Which Sex Toy Would Jesus Recommend?
Lord of Leisure has alerted me to a web site which promotes prayer, scripture, fundamentalist Christianity, healthful living practices, politically conservative principles, mainstream cultural values, and the Quiet Decadent Indulgence 3, a $106 vibrator,1 featuring “10 speeds of shaft rotation, 3 clitoral vibration patterns with 10 speeds each, 5 functions of vibration and escalation, glow in the dark buttons, and black satin storage bag,” along with a (heavenly) host of similar sexual accouterments.
The Quiet Decadent Indulgence 3 With Scripture Appearing On Same Page
Yea, verily, it doth appear that Lord of Leisure, by forwarding the link to The Joy of Christian Sex Toys, a NPR story2 about Book22.com,3 a self-touted “sin-free” sex toy business that “caters to the Christian community with books, toys and occasional advice,” has contributed the basis of the definitive Heck of a Guy Post-Valentine’s Day Sunday Post.
Book22.com’s Competitive Advantage: Its Retail Strategist
This excerpt from the NPR story outlines Book22.com’s origin and its unique inventory selection methodology:
She and her husband talked it over and decided that there must be a way for conservative people to add a spark to their romantic lives. She says their site steers clear of certain types of sexual activity that they believe are unholy. And they carefully consider which new products to add.
“We pray about things before we add them to our site,” she says. “We live our lives very openly in front of Jesus, so we just kind of pray for direction about which way he would have us go, and I have to be honest with you — he’s really surprised us. … Almost our whole entire ’special order’ page has come about from that.”
First of all, does anyone else feel as though using Jesus as a consultant seems a tad unfair?
Regardless, I do admit to being curious about the wording of those prayers. As a result of attending three church services a week throughout my childhood and adolescence, I’ve been subjected to prayers thanking God for rain, sunshine, all manner of food, the fellowship of saints, crops (including lawn grass), and, on one memorable occasion, “the mystery of cooking divinity” (which I later discovered, to my disappointment, was a 7th grader’s jumbled version of “the mystery of the holy trinity). I’ve listened to prayers beseeching God for the healing of every imaginable injury, disease, and marital rift, victory in a variety of athletic events (usually coded as something along the lines of “Help us to play our best to thy honor and glory”), and success in a wide spectrum of businesses but especially farming. And, I’ve endured prayers ostensibly directed to God that sounded suspiciously like admonishments to the congregation (e.g., “Help each of us to recognize that all we have is but the gift of your gracious bounty and to contribute accordingly to help make the building fund goal”).
Despite this background, I am experiencing a severe case of cognitive dissonance when I consider the most effective and respectful format for asking Jesus his opinion on which nipple rings to stock (Purple Hearts made the cut) or the propriety of carrying sexually provocative games (Jesus apparently OK’d Strip Chocolate Game and 52 Weeks of Naughty Nights.
Other elusive details are also intriguing. Is pricing (e.g., quantity discounts) part of the prayer-consultation protocol or is this strictly a matter of the quality of the item?
One can deduce certain divine judgments from the store’s stock.
Based, for example, on the availability of several genital-associated edible items, including but not limited to O’MY Flavored Lubricant, Head Candy, and (edible) Happy Penis Cream 4oz., Jesus is down with going down.
On the other hand, given that the only bondage equipment offered is the rather insubstantial Sexy Velcro Kit, which features a “Soft Fuzzy Red Blind Fold,” “Red Pleasure Feather,” “Red Fuzzy Velcro Wrist Ties with Tethers,” and “Red Fuzzy Velcro Ankle Ties with Tethers,” I’m guessing our Lord and Savior is not endorsing any Domination and Submission games that extend beyond the symbolic (well, except that wives submitting to husbands thing, of course).
A Missed Opportunity
Despite receiving divine help, Book22.com isn’t infallible. Consider this marketing faux pas.
Verses from Song of Solomon (see Footnote #3) appear on every page, but as far as I can determine through arduous research, each page displays the same verse(s). I suggest the purveyors are missing a marketing opportunity by not associating certain products with specific passages of scripture.
The Scented Massage Oil could be paired with “For fragrance are thy perfumes good. Perfume emptied out — thy name, Therefore have virgins loved thee!” (Song of Solomon 1:3 - Young’s Literal Translation). And, is there a lusty Christian who hasn’t been laid recently who wouldn’t be willing to purchase and try out the Coochy Shave Creme ($11.99 for 8 oz), purported to be “perfect for intimate shaving,” if its advertising slogan were an admiration of a body likened to “… a smooth plate of ivory covered with sapphires” (Song of Solomon 5:14 - Bible in Basic English)?
The Cost of Salvation
There is, I was taught, a price to being Christian. With the discovery of Book22.com, calculating that cost in dollars and cents is now possible.
Using the afore discussed Quiet Decadent Indulgence 3 as an example, I searched for secular web sites offering the identical item and compared prices.
As noted in the introduction, Book22.com offers this electromechanical marvel for $106 (shipping and batteries not included). A routine search turned up several web sites selling the vibrator. The site thus found with the lowest price for this merchandise was Excaliber Sex Toys which offered the Decadent Indulgence 3 for $51.92 (shipping and batteries not included).
In this case, the Christianity Markup computes to just over 100%.
That’s not to say the price necessarily makes this a bad deal. If the Christian version of the Decadent Indulgence 3 comes with, say, a Get Out Of Hell Free card,4 then a 100% markup is a bargain. I’m just not clear on all the details.
Footnotes
- Requires four AA batteries, not included ~back~
- Link to original audio program available on site ~back~
- For the benefit of my Oklahoma Christian College classmates who overslept and missed the pertinent lecture in our Old Testament Survey course (BLE 102; Dr. Hugo McCord), “Book 22″ references The Song of Solomon, the 22nd book of the Bible, which consists of love poems. In Chapter 5 of that book, for example, the woman’s beloved is described knocking on the door. Then, in the words of the Etz Hayim, a translation prepared by conservative Jewish scholars and used in Slate’s Blogging The Bible project, he “thrust his hand into the opening, and my inmost being yearned for him. I arose to open to my beloved, and my hands dripped with myrrh, my fingers with liquid myrrh, upon the handles of the bolt.” Not bad, eh? ~back~
- See Urban Skills: Salvation From Sins ~back~
Do they have anything to enhance the oral tradition?
Perhaps with the gentle reminder –
“It is better to give than to receive.”
Comment by Mrs. L — February 19, 2008 @ 11:45 am