Heck of a Guy 2007 Christmas Season Update #2:
Averting Untoward Consequences Of A Christmas Present
Or Can This
Marriage Bridegroom Be Saved?
My sugar plum envisioning – chestnut roasting – city sidewalking holiday reverie was recently interrupted by the arrival of the official SportsBizPro – Very Very Good Girl Wedding Save The Date Magnet.1
This intersection of events naturally directed my thoughts toward the topic of my longstanding avuncular relationship with Very Very Good Girl (VVGG), which, as I pointed out in Wedding Rules #7 – #13, has resulted in my current role as Avuncle of the Bride2.
It was, in fact, the recall of a specific gift I sent to Very Very Good Girl one recent Christmas that occasioned this post. I had determined to purchase a Christmas present that would afford VVGG edification and enlightenment. Having ascertained that she already owned a Bible, I chose the slightly less sacred educational volume, Dr Tatiana’s Sex Advice to All Creation by Olivia Judson.
Gratifyingly, the gift proved a tremendous success. Throughout her family’s holiday, in fact, Very Very Good Girl would frequently read aloud to her parents and sibling about one or another copulatory methodology, lending to their Christmas celebration that year a special, uniquely physiological and altogether salutary aspect for which I immodestly claim partial credit.
Now, however, that VVGG is eagerly anticipating marriage and, one assumes, commensurate carnal consummation, qualms and misgivings arise.
What if Dr Tatiana’s Sex Advice to All Creation, nicknamed by some critics, “The Illustrated All Creatures Kama Sutra,” has been her exclusive source of information about procreation?
The problem, you see, is that the book is filled with descriptions of problematic sexual behaviors, including
- A mite who copulates with all his sisters while he’s still in his mother’s womb
- A hermaphrodite slug that sometimes emasculates itself by eating its own penis
- A stick-insect whose copulation lasts for 10 weeks
- Male and female orangutans who masturbate with sex toys made from leaves and twigs
- A male scorpion who whacks his partner several times before racing off
The most disconcerting content, however, is the book’s observation that females in more than 80 species, each of whom seem to have found a place in the pages of this volume, eat their lovers before, during, or after sex.
Unless Very Very Good Girl has augmented her education about the use and functions of the human reproductive system, her wedding night could prove hugely disappointing – or terribly messy.
And those The Gift of the Magi folks thought they had a problem.
It’s Avuncle DrHGuy To The Rescue
With the reputation of Very Very Good Girl at stake (given that devouring ones first husband is not something typically advertised as a plus on Match.com, finding that next mate could be difficult) and SportsBizPro at risk for a certain, non-trivial degree of awkwardness, I could hardly stand idly by, hoping that somehow, somewhere Very Very Good Girl had picked up a workable skill set and attitude with respect to matters sexual.
But how could I empathetically communicate the problem (i.e., explain that carnal consummation and coital consumption don’t go together like, say, love and marriage and a horse and carriage) to her in an clear, appropriately dignified manner?
Deferring the conversation until we could hold a Hilton Head Heart to Heart would have been ideal but since the vacation date would be a month after the wedding, the timing was suboptimal. And a telephone call about a matter like this just didn’t feel right.
The solution became apparent when I realized I hadn’t completed a Heck of a Guy post today.
So, here’s the message:
Very Very Good Girl -
How are you? Fine I hope.
By the way, after you marry SportsBizPro and complete sexual congress with him, whatever you do, don’t bite his head off.
If it’s not clear to you why that could be a problem, give me a call.
Also, the thing about the guy reaching climax and exploding as his genitals are ripped from his body with a hideous snap to be retained by the female? Well, regardless of what you might have thought I told you about my first marriage, this kind of thing is pretty much limited to bees and hardly ever happens with humans. Sure, it might sound like fun but who do you think is going to clean up that mess? And what can you legitimately expect in the way of an encore?
Otherwise, there’s not much going on here except a bit of snow. I hope you’re doing well and that you’re still enjoying your work.
Yep, that should do it. I feel better already.
The Good News
As if in compensation for the Devouring ones mate as a point-coital snack issue, I discovered that our very own Very Very Good Girl is, as far as Google is concerned, the #1 Very Very Good Girl.3
- Very Very Good Girl, previously known as She For Whom No Man Is Good Enough, is the daughter of Duke of Derm and Princess of Peds as well as sister of Lt At 14. Unsurprisingly, she spends her days uplifting the downtrodden, caring for the unlovable, and performing similar miracles as a hospital social worker. SportsBizPro, the prospective groom, is a dedicated laborer in the field of sports accoutrements, assuring that the 7-17 year old soccer players of the Northeast United States are attired and shod in equipment that is both conducive to effective play and spiffy in appearance. He has, I am informed by usually reliable sources, parents. Moreover,these parents seem to be the kind of individuals possess all manner of stellar qualities, yet they lack proper blogonyms and are consequently only perceptible in these posts as specters with the thus far unrealized potential for transforming into well rounded caricatures in this narrative. The impending nuptials have been noted in previous posts, beginning with I Knew The Bride When She Used To Rock and Roll – Heck, I Knew The Bride When She Sang Her ABCs.
Very Very Good Girl and SportsBizPro have a dandy wedding web site with a spin-off, SportsBizPro’s Wedding Blog, which has as its sole negative the length of time between posts, the author apparently assigning a lower priority to blogging than to making a living, preparing for the wedding, having a life, and such. [↩]
- After the ceremony is completed of course, DrHGuy will also be SportsBizPro’s Avuncle In Law [↩]
- Technically, I suppose, this makes “Very Very Good Girl” “Very Very Goodest Girl” [↩]
- Google routinely shows no more than two hits from a single URL in the non-exhaustive listings [↩]
- The image search without the quotes around Very Very Good Girl displays the same two Heck of a Guy photos in the #3 and #4 slots of the top sequence. The #1 and #2 images are photos of a small child, about whom even the Scrooge-like DrHGuy could not muster a complaint. [↩]