It's Like, You Know, Hallelujah, Totally

Diane Vickers

Diane Vickers Makes Hallelujah “Totally Her Own”

Perusing, as I do immediately upon arising every morning, the Marie Claire Celebrity News, I recently found this item:1

The X Factor finalists have reportedly been left fuming, after discovering that the winner’s  first single will be a song sang by Diana Vicker’s [sic] during the audition process.

Each of the finalists will record Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah, a song that Diana sang during boot camp. Although other contestants also sang the track, it was 17-year-old Vickers who was praised for ‘(making) it totally her own’ by Louis Walsh. [emphasis mine]

Well, thank goodness somebody finally nailed “Hallelujah.” It was becoming a huge embarrassment as, year after year, Leonard Cohen, K.D. Lang, Jeff Buckley, Allison Crowe, and those other losers botched the job.

While musicologists have yet to weigh in with an analysis of this performance, the new gold standard for “Hallelujah,”  I am convinced that when they do, they will recognize that the key to both its  sublime profundity  and its profound sublimity is the exquisite use of the hands, in emulation of traditional Polynesian dance, to tell the story – that story being the deceptively complex, multi-layered anthem of this age,  “Whatever.”

An Explication Of The Fundamental Problem, Requiring A Shift From The Ironic Voice To Straightforward, Albeit Exaggerated For Comic Effect, Declaration

Ms Vickers’ version of “Hallelujah” is not a contestant for worst performance of that song, a contention easily validated by simply comparing her rendition to a random selection of covers by professionals and amateurs on YouTube.  I have, in fact, listened to more than 1/3 of her YouTube video without breaking into tears, suffering a gran mal seizure, or developing a chronic facial tic.

The problem is, in part, the inexplicable, if not bizarre, belief allegedly held by her X Factor competitors that her performance is so outstanding that demanding they all perform “Hallelujah” as their final song puts them at an insurmountable disadvantage.

As for the notion that Ms Vickers makes this song her own, …2 Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha

Oh my. Watch the video while I compose myself.

The Conclusion, Wherein Irony Is Again Ascendant

I’m now looking forward to  “Hallelujah” being the concert opener for the Spice Girls reunion tour. If only Spike Jones were still alive to do a funny, sound-effects filled version. Maybe Weird Al Yankovic has a parody in the works.  Oh, I know – how about using it in a Battle of the Boy Bands competition? Somewhere in the pipeline there must be Celine Dion, Billy Ray Cyrus,  and Mariah Carey versions. Is there a bubble gum “Hallelujah” yet? Maybe something in a nice reggae rhythm? Has anyone sung it in Klingon?

Our Christmas message to X Factor is a plea for peace on Earth …

Put the microphone down, step away
from the song slowly, and no one has to get hurt

Credit Due Department
The photo atop this post is from the same Marie Claire Celebrity News article.

  1. I managed to white knuckle it, heroically restraining myself from posting on this travesty for a couple of days. But finally I realized that, as Edmund Burke sagely observed, “All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.” Or, to quote a similar maxim of societal responsibility expounded by a more contemporary philosopher, Toby Keith,

    And justice is the one thing
    You should always find
    You gotta saddle up your boys
    You gotta draw a hard line
    When the gun smoke settles
    We’ll sing a victory tune
    And we’ll all meet back
    At the local saloon

    We’ll raise up our glasses
    Against evil forces
    Singing, “Whiskey for my men, beer for my horses!”

    Eddie and Toby do have a way with words. []

  2. I have found that some publications have actually suggested indirectly the possibility that perhaps the conjoint exaltation by The X Factor of Ms Vickers and “Hallelujah” has something to do with promoting a single of that song by that singer for the especially lucrative Christmas season. One could, for example, read that meaning into this headline, “Leonard Cohen’s ‘Hallelujah’ Destined For Christmas Number One.” The article helpfully elaborates,

    The track, already performed on the show by contestant Diana Vickers, would be released in time to compete for the coveted Christmas number one spot. … In recent years, the winner of The X Factor has been all but guaranteed the Christmas number one position as a result of the shows huge popularity.

    []

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