Another Exclusive DrHGuy Wedding Fix
The Unique Wedding – Same Old Announcement Conundrum
While the desire for a unique wedding has become almost universal among prospective brides and grooms these days, those same nearly-weds appear placidly satisfied with publicly published announcements of those weddings and the engagements that precede them that are tired cookie-cutter versions of the same old templates newspapers have used for generations. These black and white photos and paragraphs can, however, be enlivened – assuming one values creativity and passion over soul-deadening adherence to the so-called facts (which I have found, in any case, to be vastly overrated). For example, …
The Raw Material
I came across the visages displayed atop this post in a well-known newspaper. If I correctly understand the arrangement, the subjects in those photos paid the periodical to have their images, along with announcements of their engagements, weddings, and the like, published where friends, family, God, and, more to the point, I could see them.
While the pictures were fascinating, the captions, were – and I must be blunt here – tragically lame, rehashing the same trite clichés about “planning a June wedding,” “the groom is a graduate of … ,” “the ceremony will be held at … ,” etc. that fill newspaper society pages every day, everywhere.
Clearly, these folks were not getting their money’s worth.
I have rectified the problem by blacking out, in an uncharacteristic display of tact, the text and identifying information that originally appeared in the paper and then providing, as replacements for those standard (i.e., dull) announcements, my own alternative compositions that, I humbly submit, are not only far more interesting but are also more in synch with the photos.
The New, Improved Announcements
From top-left, and continuing clockwise,
Society Newcomer Surprises Wife
Dzems Djordievic-Dikic commemorates his entry into the fashionable circles of the Argentinean elite with the generous donation of Carlotta Lennardotten, his former mistress, current wife, imminent ex-spouse, and a recent graduate of the Lake Titicaca School of Economics, Astrology, & Cosmetology, to the society slave auction sponsored by the Buenos Aires Association for the Preservation of Rich Political Outcasts. “Call me ‘old-fashioned,’ but I appreciate these traditional slave auctions,” Dzems remarks, “What’s the point of these modern so-called ‘charity auctions’ where you buy a slave today and tomorrow it’s as if she is free again? That makes a joke of a valid economic transaction and insults those women whose owners decide, of their own free will, to sell them.” Captain Djordievic-Dikic, a career war criminal whose name translates into English as “Pig’s Squeal Fang-gnasher,” denies bitterness about his exile from his homeland consequent to his recent convictions by the World Court on charges of drug smuggling, war profiteering, and genocide, wryly commenting, “Screw ‘em if they can’t take a joke.”
Engagement & Sentencing To Run Concurrently
Rudy Connors expresses his delight over his engagement: “I’m one lucky guy. Not only did I persuade a wonderful girl like Catherine to marry me but how many sex offenders can combine reporting to their probation officer with pillow talk?” His fiancée, Ms Catherine Jenkins, plans to leave corrections work soon to focus her efforts on their new business, The Wheaton Christian Pre-teen Genital Tattooing & Piercing Academy.
Alone No More – Pretty Soon
Alexandra Kerstin announces her engagement to Wayne (“call me Wayne”) Williams. Ms Kerstin is the winner of the Miss Illinois, Miss Socket Wrench, and Miss Upper Midwest America titles, a nominee for both the Nobel Physics and Peace Prizes, a visiting professor at MIT, and an actress who has appeared as the ampersand in Will & Grace, Sex & the City, and Law & Order, but is best known as The Perpetual Bridesmaid, holding the record for most bridal parties in which she was a participant (bridesmaid in 281 weddings, maid of honor in 133 ceremonies) while never herself being the bride. This Always A Bridesmaid phenomenon, as Ms Keratin, who is also ranked in the top ten nationally in three different martial arts, points out, certainly has nothing to do with her acceptance of the marriage proposal from her unemployed, thrice divorced fiancé whom she met last night at the Last Shot Bar, Grill, and Disco. Asked why Wayne was not present for the announcement and photo shoot, Alexandra quiets her sobs long enough to explain that Wayne, who recently succeeded in obtaining his GED on the third attempt, did leave a message on her voice mail saying that he might stop by for the occasion – unless the guys at the garage could work him in this afternoon to rotate his tires.
Groom Celebrates; Bride Choked Up
Lieutenant Anthony “Mad Dog” Haskins enjoys the festivities on the occasion of his wedding to Miss Brenda Haynes. Lt Haskins, a noted serial killer and holder of the Tri-state record for most murders committed within the borders of Indiana, Illinois, and Wisconsin during a consecutive 7-day period (excluding major holidays), admits that this was not a case of love at first sight. “In fact, when I first met Brenda, I hated her. I thought she was one of those uppity bitches, but I fell in love when I saw how she had changed when I visited her in the ICU,” referring to Ms Haskins’ hospitalization following his botched attempt to strangle her. “No,” he explains, “she hasn’t come out of the coma yet, but we decided that it would be silly to delay the marriage while we wait for her to recover.” Miss Haynes had little to say but was radiant and, according to family, “looked just like herself.”