Category Archives: Bagatelles

Frivolous amusements

Got The Blues? It Could Be Worse

blueschords_500

What If The Blues Never Happened?

The musical answer to that musical question can be found in the videos of Ray Charles and The Rolling Stones – minus the blues at I Get The Blues.

So true – and so funny.

While you’re at I Get The Blues,  check out the rest of the  site. It provides information and insight about sub-genres of the blues  without the condescension one often finds on specialty music web pages.

Credit Due Department: I am once again indebted to  the talented and luscious Anjani, who sent the link to these videos my way.1

  1. “My way,” one notes, rhymes with “threeway,” for which I would prefer being in Anjani’s debt, and Lord knows, I’ve been patient about this. []

Monty Python YouTube Channel Is On The Air

This video features the Monty Python stalwarts in a Monty Python skit about the development and availability of a Monty Python channel on YouTube, broadcasting only high-grade, free video clips of their best shows.

It’s all very Monty Python.

YouTube Preview Image


The Lost Leonard Cohen Album – Songs Of Love And Halloween

Leonard Cohen’s Record Company And Other Scary Things

More Leonard Cohen Info Not Found On Other Web Sites1

Disappointed with the sales of Leonard Cohen’s first two albums, Songs of Leonard Cohen and Songs From a Room, his record label demanded that  he produce a novelty LP tied to Halloween to increase his commercial appeal.  His protests that issuing an album in this genre would be incongruent with his style were countered by the corporation’s argument that “no one is buying the poet turned singer-songwriter shtick.”

The result was Songs of Love and Halloween, a collection of tracks, including Nightmare On Boogie Street, Hey, That’s No Way To Say Trick Or Treat, Monster Mash Me To The End Of Love, Tacoma Trailer Park Murders, and Bates Motel #2, the recording company executives  were to finally judge “too depressing for Halloween,” leading them to cancel distribution of the already pressed album.

Songs of Love and Hate, rather than Songs of Love And Halloween, eventually became the third Cohen album.

The songs themselves, with new titles and minor modifications of the lyrics, formed the nucleus of Cohen’s repertoire over the course of his career.

Songs of Love and Halloween – The Afterlife

Leonard Cohen and his record company have consistently denied  the existence of Songs of Love and Halloween, but to this day, those passing by a certain Montreal warehouse near the harbor after sunset on October 31st report hearing a low-pitched, gravelly voice singing – or wailing – about the woman who “… cut off my head on the unmade bed”


  1. “Other Web Sites,” are defined as those that unimaginatively limit themselves to facts about Leonard Cohen. See also 10 Unbelievable Secrets About Leonard Cohen []

Protection From The Slings and Arrows Of Stupidity

Expanding The Scope Of The YouTube Comment Snob

YouTube Comments do not have much impact on my life, and, consequently, I have no compellilng need for the YouTube Comment Snob, an add-on to the Firefox browser that blocks those comments that violate any of the rules chosen by the user:

  • More than # spelling mistakes: The number of mistakes is customizable, and the extension uses Firefox’s built-in spell checker.
  • All capital letters
  • No capital letters
  • Doesn’t start with a capital letter
  • Excessive punctuation (!!!! ????)
  • Excessive capitalization
  • Profanity

On the other had, once they build one of these that will filter out nasty, inane, or incompetent communications from newspapers, magazines, television, radio, and conversations as well as the Internet, I’ll be the first in line to buy it – whatever the price.

Anthonio Benito Wants To Spear My Life

While I planned to suspend blogging through Lady Lawanda’s illness, I just received an email which cries out for posting and does require me to operate under a deadline. I’ve copied and pasted it below in all its un-spellchecked glory:

The Threat

from Red Bullet Point
date Tue, May 27, 2008 at 4:09 AM
subject SOMEONE YOU CALL YOUR FRIEND, WANTS YOU DEAD.

SOMEONE YOU CALL YOUR FRIEND, WANTS YOU DEAD.

I felt very sorry and bad for you, that your life is going to end like this if you don’t comply, i was paid to eliminate you and I have to do it within 10 days. Someone you call your friend wants you dead by all means, and the person have spent a lot of money on this, the person also came to us and told us that he wants you dead and he provided us your names, photograph and other necessary information we needed about you.

If you are in doubt with this I will send you your name and where you are residing in my next mail. Meanwhile, I have sent my boys to track you down and they have carried out the necessary investigation needed for the operation, but I ordered them to stop for a while and not to strike immediately because I just felt something good and sympathetic about you. I decided to contact you first and know why somebody will want you dead by all means. Right now my men are monitoring you, their eyes are on you, and even the place you think is safer for you to hide might not be. Now do you want to LIVE OR DIE? It is up to you. Get back to me now if you are ready to enter deal with me, I mean life trade, who knows, and I might just spear your life, $12,000 is all you need to spend.

You will first of all pay $4,000 then I will send the tape of the person that want you dead to you and when the tape gets to you, you will pay the remaining $8,000. If you are not ready for my help, then I will have no choice but to carry on the assignment after all I have already being paid before now. Warning: Do not think of contacting the police or even tell anyone because I will extend it to any member of your family since you are aware that somebody want you dead, and the person knows some members of your family as well. For your own good I will advise you not to go out once is 7pm until I make out time to see you and give you the tape of my discussion with the person who wantyou dead then you can use it to take any legal action.

Good luck as I await your reply to this e-mail contact: [email protected]

Mr.Anthonio Benito.

The Response

Dear Mr. Benito –

Although I hesitate to criticize a correspondent who is so concerned about my wellbeing, I feel I must offer some advice that I hope you will accept in the constructive spirit in which it is given.

While I am not well versed in the assassination biz, I do take some pride in my use of the written word to communicate effectively. I think you’ll find, for example, that careful spelling and adherence to grammatical standards will result in an altogether more intimidating missive. After all, if the intended victim believes you cannot execute a properly composed email message, how is that marked man to believe you can properly execute him?

As a matter of style, the use of all caps (e.g., “LIVE OR DIE” and “SOMEONE YOU CALL YOUR FRIEND, WANTS YOU DEAD”) is considered, at best, the kind of affectation only a novice emailer would employ. Some may even consider this tactic rude. In any case, the content (i.e., life and death) is where the drama lies in these lines, and shouting them, as it were, only undercuts the impact.

By the way, perhaps I been too influenced by TV and movies, but $12,000 seems an embarrassingly small payoff for my life. I’m a little disappointed that my death is worth less than the price of a used Mazda.

If you are asking $12,000 from me, it seems likely that the payment being offered by my persecutor is in the same range. As a businessman, I’m amazed you can pay for your own time, let alone hire employees (I assume “my boys” are employees, although I suppose they could be subcontractors), working with a gross of only $12,000.

The flip side of the money issue derives from your salutation that begins “SOMEONE YOU CALL YOUR FRIEND.” I call precious few individuals “friend,” and none of those is likely to have an extra $12,000 to throw away just to see me dead. Duke of Derm is paying off his daughter’s wedding, and Lord of Leisure is a retired teacher, for goodness sake. My other friends are in similar straits.

Perhaps you have been misled about the “FRIEND” thing. If, perchance, your contract is with one or both of my children, it is my sad duty as their father to warn you that both are notoriously poor money managers. You should certainly get your cash up front. In any case, don’t fall for the “I’ll pay you once I collect the inheritance” ploy. Besides the fact that every dispersal of any portion of the $11.73 each stands to collect has to be approved by 18 trustees, both of my sons have routinely reneged on similar arrangements (e.g., “I’ll pay you back tomorrow after I get my check from work”) with me.

If your employer is one of my exes, well, you might be in over your head.

I would also advise against disclosing the terms of the threat in your warning notes. Rather than set up the 10 day countdown, for example, you might do well to keep it ambiguous, as in “You won’t know when, you won’t know where, but I will find you and kill you. It might be tomorrow in your own home, it might be a year from now when you’re relaxing on vacation, … but I’m going to get you – because that’s my job and I’m good at my job.” See, isn’t that a bit more coldblooded as well as more frightening and worrisome? And, it offers the extra benefit of flexibility if you and your boys are handling more than one assignment at a time.

I must point out, however, that your insouciantly equivocal offer of “who knows, [for $12,000] I might just spear your life,” even without the confusing, tragicomic  misspelling, is likely to be counterproductive. If you know anything about me at all, you’ll know that I’m not putting out $12,000 (incidentally, can you take a credit card? I get a rebate on my Chase card and that would cut my expenses on this deal) just on the chance that you “might just spear [my] life.” I’ll need more affirmative language in that clause and some kind of warranty. (My accountant suggests that, rather than a lump sum payoff, payments be spread over a three year period which would give me some guarantee that the no-death contract would be honored as well as define an amortization schedule for tax purposes.)

It’s a tiny point, and it might again be the influence of too much TV on my part, but your language and cadences makes the email I received sound like something – and I apologize for the implicit insult – a spammer would send. I was under the impression that your basic murderer would use a tad more jargon. Instead of “$12,000,” one might, for example, use the notation, “12 large.” And using a vocabulary that conjures up violent imagery (rather than variations of the passive “your life is going to end” as your note does) could be very effective in some cases. Even your “Red Bullet Point” corporate name calls to mind PowerPoint slides rather than guns, and, while one could argue that the latter is more deadly, in this context, one would do best to eschew the metaphorical sphere, opting instead for blunt, concrete terminology. In this regard, I recommend reading or watching a couple of David Mamet dramas, paying special attention to the dialog.

Finally, it may be a strategic error to pose to your subjects the existential query of choosing to live or die. That is a decision many of us already approach daily with considerable ambivalence. Tapping into that angst with your message will, at best, delay the response and may even lead to awkward situations in which the so-called victim demands you carry out the threat, relieving him or her of the responsibility, rendering you, in effect, a less sophisticated stand-in for Dr Kevorkian.

I do go on, don’t I? There are many more needed improvements of this sort but since I only have 10 days to live, I know you will understand that I cannot go into much detail. On the other hand, if you are interested, I could put together a comprehensive tutorial for a reasonable fee, which would include the $12,000 payoff you are requesting. In fact, if you can refer a few colleagues in your trade who are interested in such lessons, I am willing to discount my price.

I know this is a lot for you to digest so I’ll end here and give you a chance to respond. We can take up the discussion at this point after you’ve had a chance to ponder all this.

Let me know what you think.

Yours,

DrHGuy

PS As I noted, I’m new to the threatening letter game, but I’m guessing that your name is a pseudonym. If that is the case, I believe you’ll find that the Russian Mob has superseded the Italian Mafia as the most intimidating demographic. The next time, rather than “Anthonio Benito” you might want to try something along the lines of “Ivan Keripaska” or “Oleg Belkov.” This is not a make or break issue, but in negotiations one needs every edge possible.

___________________________________________

Update: See my next note to Anthonio et al following my receipt of a call from the Feds: To Anthonio Benito Or Current Addressee

The Fedora Goes Fab

As is clear from recent posts,1 DrHGuy is quite taken by the headgear Leonard Cohen has worn in the opening concerts of the 2008 Tour.2

Pretty (Fabulous) In Pink

While scanning hats in this category, DrHGuy came upon a pink ladies’ fedora, a discovery that, of course, inevitably led to thoughts of the exquisite Fabiola.

While DrHGuy lacks the hubris to advise Fabiola on any fashion issue, let alone suggest she don millinery that would obscure even a portion of her signature beehive coiffure, he also proves unable to resist employing the fabulous one as a model for the referenced chapeau.

Alas, while the result is all that could be hoped this side of heaven, it is inconclusive as a measure of the attractiveness of the hat simply because Fabiola makes everything she wears3 look good.

Credit Due Department: Fabiola resides, when not modeling for the Heck of a Haberdashery, at Celebrate Your Inner Fabiola! (which is a different cyber-universe altogether than the one occupied by Mary, Fabiola’s alter ego at View From A Farmhouse Window)

  1. See Leonard Cohen Is The Cat In The Hat, The Cat In The Hat Is Back – Leonard Cohen Opens Tour, and Old Hat To Leonard Cohen Is New Look For DrHGuy []
  2. DrHGuy is aware that Leonard Cohen, long known as a spiffy dresser, has previously appeared beneath a fedora but the hat in this case appears to be part of the performance package specific to this Tour []
  3. or drives or prepares or fondles or … []