The Ideal Holiday Gift For The Terminally Cohenphilic
Since the preliminary diagnostic criteria for DSM V – 301.LC Cohenphilic Personality Disorder was published, the International Board Of Cohenphilology has reported massive numbers of confirmed cases, most of whom appear quite normal except when they find themselves in highly Conhenistic situations (e.g., attending a Leonard Cohen concert, listening to music by Leonard Cohen, reading posts at LeonardCohenForum or other Cohencentric websites, reading (or writing) a Leonard Cohen biography, …). The lack of obvious external signs of the disorder has, in fact, been identified as a major problem, leading to delays in the afflicted obtaining appropriate emergency treatment.
As is so often the case, DrHGuy, Director of the Heck Of A Guy Leonard Cohen Fan Disorders Asylum and Sanitarium, Fellow of Doctors Without Boundaries, and Chief of Research at the Leonard Cohen Fan Disorders (Love Is Not A Victory) March Of Benjamins Foundation,1 offers a reasonably priced solution.
The Cohenphilic Personality Disorder Medical Alert Bracelet is now available. As the image atop this post demonstrates (click on image for best viewing), the bracelet features the owner’s name (the bracelet in the example shown bears the name of the late, great, and sorely missed Lady Lawanda) and the diagnosis engraved into an attractive and sturdy sterling silver-stainless steel-titanium alloy bar.
The Standard Package
In addition to the identification bar, the standard Cohenphilic Personality Disorder Medical Alert Bracelet Set includes the following:
- USB device with earphones: Embedded In the USB memory is the music from each officially released Leonard Cohen album,2 bootlegs of the 1988 Toronto “Warm Reception” Concert and the 2009 Beacon Theatre show, and both versions of “Do I Have To Dance All Night.” For resuscitation in cases of prolonged Cohen deprivation, one high intensity song is pre-queued for immediate play with a single touch. While the final selection of this track is left to the owner, the default for the ladies’ model is “I’m Your Man” and for the men’s model, “Tower Of Song.”
- Medical records: The documentation provided not only covers the usual vital information, Leonard Cohen song most recently heard, last Leonard Cohen concert attended, next concert scheduled, etc., but also addresses special issues that may affect a specific bracelet owner, such as Hallelujah Hypersensitivity (intolerably negative reactions to covers of Hallelujah, often especially severe in the case of Jeff Buckley’s rendition) or Ticketmaster Tumult (intense agitation and anger, believed to be related to road rage, toward the ticket sales company based on the conviction that Ticketmaster manipulates its offerings for Leonard Cohen concerts to gouge the highest prices for sub-prime seats). Note: As a convenience to purchasers, the default setting for Emergency Contacts is Jarkko & Marie. Likewise, the initial setting for Treating Physician is DrHGuy.
Blessings Bonus: As an introductory offer, those ordering in the next 30 minutes will also receive, as part of the standard documentation package, a checklist of the various blessings that closed many Leonard Cohen World Tour concerts sanctioned for use by a hospital chaplain in place of conventional last rites.
Illustrated above are the items currently available, thanks to advances in miniaturization, as extra cost options to the Cohenphilic Personality Disorder Medical Alert Bracelet:
- Polka dot blouse constructed from highly compressible materials (more commonly known as “space age polymers”) for use by female patients as a replacement (for cases in which the polka dot blouse the client was originally wearing somehow becomes removed during the playing of “Closing Time”) and by male patients to quell frustration arising from the lack of an appropriate dancing platform during the playing of the same song
- Diode-powered, extensible facsimiles of green glow sticks
- Paper-thin expandable video screen embedded with Albert Noonan’s videos from the San Jose Concert
- The Leonard Cohen Fan Disorders (Love Is Not A Victory) March Of Benjamins is a charitable effort of compassion, raising money in tiny increments through skipathons to fund life support for those suffering from Cohenphilic Personality Disorder. As DrHGuy points out, “Every $100 donation brings a patient afflicted with Leonard Cohen Fan Disorder a little closer to receiving the desperately needed intensive care that is available only in center stage, front row seats at a Leonard Cohen concert.” [↩]
- “Death Of A Ladies’ Man” is a delete option for the squeamish. [↩]