July 17th, 2006 · Comments Off
Today’s Posting Delayed
In response to an unprecedented Heck Of A Guy blogging crisis, today’s regular post will be deferred until this afternoon. In a prepared statement, DrHGuy, the beloved psychiatrist turned raconteur, social critic, and bon vivant, who produces the Heck Of A Guy Blog, explained
Crystal Lake’s initial response to the Gay Games was a snarky blogger’s dream. There was controversy, there were city officials taking ridiculous political stands, there were citizens predicting that their front lawns would be violated by by hell-bound fornicators. Yesterday’s actual performance, however, was a catastrophe - it was, literally, a day in the park. And, who wants to read about that?
The Vision
The Reality
Who Knew?
As it turns out, Gay Games “rowing” was not, as was widely assumed, a euphemism for some kind of kinky, depraved behavior, probably involving large groups of individuals, battery-powered implements, and perhaps farm animals. Apparently, “rowing,” as used in Gay Games Rowing meant “rowing” — propelling a boat with oars.
And who could have predicted that the excitement and flamboyance associated, for example, with the Gay Pride Parade would dissipate into something that resembled — well, a rowing contest. The rowing events were athletic and pretty enough, but watching it was not markedly dissimilar from enduing an afternoon of watching the World Cup soccer championships — without the hooligans. Or the headbutting.
Later
So, it’s gonna take a bit to replace the pre-written copy that was to be today’s post with something that sorta kinda reflects what really happened.
Heck Of A Guy Posts on the Crystal Lake Gay Games Rowing Event
Footnotes
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Tags: Fascinations · Local
July 11th, 2006 · Comments Off
You may recall from these earlier posts,
that some four months ago, following a vigorous, vitriolic public debate, the local Park Board, granted approval for the Rowing event of the Gay Games to be held at Crystal Lake.
And, from most recently published information about Gay Games VII, including this authoritative-looking Gay Games map, it appears that Crystal Lake remains the certified site for these festivities. [Look for the pink circle in the upper left corner. Find it? OK, now look closer inside the circle and you'll see the words, "Crystal Lake" with an arrow pointing off the map -- that's us. You can't miss it.]
In any case, barring scheduling conflicts with family or social obligations (e.g., a surprise visit from Aunt Fern, my audition for first chair alto sax with the Chicago Symphony, the orgy of the week, etc.), I plan to be at the Crystal Lake Gay Games Rowing Course this Sunday, July 16, 2006 for the races. The contests begin at 1 PM, but I hope to arrive early lest I miss any of the depravity predicted by the event’s opponents.
While my knowledge of and experience in competitive rowing (or, come to think of it, non-competitive rowing) is limited to … well, … to absolutely zip, zilch, nada, I will be spending this week in preparation, compiling pertinent potential puns, alluring allusions, and exponential entendres as well as putting in grueling hours viewing marathon sessions of Queer As Folk, The L Word, and Queer Eye For The Straight Guy,
Stay tuned.
Heck Of A Guy Posts on the Crystal Lake Gay Games Rowing Event
Footnotes
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[Read more →]
Tags: Fascinations · Local
April 12th, 2006 · Comments Off
The Chicago Tribune reports that last night the Gay Games Rowing competition (see my original posting on this event here) garnered the final approval needed for the event to take place on Crystal Lake this summer.
Reading the Trib’s report of the Lakewood Village Board’s affirmative vote, I was appalled, aghast, and agog to read that the Village President, Julie Richardson, had responded to an audience member who asked “why a referendum measure on such a ‘big moral issue’ couldn’t have been voted on by residents of the Park District …” with the statement that “This board does not consider this a moral issue.”
Well, that’s just crazy talk. I have personally known two guys who were competitive rowers, and I have significant concerns about the moral values of both. First, doesn’t it seem a little suspicious that 100% of the rowers I’ve known are male – or at least have claimed to be male since birth? What have they done with the women? Further, I have observed both of the rowers with whom I am acquainted swilling down beer, sometimes as much as two cans in the same night. As is well known, beer is a gateway drug to whiskey sours, bourbon and water, crystal meth, and heroin. Even more worrisome is the fact that, after only three years of marriage, the wife of one of these rowers gave birth to a child who much resembles him, raising the all too real possibility that this rower and his wife have committed sexual intercourse at least once within wedlock.
If those actions don’t raise moral concerns, then … well, I just don’t know what.
Besides, both of these rowers were determined, hard-working, disciplined individuals with well toned bodies and substantial self-esteem, and who wants guys like that around here?
Heck Of A Guy Posts on the Crystal Lake Gay Games Rowing Event
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Tags: Fascinations · Local
April 6th, 2006 · Comments Off
The big, final scene of this municipal drama turned out to be anticlimactic.
That’s the good news.
Story Summary:
Our story, the full AP version of which is provided by The Chicago Tribune, opens with a request to use Crystal Lake as the site for the Rowing events of the Gay Games, scheduled to be held in July, 2006.
The fun actually starts on March 2, when the Crystal Lake Park Board, with the Board President absent, voted 2-2
on the proposal, effectively denying the needed permit. A second vote at a March 7 meeting, with the Board President present and attended by over 300 individuals, resulted in a 3-2 vote in favor of granting permission, but only after a four hour raucous debate between opponents of the event, who warned of certain inevitably attendant dangers:
and those supporting the event, who, the AP report notes, “criticized the resistance as discriminatory and hateful.” [Editorial Note: Does "hateful" seem a bit prissy, description-wise, to anyone else? Somehow it calls to mind the kind of comment a 7th grade girl might make when she overhears a classmate criticize her hair more than a point of view in a debate over gay rights.]
By the time the City Council met April 4th to take action, bureaucracy, as it is wont to do, had overcome controversy; consequently, the most heatedly debated issue at that meeting was whether the no-wake provision (which apparently has nothing to do with interrupting ones sleep or with commemorating ones death) should begin at 11 AM or noon. Permission to row, row, and if need be, row ones boat, regardless of sexual preference, was granted.
The Heck Of A Guy Perspective:
Apparently, certain issues have not previously come to light because of lack of hard evidence, a sense of fair play, or considerations of good taste.
Happily, The Heck Of A Guy Blog is oblivious to such constraints.
Sponsorship aside, Rowing itself is a decidedly suspicious sport.
For one thing, it features competitions officially known as Coxless Pairs (confusingly, a coxless boat is also known as a straight boat), Head Races, and Bumps Races.
And, it has to raise ones eyebrow — and not in one of those come-hither gestures — to learn that there are positions called Strokeman and Coxswain, the latter of whom is on board solely to steer, set strategy, and, according to the rules, “provide motivation and encouragement.”
Heck Of A Guy investigative reporters, working on leads from their anonymous source, Incredibly Hot, Deeply Sensual Throat, were the first to unearth the Gaydar Map shown below, which graphically displays the anticipated extension of the dreaded Gay Waves from the point of impact when that first homosexual oar strikes the sacred waters of Crystal Lake.
While it went unreported in the press, a compromise solution was discussed, faltering only when local builders could not commit to completing construction of the closet surrounding the lake by July.
Opponents of the Gay Games may have overlooked the deceptive Gay Games provision that allows participants to be heterosexual, homosexual, or combinations thereof, as long as they are supportive of gay rights, a practice that will bring into this community the stealth gays, who, just because they are straight, may not be detected as gay.
The Chicago Tribune reported that the lone dissenter at the City Council Meeting stated, “I’m against this event, I think it’s a slap in the face.” It is unknown, however, if the slap indicated was a bitch slap or just a regular old slap.
While Gay Games supporters declared that only a few Rowing events would be located in Crystal Lake, this recently leaked map would seem to indicate otherwise.
Most lamentable is the fact that the City Council and many citizens chose to be reasonable about this thing, thus eliminating what could have been an ongoing source of comedy for this blog. I suppose that’s what happens when a spoilsport like Rev. Dan Larson of the Congregational Unitarian Church points out that “Everybody has a right to row their boat.”
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Geopolitical Background:
Crystal Lake (Motto: “Not all that far from Wisconsin”) is the kind of self-styled pastoral paradise where one cannot swing a dead cat without hitting someone bent over, smelling some damn rose. (This is, it seems to me, a compelling argument for stocking up on dead cats.) In these parts, “kinky” is viewed less a matter of taste or even a physiological or psychological variation than a supernatural visitation, not unlike a three headed calf (which, incidentally, will be headlining the local fair this year.) Some time ago, a local paper, in a single edition, discovered and patiently explained to its readers (I kid you not) that Mothers are “God’s handiwork,” that many local kids who are currently seniors will become high school graduates and face either the uncertain job market or the mysteries of college, and, that, of course, Crystal Lake favors slow, careful, controlled housing growth as opposed to the cancerous, hectic, and, yes, careless kind of growth that other towns apparently prefer.
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Heck Of A Guy Posts on the Crystal Lake Gay Games Rowing Event
Footnotes
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Tags: Fascinations · Local
