DrHGuy Explains All
Before today’s main event, the continuation of yesterday’s Essential Wedding Rules No One Else Will Tell You, DrHGuy, in keeping with the principles of full disclosure, herewith attests to a longstanding avuncular relationship with Very Very Good Girl, who is to be wed next summer to SportsBizPro. Consequently, DrHGuy’s role in the wedding is, obviously, that of Avuncle of the Bride1.
And, in fact, DrHGuy has already begun fulfilling the traditional duties of Avuncle of the Bride, serving, for example, as official Wedding Save The Date Magnet Image Photoshopper and dispensing advice his avuncee is, it can be safely surmised, unlikely to find elsewhere. Consequently, we continue with the recitation of …
Essential Wedding Rules No One Else Will Tell You
Wedding Rule #7. The morning of the wedding is not the time for the bride or groom to reveal that unusual biological trait or physical anomaly.
If you’ve kept the need to shave your back twice daily or that extra nipple on your inner thigh a secret until now, another 24 hours shouldn’t be a problem.
Wedding Rule #8. Creativity is better applied to the Wedding Night than the Wedding Vows.
It’s wise to seek the counsel of the officiating clergy before committing oneself to wedding vows that include any of the following phrases:
- … love you until death do us part or as long as I can – whatever
- I refuse to answer on the grounds that it might …
- We might as well
- Besides, if it doesn’t work out
- … as long as you don’t keep bitching about it
- After all, two out of three ain’t bad
- I can explain
- … just a figure of speech
- Years from now, this is something we’ll all laugh about
- Hey, we’re all grownups here, right?
- … double or nothing
- … stays in Vegas
Also risky are vows in limerick format, vows marked by heavy use of the subjunctive and spiked with conditional clauses, vows that incorporate bathroom graffiti or letters to the Penthouse Forum, vows with footnotes,2 and vows that reference Monty Python, National Lampoon, or Heck of a Guy blog.
And, while inviting business associates and clients to the wedding is often acceptable, product placements during the exchange of vows or the reception dinner are probably over the top.
Wedding Rule #9. Be wary of wedding plans that require trampolines, personal injury waivers, clown makeup and costumes, unapproved uses of prescription drugs, or troops of acrobats, midgets, or acrobatic midgets.
Wedding Rule #10. Choosing ones lawyer as a groomsman is acceptable; conferring with ones lawyer prior to responding to questions which begin, “Do you take this woman …” is tacky.
Wedding Rule #11. The shrewd groom will abstain from repeatedly checking his watch during the ceremony itself – even at the risk of missing the tip-off of the Duke basketball game.3
Likewise, punching notes into ones Blackberry is best deferred until after the the recessional.
Wedding Rule #12. Grooms and groomsmen should be aware that checking out any woman other than the bride is likely to trigger a severely deleterious and especially unpleasant sequence of events.
Further, in most weddings not held in a fraternity house or tavern, checking out the bride should be accomplished with a modicum of respect. Overt leering, lascivious asides, hoots, and remarks equivalent to “Got to get me some of that” are typically better left unspoken during the ceremony itself. In the reception line, telling the bride “You look especially lovely today” is preferable to “I want to bury my face betwixt your magnificent bosoms.”
Incidentally, the reception line following the wedding of an ex-sweetheart to someone else is almost never the optimal setting for recounting shared sexual adventures or bedroom preferences, even if that information could have a positive impact on the honeymoon.
Wedding Rule #13. Yes, they make erotic wedding cakes, and yes, having one at your wedding would be hilarious, and yes, DrHGuy can even attest that some of them taste good – it’s the good taste part that’s worrisome.
Serving even the traditional Dark & Deep Vagina Cake, which is one of the least provocative erotic cakes available, requires a careful review of the guest list and, if one has any fantasies of spending Thanksgiving with the folks, signoffs from the parents of the bride and groom – when the parents are sober.
Also, be meticulous about the design. A straight couple choosing, say, the Bisexual Orgy Orange Cake With Fetish Frosting may send the wrong message to others in the wedding party.