Leonard Cohen1 invited me to the soundcheck and backstage buffet before the October 29, 2009 Chicago Rosemont Theatre concert and to the Green Room get-together afterward.
Let me tell you about it.2
Now, this is not another article that claims to be an interview with Leonard Cohen but is actually a self-aggrandizing report of the soi-disant interviewer on the experience of being wonderfully treated by the reporter’s new best friend, Leonard “I call him Lenny” Cohen.
Indeed, the careful reader will quickly discern that this post is completely interview-free.
After all, there are already books, videos, hundreds of articles, and, I am told, entire web sites dedicated to Leonard Cohen. Why waste time and risk diffusing the viewer’s attention by scribbling one more set of questions asked and the tenuously associated permutation of anecdotes, philosophical points, and autobiographical data Cohen might choose to provide as his alleged responses to those queries?
Besides, by eliminating the nonessential Leonard Cohen material, we can concentrate directly on the gloriously narcissistic portion of the program.
I intend to publish a handful of posts based on this experience. Today’s entry focuses on meeting Leonard Cohen.
The Gray-haired, Gravel-voiced Grandee Of Graciousness
I confess to being unaware of the most elemental musicological knowledge, I am ignorant of the basics of songwriting, and I haven’t a clue about iconicity. I do, however, know graciousness when I’m overwhelmed by it.
And, Leonard Cohen may be the most aggressively gracious person on the planet.
After the soundcheck, we are led through the warren of hallways and rooms backstage to meet the man himself.
The Leonard Cohen – DrHGuy Back Story
For those who don’t routinely follow Heck Of A Guy, I should point out that I am about to meet a performer whom I sincerely admire but one whom I have also, on occasion – well, used as a means to a cheap laugh.
In 10 Unbelievable Secrets About Leonard Cohen, for example, I may have implied that
The inspiration for the Leonard Cohen song, “Suzanne,” was actually Dolly Parton. Her service as Cohen’s muse was kept secret because of her personal respect for and professional dependence on her partner at that time, Porter Wagoner. Also, the line from “Suzanne” that reads “And she feeds you tea and oranges” was originally “And her breasts are big as melons.”
And, I did publish several posts featuring exchanges between Anjani, Leonard Cohen’s romantic partner, and me suggesting she join me in a proposed three-way or four-way (this, and the selection of the other female participants, were issues being negotiated) rather than stay with him.3
According to Leonard Cohen Finds Love – Quiescently Frozen On A Stick, a post I wrote, the original words to “Everybody Knows” were Popsicle-inspired and went something like this:
Everybody licks raspberry ‘sicles
Everybody licks lime and pistachio
Everybody licks blueberry and chocolate
Even with a mustachio.
Everybody knows you’ve been discreet
But there were so many flavors you just had to eat
You must come quick,
I’ll give you one more lick.
Everybody licks, everybody licks
When it drips it sticks
So everybody licks
Everybody licks, everybody licks
To get their kicks
With impeccable timing, I proposed an International Showdown – Title Match For Goofiest Leonard Cohen Music Video in an early morning post the same day the title of a later entry read Report Of Leonard Cohen Collapsing On Stage In Valencia.
It goes on. While others applauded Cohen’s entry into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, I chose to focus on the difficulty he and the other candidates had finding the route to the stage for the induction ceremony.4 I’ve offered to fix his problematic lyrics, improve his poorly staged concerts, and salvage his incompetently managed merchandising, the solution to which included the creation of The Leonard Cohen Bobble Head.
I once accused him … well, you get the idea – and those charges were dropped once the authorities in Alabama understood it was a joke.
In any case, some folks don’t take well to such joshing.
I Meet Leonard Cohen – And He Meets Me
Yet, when I am introduced to Leonard Cohen, he – and there is no other word that fits – beams,5 appears genuinely excited, as though there is nothing else he would rather be doing than meeting me, and reaches out to shake my hand.
I suavely respond with my carefully rehearsed lines, a judiciously chosen, endearing admixture of incomprehensible babbling and repetitions of nonsensical exclamations, all generously sprinkled with stuttering. I am fairly certain, for example, I effusively, insanely complimented the scarf he wore during soundcheck. Twice.
With no small effort, I finally convey the notions that (1) I am outrageously impressed by his poetry and music and (2) I am grateful for the opportunity to meet him.
Leonard Cohen then gazes intently into my eyes and gently, tenderly tells me – in a manner not unlike that one might use to communicate with a likable but not particularly bright four year old –
No, I wanted to meet you. You’ve given me so much laughter in the past two years.
It is possible he said something else after that. Things got a little fuzzy for a while.
In fact, the next thing I recall is Leonard (note we’re on a first name basis now) urging me to have something to eat from the crew’s buffet. This is accomplished by him taking my arm to lead me through the line of covered dishes, opening each of the 6-8 main offerings, describing the contents, and adding his recommendations.
Should I ever awaken in a post-apocalyptic desert with starving mobs battling over any edible morsel, my plan is to track down Leonard Cohen. If there is food to be had, he will, I am certain, find it and insist that his guest, even if the status of guest is self-appointed, dine from the bounty.
- How To Win Friends And Impress Strangers With A Little Help From Lorca & Leonard Cohen
- Meeting Leonard Cohen And Falling In Love With Sharon Robinson
- Yes, that Leonard Cohen – the poet, singer, songwriter, icon guy. [↩]
- At least two people involved in this story, one who was invaluable in making the arrangements and one who was my companion for the concert and the events before and after the show, have, incredibly enough, opted out of my blogorama account of the experience and will not appear in this or future posts dealing with these topics. [↩]
- See Anjani And DrHGuy [↩]
- See Inductees Enter Wrong Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Hall [↩]
- I once knew a woman who could, with a glance, make any man feel as though he was the only person in the universe of significance to her. My assumption is that she and Leonard Cohen never met. If they did, they would be perpetually locked in each others traction beams. [↩]