United Airlines Still Owes Me 4 O’Hare Hours
The Unabridged Version of United Airlines Owes Me 4 O’Hare Hours With Epilogue
Last week’s terse post, United Airlines Owes Me 4 O’Hare Hours (Equal to 16 regular hours) and Readers 1 Post,1 is flawed in that it indicates that I am complaining about what was, after all, only a four hour delay in our trip.
Perhaps I can explain.
The First Time Is Always Special;
This Was Not The First Time, Nor Was It Special
First, my discontent did not arise as a reaction to the first scheduling mishap I encountered in a bizarrely charmed lifetime of problem-free flying.
Although I have been, with the exception of three or four years, an infrequent flier, I can immediately recall a number of logistical aviation mishaps I’ve experienced. For example, on one of my first vacations, when time off was a precious commodity, 8 hours of my tiny annual allotment of leisure moments was dissipated at O’Hare in waiting for a repair of the plane assigned to our route. That delay set off a domino effect, causing us to miss the connecting flight to Maui where our nifty beach-front hotel was located. Instead, my wife and I arrived in Hawaii in the wee hours of the morning to be transported, without our baggage, to our replacement lodgings, an off-brand motel with a view of several Honolulu parking lots. (Because of a canceled flight a few years later, I was a tenant for a night at that same motel, which had somehow been transported to a site at the end of one of the St. Louis airport runways.) After several more dominoes tumbled, we finally ended up in another hotel in Maui for a couple of days (our originally reserved room was given as an upgrade to another guest when it became apparent we would not be using it that first night), after which time we were finally re-united with our checked bags, a delay, the airline customer service voice on the phone pointed out, that was of our own making since the airline could hardly be held accountable for our decision to change hotels.2
I’ve experienced lost luggage (always on business trips, by the way), delays attributed to the weather, mechanical problems, and FAA regulations,3 duplicate tickets discovered only after the other passenger and I competing for the same seat were onboard (the other passenger assigned to 18C opted for the voucher and a “next flight out” promise), more passengers showing up with tickets than the plane could accommodate, pilot job actions, and, as it is said, much much more.
Last week’s delay was neither the first nor even in the running for the worst of the batch.
So What Was The Big Deal?
Issue #1: The realization that I was thinking, “Heck, it was only a 4 hour delay; why am I complaining?”
That thought triggered the sudden and unsettling realization that I had, in effect, enrolled in the UAL 12-Step Program, the fundamental percept of which is
— and, certainly, that my life had become unmanageable
I was not only buying into UAL’s rationalizations and minimizations, I was directly wired into their message center.
I should have been suspicious when the only beverage offered on my last flight was Kool-Aid.
Issue #2: Now, About That Four Hour Delay …
-
It was a four hour delay of a flight scheduled for less than two hours in the air. 4
- It was a four hour delay that was announced as first as delays of an hour, then 30 minutes, then 10 minutes. Sometimes there were even positive movements - the takeoff time changed from 12:30 to 12:25. The delays, in fact, continued to decrease in magnitude until the announcement came that the flight had been canceled. Oddly, all the passengers, as far as I could determine, believed these announcements, citing the decreasing length of time for the delays as a positive indicator.
-
It was a four hour delay that was finally canceled after a four hour wait without an airplane ever entering the gate.
-
It was a four hour delay that UAL expected us to accept although, thanks to one of the most unilateral contracts permitted since the Emancipation Proclamation, United would not only refuse to refund our Economy Class ticket price if we missed the plane, regardless of the reason we did not arrive on time, but would (and did) also re-sell those already paid-for seat to others passengers.
- It was a four hour delay that we had little choice but to accept. United, like the other carriers, confesses its responsibilities only when such declarations are mandated and then in (literally) fine print. While those feature articles in the travel section of the Trib point recommend that we all learn the arcane, complex, and changing regulations re passenger rights, that would seem a low return investment for those of us who travel infrequently. At one point, I considered aborting the entire effort, but with our checked bags somewhere in the bowels of O’Hare and our electronic tickets electronically paid, I had no idea if or when we would be able to recover either our luggage or my money.5 And, although I couldn’t understand every word of announcements made on that 1958 Sears home intercom system O’Hare uses, I’m fairly certain nothing was said on the lines of “If you would prefer a refund, … .”
-
It was a four hour delay that was first announced by United’s Alerting Service only after we had arrived early enough to park, carry our bags 1/4 mile to the people-mover station, wait for said people-mover to arrive, ride to the terminal, pay to have our bags checked curbside rather than wait in a seemingly stationery check-in line of well over 80 passengers, wait in another line to be inspected for threats to safety and democracy, and made our way to the gate where our flight would not take off.6
-
It was a four hour delay for a flight that, according to three different United agents I cornered, on that day was never more than a gleam in the eye of a scheduler somewhere.
-
It was a four hour delay that could have been a 24 hour delay (or more) if I had followed instructions. At the time of the cancellation, one of my sons was automatically rebooked for the next day’s flight. My other son and I were not rebooked. All passengers on the flight were instructed to rebook at C18, which was manned by two United agents. Unable to contact a human at the United phone numbers, I threw myself on the mercy of an United agent at another gate, asking for an alternative to standing in the imperceptibly moving line at C18. Following the recommendation to go directly to the United gate with the next flight to our destination, I again went into begging mode with the agent there. She did her incantation by keyboard thing and created three seats on an overbooked flight. That plane was only delayed another hour and 30 minutes. During all the time spent rebooking and waiting for the next plane, my phone went off continually with messages from the Alerting Service informing me that our original flight would be “delayed until ____ .” I finally had the calls discontinued an hour after the cancellation. At that point, I was receiving alternating messages that (1) United was apologetic for canceling the original flight and (2) the original flight would again be delayed by 30 minutes.
- It was a four hour delay that changed our schedule with built in time cushions to a schedule that had us speeding to our hotel after we arrived, showering and changing in 12 minutes in order to arrive at a dinner two hours late.
-
It was a four hour delay on a flight for which we were still charged the full fee. United’s -pre-recorded announcements did, however, apologize “for any inconvenience” caused by the cancellation.
- It was a four hour delay that was never officially explained.
Issue #3: The United Zombie Effect
I was (and still am) convinced that the explanations and apologies for delays and problems from the airlines rendered during the first years I flew, were genuine and empathic.
A few years ago, I became aware that the words and phrases used in such circumstances had become standardized and reflected the expertise of the airline’s customer service training workshops rather than the airline employee’s own responses. On paper, the words were unfailingly polite, but almost always the answer to any query from a passenger was “No.” For example, “Yes, I can see why you are upset that your mother had to be hospitalized after our skycap mistook her for check-in luggage and threw her onto the conveyor belt where she broke both her legs. I’d feel the same way. But, you did buy a nonrefundable ticket and we have no choice but to keep your money and sell that seat to someone else. Oh, by the way, your plane has been delayed by 30 minutes. Have a great flight!”
On this trip, however, I noticed that passenger complaints evoked a different response - a voiceless, immovable face. Passengers were allowed to wear themselves out while the agent did nothing but look straight ahead with a blank expression. There was no argument, excuse, or justification provided. At most, the agent would repeat his original response (e.g., “There are no seats on Flight 666″).
Looking about, it was clear this was not an isolated incident; either UAL has begun a policy of mandatory Botox injections for all agents or a lot of these folks have given up trying to manage their role as liaison between the airline corporation and the passengers.
I had seen that deadened face reaction before. It was, in fact, the M.O. of the DMV offices I’d visited over the years. The scary part is that at the DMV (or at least my local branch of it) has improved by a quantum leap or two. It’s a bad sign for the airlines that renewing my drivers license is a now a significantly more pleasant experience than catching a flight.
But What Can You Do About It?
Well, for the first time in the 21 years of annual vacation trips, we are planning - despite the price of gas and the 1,000 mile/2 day drive - to hit the road for Hilton Head Island rather than flying the not-so-friendly skies.
Footnotes
- In fairness, I should point out that I have no evidence that United Airlines or O’Hare Airport is significantly worse (or better) than other carriers or airports, respectively. It happens that the overwhelming majority of my lifetime flights have been on United out of O’Hare so I have far more experience with those entities than others of their ilk. ~back~
- I am convinced that were a history buff to pursue the trail of fallen dominoes from this point, it would require only a few more steps to explain the current downturn in the housing market and the decisions that led this country’s involvement in Iraq. ~back~
- Incredibly, no airline has ever been at fault for a delay I’ve suffered. Each airline in each circumstance has been exquisitely clear about this on every occasion, including episodes when I’ve been involuntarily bumped because my flight was “overbooked,” a circumstance in which the airline was apparently victimized by a force or forces unknown. In fact, I was given the impression that I was being held responsible making so-called reservations two months ahead and then showing up. ~back~
- Yes, I realize that, for the airlines, a delay is a delay, i.e., the distance of and time required for a flight has no impact on the length of the delay in getting that plan to the origin of the flight in question. But for a passenger, the perception is different. I had budgeted for a total package of travel-stress based on fixed time requirements (e.g., travel time to airport, time to check bags, etc) and the variable time required for a flight. In this case that variable was about 1 hour, 40 minutes. Extending that by 4 hours produces a significant negative effect. And, the short time required for the flight means, at least theoretically, that the airline has a chance of making another plane available for that run - if they plan for such eventualities. ~back~
- This is why informed consent in healthcare entails providing patients with the risks and their options before starting treatment, not after the surgeon nicks the aorta. ~back~
- It could have been worse. The other economy parking lots, while cheaper than ours, require a shuttle ride to the lot where we parked, after which one takes the people-mover to the terminal, … ~back~
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The Big Little Golden Rules Of Cohen Concert Comportment
Concert Manners: A Supplement To The Big Little Golden Book Of Leonard Cohen
Cohen On Concerts
-Leonard Cohen1
The DrHGuy Corollary
-DrHGuy
How To Be Leonard Cohen’s Friend2
While this post, like all the The Big Little Golden Book Of Leonard Cohen offerings, is specifically addressed to new fans of Leonard Cohen and those unfamiliar with Cohen who may be persuaded to attend one of the concerts in the upcoming Leonard Cohen 2008 World Tour by a Cohenophilic friend, lover, or family member, the principles of concert behavior discussed extend to most performers and audiences.3 In keeping with the underlying premise of the Big Little Golden Book of Leonard Cohen, these concepts of concert behavior are few in number and simple in content:
Big Little Golden Rule of Concert Behavior #1: Play Nice With Others4
While I suspect this lesson may be less necessary for a Leonard Cohen crowd than it would be for, oh, a Stones concert in the 60s,5 it bears repeating that unless one is fortunate enough to constitute the entire audience at a Leonard Cohen performance, one incurs certain responsibilities vis-a-vis other attendees.
These responsibilities can be summarized in a concise albeit awkward declaration: Avoid unnecessary behaviors that interfere with others enjoying the performance.
Or, again as Dad told you, “Don’t be a jerk.”
Examples of proscribed behaviors include
- Standing throughout the concert directly in front of the folks in wheelchairs.
- Whacking the guy in front of you with a tire iron or other blunt instrument - unless he has been standing in front of you throughout the concert and you are in a wheelchair.
- Repeatedly shouting, “Play Freebird,” especially if that is followed by a prolonged pause for laughter that, if there is any organizing force in the cosmos, will never come.
- Flashing your bare bosom - unless you are a voluptuous, attractive young woman endowed with a pert bosom, and the flashing is done tastefully.
- Mentioning more than once - regardless of how pseudo-casually you work it into the conversation - that you were at Cohen’s 1974 Manchester Concert, his appearance at the 1970 Isle of Wight Festival, the 1988 Reykjavik Concert, etc unless you first persuade at least two other folks seated within five feet of you to sign a notarized affidavit formally requesting a recitation of your experiences.
Big Little Golden Rule of Concert Behavior #2: Be Attentive To The Performer
This idea goes beyond listening to the songs (although that seemingly obvious axiom is violated in a surprisingly large number of cases) to include adjusting ones behavior in accord with the performance. The steps leading to this principle follow:
- A Live Performance Implies A Live Performer. The difference between attending a live performance of a singer-songwriter and listening to a recording of that singer-songwriter is - well, that the music is produced by a living, often sentient creature in the former case and by an inanimate system in the latter.
Still with me? OK.
- Live Performer + Live Audience = Interaction. The fundamental consequence of an audience and a performer being simultaneously present at a live show is the potential for interaction that can significantly enhance or detract from the performance.
-
Optimal Interaction Is A Moving Target. The optimal interaction between the audience and performer depends on the audience and, especially, the performer. It seems unlikely, for example, that the optimal interaction between James Taylor and his audience is identical to the optimal interaction between Metallica and their audience. Further, the optimal interaction between audience and performer typically shifts during a single performance. An attuned audience reacts differently to Springsteen offering up a near-whispered version of “Devils and Dust” than it does to the same guy belting out “Radio Nowhere” with the E Street Band blaring and still differently than it does to Bruce reaching back for one more iteration of “Thunder Road.” And, special situations within concerts, such as the performer’s first entrance, the finale, the guest star, the encores, … all have implications for crowd responses.
- The Bullseye Of The Moving Target Is The Performer. Just as a practical matter, setting the tone for the show is more efficaciously accomplished by the person(s) on stage than by, say, the 36,000 members of the audience in the stadium. More to the point, the performer is typically the only person in the house who actually knows where the musical journey is supposed to be headed. There would seem to be certain advantages that would accrue to following the participant who drew the map.
Hey, nobody said enjoying a concert is easy.
On the other hand, it ain’t rocket science.
To Be Attentive To The Performer, one must be able to distinguish between a performer and an audience member. Consequently, the Heck of a Guy blog offers …
Clues To Determine If You Are The Performer Or An Audience Member
- Is your name on the marquee? If so, there is an excellent chance you are the performer. If the name on the marquee is not yours or an alias you recognize, you are probably an audience member.
- Are you being paid for showing up tonight (probably the performer) or are you paying for showing up tonight (probably an audience member)?
- Is there a jerk who keeps requesting that you sing “Freebird?” If so, you are the performer. (Unless the jerk is drunk, in which case his requests are of no predictive value.)
- Do you find yourself declaring that you were born with the gift of a golden voice? You may be Leonard Cohen. Check your schedule. If today is a scheduled concert on your 2008 tour, you are the performer. If you find yourself declaring that you were born in the USA, on the other hand, you are not Leonard Cohen - but may be Bruce Springsteen.
Live Performance Scenarios
For an example of why it’s important to know what the intended effect will be - or to follow someone who does know, check out this excerpt from Ray Charles & The Raelettes at Estival Jazz in Lugano, Switzerland July 1, 1986
Ray Charles - “Out Of Time”
Often the performer will cue the audience about the response desired from them.
I hereby confess to having attended not one but two Peter, Paul, and Mary concerts (with a gap of twenty years between those performances).
In the first of these encounters, Peter Yarrow prefaced their rendition of “Puff The Magic Dragon,” with
Please don’t. [my paraphrasing]
Subtle, eh?
In contradistinction to the example involvilng Ray Charles, other performers at other concerts invite fans to sing along, praising the results regardless of the skill level exhibited. This excerpt is from the Carole King Living Room Tour CD
Carole King - Medley from Living Room Tour CD
Other artists, including the Artist Currently Known as Prince, are more critical and may coach the crowd, beseeching them to improve.
Prince - Las Vegas Concert
Still others all but demand the crowd’s participation, as does Madonna in this excerpt from the ominously named fantasy, “Everybody Is A Star.”
Madonna - London Concert (September 26, 1993)
But How About Leonard Cohen?
As we know, Leonard Cohen is one complex dude. Consequently, it will come as no surprise that one has to stay on ones intellectual toes because there is the sarcastic but ultimately forgiving Leonard Cohen, who would prefer not to compete with self-congratulatory applause from the audience triggered by their recognition of the song he has started.
Leonard Cohen in concert #1 (from Bird On A Wire Documentary)
And there is also the Leonard Cohen who encourages his concert friends to take part in Hootenanny rituals. Kleeble reports in leonardcohenforum that “my most vivid memory of those days is standing on my seat, singing and clapping along to “You Are My Sunshire” at Manchester (Free Trade Hall I think) in 1974.”
Leonard Cohen in concert #2
And that, friends, is why one has to Be Attentive To The Performer.
And finally, …
Big Little Golden Rule of Concert Behavior #3: Use Restroom Before The Concert
A Closing Thought On Concert Behavior
- John Lennon
Footnotes
- From An Interview with Leonard Cohen by Robert Sward. A Side. Montreal, Quebec - 1984 ~back~
- Leonard Cohen has routinely addressed members of his concert audiences as “friends.” At the end of his final song, for example, he often utters a benediction, bidding the crowd farewell with something along the lines of “Good Night, Friends.” He rarely refers to his “fans” or the “audience.” ~back~
- ”Most,” in this case, includes those performers who aspire to a positive connection with their audiences. The notion of “optimal interaction between performer and audience,” one of the keys to to proper concert behavior, collides with catastrophic cognitive dissonance when applied to those performers (certain punk bands and performance artists come to mind) whose preferred connection to their audience appears to be mutual antipathy. ~back~
- ”Play nice with others” is how your mother put it; if your father taught you this principle, he phrased it, “Don’t be a jerk.” ~back~
- That would be a Stones concert during the 1960s, not a concert when the Stones are in their 60s ~back~
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The Very Very Good Girl - SportsBizPro Nuptial Quiz
The wedding of Very Very Good Girl and SportsBizPro1 took place as planned this weekend. There may well be more discussion of the events, but for tonight I offer one of my favorite scenes from the ceremonies as a pictorial quiz.
In this post-wedding photo of Very Very Good Girl, she is
A. Dancing with exuberance and abandon
B. Shimmying out of her gown with exuberance and abandon
C. Demonstrating the overhead, two-handed throw used to inbound the ball in soccer with exuberance but not so much abandon
D. Posing as the model for a hood ornament
E. Performing the Antler Dance, which she chose for the Bride and Groom First Dance2
F. Completing the toss of the bridal bouquet, causing the assembled unmarried women, ostensibly gathered to catch the flowers, to scatter in terror as though the floral arrangement were a live hand grenade.
Footnotes
- See I Knew The Bride When She Used To Rock and Roll Heck, I Knew The Bride When She Sang Her ABCs ~back~
- Added 13 May 2008 ~back~
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A Wise Man Once Said - Never Use This Wedding Toast
Weddings and the Web
Charged with the responsibility of developing music playlists to cover the band’s breaks at the nuptials of Very Very Good Girl and SportsBizPro this weekend,1 I was trolling the Internet for inspiration when I came across a number of web sites focusing on one aspect or another of weddings: advice about everything from appropriate gifts to inappropriate behavior, expositions on prevailing styles in wedding gowns and tuxedos, lamentations about guests who don’t RSVP but do show up at the adults-only, no extra guests please reception - accompanied by their six urchins, three dogs, and the guy who has been stalking the bride for the past 34 months - expecting to be fed and entertained, and so on.
I also found, of course, beaucoup wedding videos of the newly weds dancing, the wedding party dancing, the bride cutting the cake, the bride and groom exchanging vows, … and, most significantly for the topic of this post, the toasting of the newly married couple.
The Hugh Grant Wedding Speech Fallacy
In “Four Weddings and a Funeral,” Hugh Grant’s character is an affectionately bumbling bloke who awkwardly delivers a wedding speech that is sweetly salacious, droll as all get-out, and funny. This sort of scene has, I believe, seduced too many best men and others into the conviction that they too can bumble their way through an awkward toast that is witty to the point of hilarity.
They are, tragically, mistaken.
Hugh Grant and the others are - and this seems to have somehow gone unnoticed - actors in a movie, rendering dialog written by professional screenwriters to an audience of other actors whose enthusiastic, gleeful response is, literally, scripted.
In real life, bumbling, awkward speeches that aspire to sweetly salacious and funny are just bumbling and awkward.
The Fourth Kind of Lie
Everyone who has works in a a science- or math-based field has heard the sardonic explanation of the three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics. I would extend that classic list to Lies, Damn Lies, Statistics, and YouTube Video Titles.
Far too many of the wedding toast videos carry labels such as “Funny,” but this seems a venial inaccuracy or perhaps even no more than a matter of differing subjective judgments. Less forgivable are those with titles such as “Best Wedding Speech Ever,” “Wedding Toast (Best Toast Ever!!)”2, “Most Hilarious Wedding Toast,” “Funniest Wedding Speech Of All Time,” and many more of their ilk. The grandiosity is in bad taste and, worse, I was lured into watching some of these catastrophes by those titles, thus sucking away several minutes of my life I’ll never get back.
One putative joke featured in a number of these videos, however, stands out in this hotly contested field as the worst of a bad lot, transcending the question “why would anyone think this is funny?” to the more pertinent query, “why is this allowed to exist?”
The individual giving the toast, invariably a male and usually the best man, typically begins with “A wise man once said/told me/wrote,” which is a tad cliched but nonetheless a serviceable, classic opening. Continuing, the toast-giver reveals that the referenced but anonymous wise man has prescribed that the duration of the toast should be the same length of time consumed when the groom makes love to the bride. The speaker then pauses, utters a phrase signaling that his speech has now concluded (e.g., “Thank you for your attention. Drive carefully on the way home.”), and returns to his seat.
The mirth of this performance apparently lies in the notion that the groom’s lovemaking is completed very quickly, as was the speech.3
Among the many conundrums associated with this toast is the reaction of the audience. They indeed break into laughter, from which I deduce that, at many weddings, there is a significant amount of alcohol consumed prior to the toasts.
The Lessons
The bright side of this fiasco is that, now alerted to this deficit in our culture’s common database of comedic principles, I can, in keeping with the admonition in the Code of the Blogger to enlighten ones fellow (best) man, impart two messages to the populace:
Message #1: Set-up lines can be farfetched but must be at least plausible enough that a listener willing to suspend disbelief can accept the idea that, in this case, a wise man might have said such a thing.
My own effort, Mother Of The Bride Wedding Toast,4 for example, includes this line:
I maintain that one could easily believe that the mythical wise man could have written those words.
If the set-up isn’t plausible, it’s just an excuse for the presumptive punch line. In this case, the “wise man once said” preface is, in reality, no more than the wrappings of a joke that allows one to utter a traditional sexual insult to the groom in the context of a post-wedding reception. At the bachelor party, the same remark, perhaps more crudely captioned, would have been hurled at the groom unadorned.
One could as justifiably have announced, “A wise man once said “Any groom with the middle name of Roscoe has tiny genitals. Ladies and gentlemen, the groom’s middle name is Roscoe.”
Heck, why bother with a setup line? Why not just go with “Ladies and gentlemen, a wise man once said the groom is sexually incompetent?”
Come to think of it, those audiences in the videos might have broken into raucous laughter over that toast as well.
Message #2: For the love of all that is good and pure, don’t use this horrid “Wise man said … groom is sexually inadequate” joke in your wedding speech. Destroy it before it invades the culture further.
This has been a public service announcement from the Heck of a Guy blog.
Footnotes
- See Matrimonial Music Mix Musings ~back~
- I do admire the punctuational balance, the excess of the double exclamation marks being partially offset by the parenthetical embrace ~back~
- One could argue that the joke lies in the fact that the speech and the groom’s supposed sexual powers are both disappointing, but this does not appear to be the intent. ~back~
- The circumstances leading to this joke can be found at Mother Of The Bride Wedding Toast. The full toast itself follows:
As Mother of the Bride, I want to remind my daughter and her husband that, although today’s celebration is the culmination of much effort, prayer, and hope on your part and on the part of your friends and families, a wedding is a beginning, not a conclusion. On the occasion of your marriage, you may well wonder what your lives will look like twenty or thirty or forty years from now.
Let me read you what a wise man once wrote:“You can marry, pursue a career, and raise a family – and after your children are grown with families of their own, your life can be even more spectacular. When you’re mature, love can be more intense, romance can be more fulfilling, and, yes, sex can be incredibly better than when you’re a newlywed.”
I know that this idea may sound too good to be true, but I’m here to tell you that it can indeed happen just that way. After all, I got married, I pursued a career, and I have kids who are now grown and starting families of their own – and sure enough, today I find love more intense, romance more fulfilling, and sex is not just better but altogether fabulous compared to my newlywed days. I’ve never been happier.
Now, I certainly can’t speak for your father about how he feels. But, Who Knows? If it’s been this incredibly wonderful since our divorce for my lover and me, then it’s at least possible that he and his girlfriend are more contented as well.
~back~
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This Just In - Spring
Northern Illinois Weird Weather Alert
We interrupt our regularly scheduled sequence of posts to announce the transformation of the Northern Illinois tundra into the Republic of Kokomo.1
What A Difference A Day Makes - If The Fountain Opens That Day
This Morning
This Afternoon
Footnotes
- That would be the Beach Boys Kokomo, not the Indiana Kokomo. Remember that no one likes a smart ass, even in the Spring ~back~
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Matrimonial Music Mix Musings
- James Brown
- Friedrich Nietzsche
The Bride’s Mama’s Gonna Dance; Her Dad … Well, Hope Springs Eternal
Much of today was spent in the pursuit of the perfect music mix to be played at the impending nuptials of Very Very Good Girl and SportsBizPro1 during the dinner and the band’s breaks. To assist in this effort, I recruited the lovely and dance-obsessed Lady Lawanda, who is not only musically talented but seems to have been in attendance at every wedding held in Illinois and its bordering states during the past decade.
As readers can discern from the photo atop this post, Lady Lawanda and I found it useful as well as refreshing to occasionally take a break to walk through a few simple dance steps in order to capture a feel for how the songs in a particular concatenation flowed from one to another.
As it turns out, the playlists feel pretty darn good.
We now have tentative playlists that should work well as long as the dinner lasts at least 3.22 hours and no more than two days and the band takes two breaks of 93 minutes each. 2
Dance Lessons
As is usually the case when I take on a new task, traversing the learning curve has resulted in new insights into and observations which I share with you now:
1. Witty dinner repartee is highly overrated. The chances of our civilization surviving and advancing could be greatly enhanced if post-nuptial dinners evolved into hushed affairs with each guest quietly and introspectively pondering, in the musical environment created by the playlist, the significance of the ceremonial bonding of two souls just witnessed. Conversations should be restricted to praise for the exquisite content and precisely on the nose sequence of soundtrack which echoes the conjoint psychosexual development of the bride and groom from birth through their individual resolutions of their (also individual) Oedipal/Electra conflict.
2. An exam on the music at the end of the evening wouldn’t be a bad idea - especially if the scores are posted.
3. Just because every wedding mix I’ve composed has included at least one set of spectacularly lewd lyrics, set to a sweetly melodic tune, explicating the mechanics of one or more perverse sexual acts doesn’t necessarily mean that this wedding mix will be enriched with such a specimen. On the other hand, …
4. A wedding reception dance mix with “too much MoTown?” That’s crazy talk.
Footnotes
- See I Knew The Bride When She Used To Rock and Roll Heck, I Knew The Bride When She Sang Her ABCs and Very Very Good Girl and SportsBizPro Appoint Music Maven ~back~
- The songs can, of course, theoretically be aborted at any point - if one disregards the aesthetic integrity of the carefully constructed composite playlist. ~back~