The So-called Improvement
Much has been made of the new, simplified American Heart Association CPR protocols. The Associated Press story 1 outlines the shift in policy:
The American Heart Association released new guidelines for a first aid technique it calls ‘hands-only CPR.’ Rather than the multiple steps involved in traditional CPR, which includes mouth-to-mouth breathing, the ‘hands only’ CPR method distills CPR down to just two steps. First, call 911 or send someone to call 911. Second, begin providing high-quality chest compressions by pushing hard and fast in the center of the chest with minimal interruptions.
The newspaper story goes on to note that the changes were predicated on
three studies last year [that] showed hands-only was as good as traditional CPR” and “anonymous surveys [that] show that people are reluctant to do mouth-to-mouth.
The idea is that some folks who would hesitate to lock lips with someone who could benefit from CPR will be willing to perform that potentially life-saving procedure if the chest compression component alone were sufficient.
Well, OK. I’m not one to begrudge saving a life or two.
But, did anyone weigh that potential benefit (putting aside for the moment the very real possibility that the demise of certain loathsome sorts could be a net gain for humanity) against the loss of what has become a reliable plot device in sitcoms and topic for stand up comedians?
The Golden Era Of Funny Intrapsychic Conflict
How many times have you enjoyed a scene like this one described in this review of Second City, the improvisational comedy ensemble:2
At another point the troupe picked a female victim from the crowd for participation. She was then put into the enviable position of “Annie” the CPR doll. Predictably she became the victim of attempted mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. “Digger,” the eager character performing the mouth-to-mouth gave it a gallant effort, but didn’t get far with her.
Merriment and mirth obviously ensued.
Of course, a consummate enactment of this situation was embedded in the “Pool Guy” episode of Seinfeld:3
[After a series of contretemps between Jerry and Ramon, "The Pool Guy," Jerry pulls Ramon into the pool.] Camera fade to Ramon, lying unconscious on the tile pool deck. Newman and Jerry are kneeling over him.
JERRY: I think he’s gonna need, mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
NEWMAN: Mouth-to-mouth?
JERRY: Yeah.
NEWMAN: Huh.
JERRY: Well? Go ahead.
NEWMAN: You go.
JERRY: You knocked him out.
NEWMAN: Yeah, but you pulled him in.
JERRY: Come on Newman. Do it.
NEWMAN: Nah.
JERRY: He might die.
NEWMAN: Yeah. Maybe.
If the forced choice between an individual’s morality on one hand and his animosity toward the victim, personal fears of contamination, and homosexual panic on the other isn’t the epitome of funny, well, I don’t know what is.
Do we really want to be resuscitated to return to a life without this kind of joyfulness?
And The Other Guys
If nothing else, doesn’t the AHA come off as a bit uppity, taking this action unilaterally? Shouldn’t there have been meetings, consultations with interested parties, a congressional hearing or two, … ? Did they even both to check with the people who earn their living manufacturing CPR mannequins? What happened to the ideas that “all stakeholders should be heard from” and “we’re all in this together?”
Oh, it’s not so bad for those of us over 30. We’ve had a lifetime of CPR trainings, instructions on laminated cards, and performances on stage and screen to imbue us with sufficient residual guilt, conflicting drives, and self-mortification for many more years of breaking into uproarious laughter whenever we see the terrified grimace on the face of a character who encounters the dilemma of performing a life-saving act vs being teased by his buddies for seizing the opportunity to place his lips against the lips of another man.
But, how does one explain that to the grandkids? What will today’s tykes, growing up without the mouth-to-mouth imperative make of the reruns of the “Pool Guy” episode of Seinfeld?
After all, it’s all about the kids.
Footnotes
- OK to skip mouth-to-mouth and do ‘hands-only’ CPR by Stephanie Nano, Portsmouth Herald News, April 03, 2008↩
- Second City: car alarm quality comedy by David Cole, The Easterner. 2/20/01↩
- Seinfeld. Season 7; Episode 8. First aired on November 16, 1995.↩
