Microsoft Packaging Proves Invulnerable; Buyers Losing Battle
Microsoft Switches To Stealth Packaging
Having installed, since the days when the Word-Excel-PowerPoint et al combo was distributed on floppy discs, Microsoft Office in all manner of computers, some manufactured by companies no longer in existence, I anticipated no problems setting up the 2007 version of the program on my relatively new machine.
That reasoning was sound but proved catastrophically incomplete because I did not take into account the logistics required to mount an coordinated attack on the package that contained the software CD.
“How difficult could opening a software package be?” one might ask.
Here’s a hint – the photos of the software box below this point are adapted from a popular tutorial, How to open Microsoft Office 2007 Product Box or Microsoft Vista Product Box1 by the UCSF School of Pharmacy (University of California).
Yes, indeed, the software container, rumored to have been developed from the same technology responsible for the shield system of Star Trek’s USS Enterprise, is so difficult to crack that online tutorials have been made available.
Star Trek shields become luminescent when struck with weapons, consistent with absorption, conduction, & subsequent retransmission mechanism. Stardeststroyer.net
And, it’s not only the UCSF School of Pharmacy and some Bill Gates-loathing geeks who have created instruction sets for this task.
On the Microsoft web site itself, one finds this handy illustrated guide called Opening the Windows Vista box.
The Fortifications
The box,2 shown from various aspects in the above graphic, looks innocuous enough and, indeed, its introduction (more about this later) was initially promoted by Microsoft and greeted by design-oriented folks as something akin to hot stuff and innovative.
And the design is innovative when compared to the the commonplace consumer goods encasements, the plastic bubbles of death described in Opening Impenetrable Clamshells, which depend on brute strength and the capacity to deploy into polymer shrapnel.
A reference in that earlier post, itself an excerpt from Consumer Reports Oyster Awards (a report that I still heartily recommend as both enlightening and perversely entertaining) describing the attempted opening of an award-winning example of this genre nicely limns the workings of this now standard design:
The Hard Plastic Clamshell
This didn’t take the longest (9 min, 22 sec to open the Uniden Digital Cordless Phone Set–14 pieces with rivets between each), but it won because of all the sharp edges produced opening the package. The hapless victim couldn’t open the package with scissors, so he tried a box cutter, which was risky. He couldn’t pry the rivets open with a screwdriver, but used a razor blade to bypass and cut around them. He also sliced the instruction manual and nearly cut the battery wires.
On the other hand, the case-hardened material used in the Vista/Office 2007 packaging is only a secondary, necessary but not sufficient element in its mission of protecting the purchased goods from the purchaser. Still, I suppose it’s worth mentioning warning future purchasers of the software that notions of ripping this sucker apart using tools affording less mechanical advantage than, say, a medium size bolt-cutter or a carefully placed explosive charge, will be unrequited. According to my postal scales, the plastic box, without the software CD, weighs in at hefty half-pound plus.
Misdirection, Booby Traps, and Red Herrings
One gains insight into the defensive strategies utilized in the Vista/Office 2007 packaging upon noting that, although Microsoft provides an online manual for opening the container, the box itself either completely lacks instructions (as it did in my case) or, in a display of cunning that can only be motivated by the drive to insult as well as injure the end user, camouflages those directions (as was done in the case of the edition used in the tutorial).
Quoting from the tutorial writer,
I didn’t even notice these instructions until after I had removed the label perhaps because it matches the yellow-orange background too closely and because the images are too tiny to be very noticeable. These instructions are incomplete — they fail to mention the seal on top that must be sliced.
Without directions, I scanned the box itself for clues and found them.
Unfortunately, I had fallen for the old fake clue trick.
From my presbyopic perspective, the mechanisms circled above, especially since they are directly opposed to each other on the front and back of the box, appeared to be tabs to be pinched together or pulled apart to gain entry. (The tabs are actually the same size; one appears larger because the photos are of different scales.)
The engineers at Microsoft must have shared many a merry chortle while sipping their espresso, thinking of the consumers who foolishly thought the $197 price of Office Professional 2007 included entrée to the software residing within those nifty boxes.
Those are not tabs. I’m still not certain what they actually are – other than diversions.
Then I spotted the asymmetry.
Well, these things (see circled area above) obviously weren’t tabs since they had no corresponding mates of the opposite side. Just as obviously, I could see now, they were hinges that allowed the top (the portion with the artwork) to flip open like a book.
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Those Redmond rascals got me again.
OK, some of you, the same folks who shout warnings at the actors in horror movies (“Turn around, the monster is right behind you.” “Don’t go into the shed alone, you idiot.”), are impelling me to “Pull the damn red ribbon.”
Tug as one might on this red plastic strip, however, nothing happens – unless one first implements the secret steps.
Think of this as learning the special, undocumented (until you know where to look) moves in Mario Brothers that earn extra coins or open short cuts to higher levels – only less fun.
Enough of trying to win with skills and trial and error. Thank goodness, we have cheats such as this …
Guide To The Secret Box-Opening Steps
Secret Step #1: Cut through or remove seals
Slice through the official-looking Microsoft seal next to the tab.
Secret Step 1.5: Some boxes have other seals as well that must also be removed.
Secret Step #2: Now, pull the tab such that the central portion of the box rotates down and away from the spine and covers of the box3
Now, don’t I feel foolish – for buying this thing.
The Loose Ends Wrap-up
1. There are several comments on the net from folks who thanked the tutorial writers, but went on to explain that even though they now understood how the process worked, they lacked the dexterity to actually follow the steps (usually the block was an inability to slice the Microsoft seal) to open the boxes. Some tutorials acknowledge this and advise seeking help from friends or family if the customer is unable to effect these steps.
2. This problem seems to have been a surprise to the designers. This is the October 2006 announcement of the new packaging concept on the official Microsoft Windows Vista Blog:
Designed to be user-friendly, the new packaging is a small, hard, plastic container that’s designed to protect the software inside for life-long use. It provides a convenient and attractive place for you to permanently store both discs and documentation.
The new design will provide the strength, dimensional stability and impact resistance required when packaging software today. Our plan is to extend this packaging style to other Microsoft products after the launch of Windows Vista and 2007 Office system.
Well, they got the “strength, dimensional stability and impact resistance” parts right. That “user-friendly” thing – not so much.
I am unaware if “extending the packaging style to other Microsoft products” is still part of the Microsoft master plan.
3. Did anyone ask everyday users if we wanted “a small, hard, plastic container that’s designed to protect the software inside for life-long use” or if we thought this would be “a convenient and attractive place for [us] to permanently store both discs and documentation?”
4. Did anyone ask Al Gore – or any third-grader - if the environmental resources needed to produce thousands of half-pound plastic cases to house 1 CD (the cheapskate version) or 2 CDs (the deluxe edition) “for life-long use” is an ecologically advantageous exchange?
5. This packaging was introduced in October 2006; I purchased software in that packaging a week ago. Assuming I didn’t get the last of these boxes made, they are still in use in the face of batches of complaints and posts on the net about the difficulty in opening the boxes and the necessity of tutorials to help customers manage the problem. Why (again, assuming they are) is Microsoft still manufacturing or paying someone else to manufacture these implements of mass frustration? Why hasn’t Microsoft at least printed impossible to miss instructions on the boxes?
It’s another Microsoft Mystery.
_____________________- As the title indicates, the same packaging is used to distribute copies of Windows Vista and Microsoft Office 2007. [↩]
- The version of Office 2007 shown here is its ultra plus “Office Professional” incarnation. The rendition I installed is the cheap edition. Unfortunately, the construction, although not the art work of course, of this container is one of the few components that is identical in both versions. [↩]
- One cannot help but wonder if the tutorial creator’s choice of finger to effect this move is significant. [↩]
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