The Background
The fifth and final selection from the Leonard Cohen 75th Birthday Registry1 is the crème de la crème of this catalog’s listings – the birthday present suitable to be given by the Leonard Cohen fan with the vision, generosity, and courage to risk the light not getting in by rendering the perfect offering, the grand gesture, the epitome of elegant extravagance – the ultimate urban centers of Manhattan and Berlin.
Cohen has, of course, often announced to his listeners his interest in these paired foci of political and economic power identified in the opening verse of “First We Take Manhattan:”
They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom
For trying to change the system from within
I’m coming now, I’m coming to reward them
First we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin
[emphasis mine]
The enthusiasm of the response that final phrase evokes in fans is obvious in this video of the 2008 performance of the song in Berlin as the audience joins in a crescendo of ecstasy.
Leonard Cohen – (Berlin, Oct 4, 2008)
The video automatically begins at start of pertinent passage and, for the purposes of this post, may be stopped manually after the completion of the phrase, “We take Berlin.”
And, Leonard Cohen has indeed taken both cities musically many, many times. How better to celebrate his 75th birthday than transforming the metaphorical into the material?
Cost: The Military Approach
The militaristic tone of the song, “First We Take Manhattan,” suggests the notion of winning these areas through use of armed force. And, indeed, calculations demonstrate that hiring sufficient numbers of mercenaries and supplying them with high quality automatic weapons, mobile artillery, air support, and sub-nuclear ordinance can be not only a convenient and time-saving means of cutting through bureaucratic red tape but also a surprisingly affordable, far less expensive alternative to other options for assuming control of these areas, at least in the short run.
The expense of maintaining an ongoing occupational force and border defense, however, quickly escalates the total cost to unacceptable levels. In any case, the incidental loss of lives, possible bad press, and international condemnation consequent to a hostile takeover as well as the inevitable ongoing guerrilla warfare, political resistance, and counterattacks on the frontier by neighboring nations could somewhat lessen the perceived value of these territories as a birthday present.
Cost Of Outright Purchase
A straightforward purchase, while harder on the pocketbook, is clearly preferable for gift-giving purposes.
Manhattan
According to Radical Cartography, the total assessed value for land in Manhattan was $169 billion in 2004. Keep in mind that tax assessments do not measure market value and do not include the value of improvements, such as office buildings, homes, and infrastructure. On the other hand, the worldwide economic crisis has significantly lowered the price of both residential and business properties.
Berlin
Tax assessments for Berlin are inaccessible. Statistiche Amter does identify the gross domestic product of Berlin as 84.76 eur bn (123.70 billion dollars, US) in 2007.2
Purchasing Considerations
From the rough numbers available, one can quickly deduce that the final costs for Manhattan and Berlin will be at least several hundred billion dollars.
The Leonard Cohen 75th Birthday Registry recognizes that this is a significant purchase and is an option for only a limited clientèle.
Consequently, Registry administration, while eschewing the false economy of following the song line literally and first purchasing Manhattan and, presumably at some later date, then taking Berlin and irrevocably rejecting the idea of turning this into a gag gift by buying cheaper namesake municipalities (e.g., Manhattan, Kansas and Berlin, Wisconsin), feels that, its longstanding policy of one gift – one gift-giver notwithstanding, the pooling of funds by any two Cohen fans to effect this purchase would not – in this single instance – be an intolerable breach of etiquette.
Given that negotiations with every property owner and governmental entity in both cities must be completed within the seven days remaining before Mr Cohen’s birthday, one should, if possible, begin the process immediately. In addition, potential buyers are reminded that the free gift wrapping offer requires that the color and style of gift paper and ribbon must be selected and ordered at least 72 hours in advance of the presentation of any gift larger than a fleet of 20 limousines or any gift which includes live humans or other mammals of equivalent size; should this deadline not be met, overtime charges may apply.
_____________________- To aid fans in selecting gifts to celebrate Leonard Cohen’s 75th birthday September 21, 2009, Heck Of A Guy has opened the Leonard Cohen Birthday Gift Service and Registry, offering advice and assistance in choosing that just right birthday present, whatever ones budget or Cohenist preferences (e.g., early Cohen, post-1979 Cohen, “everything except Death Of A Ladies’ Man,” etc.). For the complete story, see The Leonard Cohen 75th Birthday Gift Registry [↩]
- The Registry is grateful to bridger15 for her research in finding this helpful economic indicator. [↩]
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