Tag Archives: Parody

While I planned to suspend blogging through Lady Lawanda’s illness, I just received an email which cries out for posting and does require me to operate under a deadline. I’ve copied and pasted it below in all its un-spellchecked glory:

The Threat

The Response

Dear Mr. Benito -

Although I hesitate to criticize a correspondent who is so concerned about my wellbeing, I feel I must offer some advice that I hope you will accept in the constructive spirit in which it is given.

While I am not well versed in the assassination biz, I do take some pride in my use of the written word to communicate effectively. I think you’ll find, for example, that careful spelling and adherence to grammatical standards will result in an altogether more intimidating missive. After all, if the intended victim believes you cannot execute a properly composed email message, how is that marked man to believe you can properly execute him?

As a matter of style, the use of all caps (e.g., “LIVE OR DIE” and “SOMEONE YOU CALL YOUR FRIEND, WANTS YOU DEAD”) is considered, at best, the kind of affectation only a novice emailer would employ. Some may even consider this tactic rude. In any case, the content (i.e., life and death) is where the drama lies in these lines, and shouting them, as it were, only undercuts the impact.

By the way, perhaps I been too influenced by TV and movies, but $12,000 seems an embarrassingly small payoff for my life. I’m a little disappointed that my death is worth less than the price of a used Mazda.

If you are asking $12,000 from me, it seems likely that the payment being offered by my persecutor is in the same range. As a businessman, I’m amazed you can pay for your own time, let alone hire employees (I assume “my boys” are employees, although I suppose they could be subcontractors), working with a gross of only $12,000.

The flip side of the money issue derives from your salutation that begins “SOMEONE YOU CALL YOUR FRIEND.” I call precious few individuals “friend,” and none of those is likely to have an extra $12,000 to throw away just to see me dead. Duke of Derm is paying off his daughter’s wedding, and Lord of Leisure is a retired teacher, for goodness sake. My other friends are in similar straits.

Perhaps you have been misled about the “FRIEND” thing. If, perchance, your contract is with one or both of my children, it is my sad duty as their father to warn you that both are notoriously poor money managers. You should certainly get your cash up front. In any case, don’t fall for the “I’ll pay you once I collect the inheritance” ploy. Besides the fact that every dispersal of any portion of the $11.73 each stands to collect has to be approved by 18 trustees, both of my sons have routinely reneged on similar arrangements (e.g., “I’ll pay you back tomorrow after I get my check from work”) with me.

If your employer is one of my exes, well, you might be in over your head.

I would also advise against disclosing the terms of the threat in your warning notes. Rather than set up the 10 day countdown, for example, you might do well to keep it ambiguous, as in “You won’t know when, you won’t know where, but I will find you and kill you. It might be tomorrow in your own home, it might be a year from now when you’re relaxing on vacation, … but I’m going to get you – because that’s my job and I’m good at my job.” See, isn’t that a bit more coldblooded as well as more frightening and worrisome? And, it offers the extra benefit of flexibility if you and your boys are handling more than one assignment at a time.

I must point out, however, that your insouciantly equivocal offer of “who knows, [for $12,000] I might just spear your life,” even without the confusing, tragicomic  misspelling, is likely to be counterproductive. If you know anything about me at all, you’ll know that I’m not putting out $12,000 (incidentally, can you take a credit card? I get a rebate on my Chase card and that would cut my expenses on this deal) just on the chance that you “might just spear [my] life.” I’ll need more affirmative language in that clause and some kind of warranty. (My accountant suggests that, rather than a lump sum payoff, payments be spread over a three year period which would give me some guarantee that the no-death contract would be honored as well as define an amortization schedule for tax purposes.)

It’s a tiny point, and it might again be the influence of too much TV on my part, but your language and cadences makes the email I received sound like something – and I apologize for the implicit insult – a spammer would send. I was under the impression that your basic murderer would use a tad more jargon. Instead of “$12,000,” one might, for example, use the notation, “12 large.” And using a vocabulary that conjures up violent imagery (rather than variations of the passive “your life is going to end” as your note does) could be very effective in some cases. Even your “Red Bullet Point” corporate name calls to mind PowerPoint slides rather than guns, and, while one could argue that the latter is more deadly, in this context, one would do best to eschew the metaphorical sphere, opting instead for blunt, concrete terminology. In this regard, I recommend reading or watching a couple of David Mamet dramas, paying special attention to the dialog.

Finally, it may be a strategic error to pose to your subjects the existential query of choosing to live or die. That is a decision many of us already approach daily with considerable ambivalence. Tapping into that angst with your message will, at best, delay the response and may even lead to awkward situations in which the so-called victim demands you carry out the threat, relieving him or her of the responsibility, rendering you, in effect, a less sophisticated stand-in for Dr Kevorkian.

I do go on, don’t I? There are many more needed improvements of this sort but since I only have 10 days to live, I know you will understand that I cannot go into much detail. On the other hand, if you are interested, I could put together a comprehensive tutorial for a reasonable fee, which would include the $12,000 payoff you are requesting. In fact, if you can refer a few colleagues in your trade who are interested in such lessons, I am willing to discount my price.

I know this is a lot for you to digest so I’ll end here and give you a chance to respond. We can take up the discussion at this point after you’ve had a chance to ponder all this.

Let me know what you think.

Yours,

DrHGuy

PS As I noted, I’m new to the threatening letter game, but I’m guessing that your name is a pseudonym. If that is the case, I believe you’ll find that the Russian Mob has superseded the Italian Mafia as the most intimidating demographic. The next time, rather than “Anthonio Benito” you might want to try something along the lines of “Ivan Keripaska” or “Oleg Belkov.” This is not a make or break issue, but in negotiations one needs every edge possible.

Update: See my next note to Anthonio et al following my receipt of a call from the Feds: To Anthonio Benito Or Current Addressee