And We’re Still Making Love In My Secret Life

At 7:00 on the morning of December 3, 1999,
in the bed we shared, Julie Showalter,
my beloved, fiercely smart, wickedly sexy wife,
died from cancer diagnosed the week
of our wedding nearly 20 years earlier.

I miss her every day.

In My Secret Life

In the past, I have never planned in advance which poems or songs to place in these memorials to Julie. From the time I heard “In My Secret Life” at the Leonard Cohen Beacon Theatre Concert 10 months ago, however, its words have been on my mind:

And I miss you so much.
There’s no one in sight.
And we’re still making love
In My Secret Life

And, I still have a visceral memory of the shudder I felt when Sharon Robinson echoes the “cry” after Cohen sings “Makes you want to cry.”

So, the choice of content for this commemoration of Julie’s life was obvious.

It was, however, by no means easy and certainly not painless.

Leonard Cohen – In My Secret Life (Beacon Concert, NYC 2/19/2009)

Video from albertnoonan

In My Secret Life
by Leonard Cohen and Sharon Robinson

I saw you this morning.
You were moving so fast.
Can’t seem to loosen my grip
On the past.
And I miss you so much.
There’s no one in sight.
And we’re still making love
In My Secret Life.

I smile when I’m angry.
I cheat and I lie.
I do what I have to do
To get by.
But I know what is wrong,
And I know what is right.
And I’d die for the truth
In My Secret Life.

Hold on, hold on, my brother.
My sister, hold on tight.
I finally got my orders.
I’ll be marching through the morning,
Marching through the night,
Moving cross the borders
Of My Secret Life.

Looked through the paper.
Makes you want to cry.
Nobody cares if the people
Live or die.
And the dealer wants you thinking
That it’s either black or white.
Thank G-d it’s not that simple
In My Secret Life.

I bite my lip.
I buy what I’m told:
From the latest hit,
To the wisdom of old.
But I’m always alone.
And my heart is like ice.
And it’s crowded and cold
In My Secret Life.

I’ve Missed Julie For For A Long, Long Time

  1. Thank you for sharing Julie. I lost John several years ago, and have found tremendous healing in Leonard’s work.

  2. Brilliant, honest, and very touching Dr–

    No way she didn’t know how much you loved her.

    Thanks for sharing

  3. This must have been, and in fact still is, such a great love. How lucky that you touched each others lives like that.
    I hope you can find some comfort in your memories and some kind of healing in your pain. With me, such pain always comes back in waves. But love does too – fortunately. Thank you for sharing indeed.

  4. Julie’s life was definitely blessed by you as well. I never have the right words, but I do know this is not the end, and that you will be together again. I am sure the home fires are burning where Julie is. Be blessed…

  5. For some reason the death anniversary seems to be the hardest. Hang in there. Of course there are no words, there never are, but it does get better.