn’t looking?

Or is there a group of individuals afflicted by the poorly documented perversion of being attracted to sleepy women?

Or am I just missing the point?

Finally, if any readers are aware of a group of gorgeous, rich, and sexually voracious women who are turned on by guys who are chronically tired, please let me know. Have I got a treat for them.

Footnotes

1. And, BTW, how often does anyone start an email with a lively “Hi” with an exclamation mark - followed by “I am tired …” ?↩

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