Signs You May Be A Leonard Cohen Fan – Part 4

This is the fourth volume of the catalog of Leonard Cohen fan symptomatology. Previously published listings follow:

All You May Be A Leonard Cohen Fan If … entries can be found at the You May Be A Leonard Cohen Fan If … Page.

You may be a Leonard Cohen fan if …

  • The names of your children and your pets, your computer passwords, your car’s license plates, and your user name on the Bob Dylan Fan Forum are all derived from Leonard Cohen lyrics.
  • You routinely employ, in everyday conversation,  neologisms based on the word “Cohen,” such as Cohencentric, Cohendependent, Cohenites, Cohenthusiast, Cohenista, Cohenconspirator, Cohentastic, and, most recently, Cohenoscopy.
  • After months of research and interviews, you have found a lawyer willing to advance the legal theory that singing the words, “I’m your man” in public constitutes a binding contract in Ireland.

  • You are intensely ambivalent about Meryl Streep because …
    On one hand, she is widely regarded as one of the most talented actors of the modern era, earning 16 Academy Award nominations (winning two) 25 Golden Globe nominations (winning seven), two Emmy Awards, the American Film Institute’s Lifetime Achievement Award, two Screen Actors Guild Awards, a Cannes Film Festival award, four New York Film Critics Circle Awards, five Grammy Award nominations, a BAFTA award, an Australian Film Institute Award and a Tony Award nomination, amongst others. She is a major supporter of worthwhile causes, including Partners in Health (one of the largest non-governmental health care providers in Haiti), Stand Up To Cancer, Healthy Child Healthy World, the AIDS Project Los Angeles, and many others. She promotes The Academy of American Poets and Americans For The Arts. She has spoken out forcefully and articulately against domestic violence and sexual assault.
    On the other hand, when she alluded in her speech at the 2010 Barnard Commencement to these lyrics by Leonard Cohen,

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in.

    she paraphrased Cohen’s words rather than directly quoting them.
Meryl Streep’s Commencement Speech at Barnard College

Video automatically begins with allusion to Leonard Cohen lyrics.

  • You defend yourself from being stereotyped as solely a Leonard Cohen fan by pointing out that you also like Sharon Robinson.
  • After an unrequited year long search for a specific photo of Leonard and his daughter Lorca – which you saw somewhere once – you contact DrHGuy to ask his assistance, assuming (correctly) that  he will not only be able to help but also will find nothing odd about your quest.

  • You have been involved in a vehement argument comparing two Leonard Cohen biographies, one which has been out of print for two decades and one which won’t be published for another year.
  • You don’t see anything unusual about a blog devoting two long posts to lamenting the overuse of “Hallelujah” in headlines about Leonard Cohen, another entry devoted to cliches used to describe Cohen’s stage attire, still another which revels in the up-close photo of one of the slides Cohen uses with his bolo ties, and four posts (so far) under the heading “You Might Be A Leonard Cohen Fan If … .”
  • You have taken to filling in “Leonard Cohen” as your emergency contact, figuring that if you’re lucky enough to have a major accident, he would be too gracious not to respond and, if you regain consciousness,  you might get the chance to meet him . Besides, if you get hurt someone will tell your mother soon enough.
  • The last time your doctor asked about previous diagnoses, you automatically included “Cohenphilic Personality Disorder.”
  • Since scheduling for the 2010 Leonard Cohen World Tour began, you have been stuck in a continuous loop, singing “Please Don’t Pass Me By” (“please, baby, please, baby, please…”)
  • You have Photoshopped yourself into the left side of  this photo:

lc-me-22

Note: If you have Photoshopped yourself into the right side of this photo, you should contact your personal mental health professional as quickly as possible.

  • You feel that your 10 year old granddaughter properly understands which issues achieve cosmic significance when she sends you a letter from summer camp that contains the following:

…  and my best friend ______ Cohen (no relation) is in my cabin.

  • Your idea of a tour of New York is visiting the Chelsea Hotel twice and, if time permits,  buying a post card of the Statue of Liberty from the rack in the lobby.
  • You exude excitement about Leonard Cohen  you cannot contain, as exemplified in this email received by Heck Of A Guy:

I just had to write and tell you my long awaited car bumper sticker has arrived from Ukraine (good old eBay!). Bad news is [my husband] has banished me from sticking it on the car because he has to drive it occasionally. I have resorted to sticking it on my saxophone case, (I was compelled to take sax lessons after watching Dino Soldo on LC Live in London, as a tribute to the ‘Master of Breath’).

I can’t keep it in – was so excited to get my post today. My Leonard Cohen, Sligo tickets came from Ticketmaster, and my other stickers from the Ukraine. (I had to order another one to put on my motorbike). Best day of the year so far.

  • You take your Leonard Cohen “Live in London” DVD with you when babysitting your three granddaughters (and everywhere else you go – because you never know when you might need a fix), explaining to them that you are going to play it for “just a few minutes’ to determine how it looks on their extra large TV.  (Unsurprisingly, they rather enjoyed it.)
  • You are convinced that nothing would enhance and enrich Western Culture quite so much as the formation of the Field Commander Cohen Boogie Street Marching Band, Color Guard, & Hallelujah Society.
  • Upon reading, in an email from a guy you’ve never met, the idea that nothing would enhance and enrich  Western Culture quite so much as the formation of the Field Commander Cohen Boogie Street Marching Band, Color Guard, & Hallelujah Society, you immediately and intuitively see the value of this concept and set a plan in motion to accomplish this goal.
  • You have developed and validated a scale for grading the severity of earthquakes, hurricanes, volcanoes, floods, tropical storms, and other natural catastrophes that is based exclusively on calibrations of the effect each such event has on the Leonard Cohen World Tour.
  • Your musical discrimination is so acute and your expectations of musical professionals so lofty that you only offered polite applause at the last Chicago Symphony Orchestra concert because the wind entrances were uneven and the tone was lackluster, but you led a standing ovation in acknowledgment of the virtuosity of Leonard Cohen’s one hand keyboard solo on “Tower Of Song.”
Leonard Cohen 2008 Tour – Tower Of Song (Sofiero Sweden)

  • First, you bid for Leonard Cohen concert tickets during the pre-sale; then, you figure out where the hell Zagreb is.

    • The process by which you decide which Leonard Cohen T-shirt to purchase (or make) bears an uncomfortably close resemblance to an episode of Say Yes To The Dress – except you attribute more long-term significance to your choice of t-shirts – and you don’t bring your mother to help with the selection.
    • You know at least 7 individuals with whom you can perform, without preparation or warning, an impromptu call and response routine using these alternating lines:You were Marlon Brando,
      I was Steve McQueen.

      You were K.Y. Jelly,
      I was Vaseline.

      You were the father of modern medicine,

      I was Mr. Clean.

      You where the whore and the beast of Babylon,

      I was Rin Tin Tin.
    • You flunked middle school geography, but you  know how far it is from your home to Leonard Cohen’s house and to his childhood home in Montreal, the distance from Manhattan to Berlin (3967 miles), the longitude and latitude of the Chelsea Hotel, and the location of every city on the Leonard Cohen World Tour.  And, you can reproduce, from memory, a detailed topographical map of the island of Hydra.

  • You have devoted more time to planning, revising, and fine-tuning the hypothetical menu you would prepare if Leonard Cohen dropped in for dinner than you have spent on your family’s meals over the past decade.
  • You have petitioned your doctoral dissertation committee to approve the topic  “The Hermeneutics Of Eroticism Implicit  In Performance-Evoked Culture-Bound Paradigmatic Audience Fantasies Of Handling Leonard Cohen Like Meat,” and the associated research proposal which would require you to attend every 2010 Leonard Cohen concert.
  • You have been accused of intentionally injuring yourself to provide opportunities to remark to bystanders that  “I ache in the places where I used to play.”
  • As an independent, empowered woman, you believe guys who use pickup lines are losers, but you secretly suspect you might succumb to certain phrases, such as

And lie beside me, baby,
that’s an order!

Won’t you let me see your naked body

And I’m crazy for love but I’m not coming on

  • Your only concern about your elocution is the nagging fear you don’t call soft enough

One Response to Signs You May Be A Leonard Cohen Fan – Part 4

  1. So where do I find this Dylan Fan Forum?
    — 1Kkisses