Tag Archives: SportsBizPro

Prodigal In Spotlight Dance At Wedding Of Very Very Good Girl & SportsBizPro

Dancing With The Star

We just received photos from last year’s Very Very Good Girl – SportsBizPro nuptials.1 From these pictures, it’s clear that Prodigal tripping the light fantastic was an exclusive feature of the post-wedding festivities.

As I responded earlier this morning to Prodigal’s query, “What’s the narrative tale of the blog today,” (yes, he routinely talks like that) the photos are self-explanatory.

Click on photos for best viewing.

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  1. The delay in receiving the photos is due to (1) What the parents of the bride (AKA Duke of Derm and Princess of Peds) euphemistically term – when in public – “problems with the wedding photograpy” and (2) Very Very Good Girl’s self-confessed habitual tardiness (see, for example, Thank You Card Crisis Averted At Last Moment – Republic Saved). She was never at risk of being mistaken for the Runaway Bride. Had she fled the marital vows, her decampment would no doubt have been delayed until the ceremony was complete, which would seem to negate the underlying principle. And, when she did take flight, it would have been as the Amble-away Bride, the Saunter-away Bride, or even the Hesitantly Perambulate-away Bride. []

The Very Very Good Girl – SportsBizPro Nuptial Quiz


The wedding of Very Very Good Girl and SportsBizPro1 took place as planned this weekend. There may well be more discussion of the events, but for tonight I offer one of my favorite scenes from the ceremonies as a pictorial quiz.

In this post-wedding photo of Very Very Good Girl, she is

A. Dancing with exuberance and abandon
B. Shimmying out of her gown with exuberance and abandon
C. Demonstrating the overhead, two-handed throw used to inbound the ball in soccer with exuberance but not so much abandon
D. Posing as the model for a hood ornament
E. Performing the Antler Dance, which she chose for the Bride and Groom First Dance2
F. Completing the toss of the bridal bouquet, causing the assembled unmarried women, ostensibly gathered to catch the flowers, to scatter in terror as though the floral arrangement were a live hand grenade.

  1. See I Knew The Bride When She Used To Rock and Roll Heck, I Knew The Bride When She Sang Her ABCs []
  2. Added 13 May 2008 []

Matrimonial Music Mix Musings

Any problem in the world can be solved by dancing.
– James Brown

I would believe only in a God that knows how to dance.
– Friedrich Nietzsche

The Bride’s Mama’s Gonna Dance; Her Dad … Well, Hope Springs Eternal

Much of today was spent in the pursuit of the perfect music mix to be played at the impending nuptials of Very Very Good Girl and SportsBizPro1 during the dinner and the band’s breaks. To assist in this effort, I recruited the lovely and dance-obsessed Lady Lawanda, who is not only musically talented but seems to have been in attendance at every wedding held in Illinois and its bordering states during the past decade.

As readers can discern from the photo atop this post, Lady Lawanda and I found it useful as well as refreshing to occasionally take a break to walk through a few simple dance steps in order to capture a feel for how the songs in a particular concatenation flowed from one to another.

As it turns out, the playlists feel pretty darn good.

We now have tentative playlists that should work well as long as the dinner lasts at least 3.22 hours and no more than two days and the band takes two breaks of 93 minutes each. 2

Dance Lessons

As is usually the case when I take on a new task, traversing the learning curve has resulted in new insights into and observations which I share with you now:

1. Witty dinner repartee is highly overrated. The chances of our civilization surviving and advancing could be greatly enhanced if post-nuptial dinners evolved into hushed affairs with each guest quietly and introspectively pondering, in the musical environment created by the playlist, the significance of the ceremonial bonding of two souls just witnessed. Conversations should be restricted to praise for the exquisite content and precisely on the nose sequence of soundtrack which echoes the conjoint psychosexual development of the bride and groom from birth through their individual resolutions of their (also individual) Oedipal/Electra conflict.

2. An exam on the music at the end of the evening wouldn’t be a bad idea – especially if the scores are posted.

3. Just because every wedding mix I’ve composed has included at least one set of spectacularly lewd lyrics, set to a sweetly melodic tune, explicating the mechanics of one or more perverse sexual acts doesn’t necessarily mean that this wedding mix will be enriched with such a specimen. On the other hand, …

4. A wedding reception dance mix with “too much MoTown?” That’s crazy talk.

  1. See I Knew The Bride When She Used To Rock and Roll Heck, I Knew The Bride When She Sang Her ABCs and Very Very Good Girl and SportsBizPro Appoint Music Maven []
  2. The songs can, of course, theoretically be aborted at any point – if one disregards the aesthetic integrity of the carefully constructed composite playlist. []

Wedding Music Maven Appointed By Very Very Good Girl and SportsBizPro

In response to last Sunday’s post, Crisis Averted At Last Moment – Republic Saved, Very Very Good Girl had two (very very good) comments (#1 and #2), the latter of which included this request:

Would you be willing to compose some play list to use during the reception1 when the band is taking breaks? Your CV for this task was strong to quite strong, with your annual Hilton Head mixes that get better and better. You could even throw in a Leonard Cohen ditty or two.

I am, of course, flattered to be asked2 and happy to accept this responsibility – although I am simultaneously surprised to learn that this key position at the very3 epicenter of the wedding ceremony-reception-honeymoon experience has somehow gone unfilled until now.4

My assumption of this role has also provided an opportunity to try out Mixwit, an online application that allows one to produce a virtual mix tape. As it turned out, Mixwit’s search function lacks the precision necessary for a practical means of auditioning a batch of wedding reception dance tunes. Nonetheless, I’ve set up a few appropriate songs below not only to provide viewers a bit of entertainment for a Saturday afternoon but also to show off the the display that gets my vote for coolest virtual mix tape player yet.

  1. For those not familiar with the upcoming premier event of the North Carolina spring social season, the “reception” references the impending nuptials of Very Very Good Girl and SportsBizPro to be wed in May. []
  2. I am especially flattered because, my youthful appearance and demeanor notwithstanding, I am actually closer – and this is not a joke – to VVGG’s father’s age than to hers []
  3. In this case, “very very” []
  4. There is a reason that the aphorism, “Upon the skills and cunning of the writer of the play list (the more precise translation of the original Greek into contemporary English is “sacred creator of the music which governs the universe”) for the wedding band’s break depends the continued existence of civilization, the physiological and spiritual development of children everywhere, and the ultimate significance of college basketball at the Division I level” is passed from generation to generation. []

Thank You Card Crisis Averted At Last Moment – Republic Saved

Last Minute

The Secret Threat Now Revealed

In a classic display of brinkmanship, the threat of a seemingly imminent catastrophic rift between the hitherto mutually adoring – and perhaps not incidentally, adorable – Very Very Good Girl (VVGG) and DrHGuy was thwarted just before the covert conflict was to surface as a post on the Heck of a Guy Blog, scandalizing the multitudes who have long viewed VVGG as an avatar of civility, grace, and refinement, a lodestar of all that is decent and, the redundancy notwithstanding, good about this otherwise burdensome mortal coil we call life.

As returning readers may recall from the Heck of a Guy post, It’s (Still) The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year, DrHGuy’s Christmas gifts were, in mid-February, en route to certain blest individuals, including Very Very Good Girl.

Now, as one would expect, Very Very, to use her familiar appellation, has historically been extraordinarily prompt in responding to gifts with Thank You notes, typically lauding the generosity of the giver as well as her appreciation of and need for a complete set of monogrammed lard rendering implements exactly like those she received.

Yet, in this instance, days, then weeks passed with no card, not even a Hallmark-published postal platitude-fest, bearing VVGG’s carefully inscribed signature. DrHGuy’s unease turned to despair when he received a note of gratitude for the same set of Christmas gifts from the father of Very Very Good Girl, the lion hearted Duke of Derm,1 who is, notwithstanding his metaphorically mixed leonine heart of gold and his genuine appreciation of the generosity of friends and family, notoriously dilatory in issuing written Thank You’s – with still no word from the erstwhile prodigy of politesse.

The Ultimate Penalty

Finally, DrHGuy had no choice but to begin the formal due process required to remove one or even both of the “Very’s” long ago earned by and rewarded to VVGG.

Spanish Inquisition Court

DrHGuy assuredly took no personal joy in this turn of events. To the contrary, no one has, through the years, been a more enthusiastic supporter and proponent of Very Very Good Girl. But, the integrity of the Heck of a Guy Very Very Good Girl Global Group Grading Gage & Guidelines demands it. If the populace of this inconstant world ravaged by invisible, nefarious forces cannot trust the HGVVVGGGGGGG, what would replace it as a spiritual and moral touchstone? Anomie would inevitably become universal; governments would be powerless to protect their citizens as chaos and anarchy spread, and families would be rent asunder as legal principles and social mores dissolved. Murder and mayhem would follow with the oppressive rule of fascist leaders backed by force of arms the only alternative.

No, DrHGuy’s own affection for Very Very Good Girl could not take precedence over the survival of mankind – although it turns out to be a surprisingly close call.

While “De-Verycation,” the original name for the process, was adjudged too connotative of condemnatory hopelessness and has subsequently been replaced by the linguistically neutral and politically acceptable term, “Normalization,” this step is clearly no small matter. Consider the consequences of a restaurant losing a star or two in the Michelin Guide described in Chefs fork out to keep their stars shining by Adam Sage in The Times (June 4, 2007):

When the guide demoted Le Violon d’Ingres, a Parisian restaurant, from two stars to one in 2001, its annual turnover fell by 40 per cent, according to Christian Constant, the chef. “In this job, a catastrophe can hit you very quickly,” he said. In 2003, chef Bernard Loiseau committed suicide when it was it was rumoured that his restaurant, La Côte d’Or, was going to lose its maximum three-star rating.

And that was just a couple of snail-serving eateries losing a gold star (which, by the way, DrHGuy earned by the gross in elementary school) awarded in a advertising brochure put out by a tire company.

Michelin Man

Imagine the embarrassment Very Very Good Girl would face were she downsized to merely Very Good Girl or the horrifying shame that would follow were she stripped of both “Very’s” to become no more than a mere Good Girl. How would she handle her upcoming nuptials, walking down an aisle knowing the audience on either side would be aware of her loss of status? Some of the rowdier, self-righteous sorts in attendance would, no doubt, hurl invectives or make rude jokes about her. Would the marriage even come off if she were damaged goods?

Astute readers may now well be thinking, “Hey, isn’t Very Very Good Girl getting married? No wonder she hasn’t sent that Thank You note. Give her a break.” DrHGuy’s response to that argument is to call ones attention to the point that the Thank-Youless gifts in question were Christmas gifts. Consequently, subjugating the completion of a Thank You card for these gifts to the planning of and preparing for her own wedding would, far from attenuating VVGG’s guilt, magnify and intensify it since she would be be, in effect, holding herself and her wedding more important than the birthday of Baby Jesus.

The Easter Miracle

There is, DrHGuy is glad to report, a happy ending. Just as the Heck of a Guy machinery was being put in motion to pronounce judgment on and penalize VVGG, the long awaited Thank You card arrived, belated but gracious as always.

DrHGuy is nothing if not forgiving and, indeed, rejoices that he can now, in good faith, dismantle the tribunal and return VVGG to her rightful place in the elite Double Very Good class.2

  1. To clarify, yes, the Duke of Derm’s full designation is properly “Duke of Derm at Duke” but that term is not only an awkward construct but also forms an unfortunate acronym, the Duke of Derm having little desire to be known as DoDaD. []
  2. In fact, DrHGuy is awarding a special Easter bonus pardon and will not let on that his feelings are hurt by the email received from Very Very last night, which included this declaration.

    Our moment of celebrity came this week when we checked our wedding photographers blog [in regard to their just-taken engagement pictures] and saw our own faces looking back at us!! Needless to say we had to share our famousness with our families.

    “Moment of celebrity?” How soon they forget. Very Very Good Girl and her beau, SportsBizPro, have, after all been featured in posts over the past nine months in another blog – this one, in fact – earning VVGG some small notoriety as THE #1 Very Very Good Girl listed in Google. If all that is forgotten in the excitement of being the focus of a posting on a photographer’s blog – a photographer who, by the bye, charges for her work (and what’s this about engagement pictures?) while DrHGuy offers his humble services as a freebie – well, DrHGuy understands; he understands exactly. Not that DrHGuy minds being taken for granted, of course. He’s used to it. Don’t worry about him. He’ll be just fine. []

Psst, Very Very Good Girl, About That Sex Book I Gave You, …

Heck of a Guy 2007 Christmas Season Update #2:
Averting Untoward Consequences Of A Christmas Present

Or Can This Marriage Bridegroom Be Saved?

My sugar plum envisioning – chestnut roasting – city sidewalking holiday reverie was recently interrupted by the arrival of the official SportsBizPro – Very Very Good Girl Wedding Save The Date Magnet.1

This intersection of events naturally directed my thoughts toward the topic of my longstanding avuncular relationship with Very Very Good Girl (VVGG), which, as I pointed out in Wedding Rules #7 – #13, has resulted in my current role as Avuncle of the Bride2.

DrHGuy suited up in classic Avuncle Of The Bride attire

The Gift

It was, in fact, the recall of a specific gift I sent to Very Very Good Girl one recent Christmas that occasioned this post. I had determined to purchase a Christmas present that would afford VVGG edification and enlightenment. Having ascertained that she already owned a Bible, I chose the slightly less sacred educational volume, Dr Tatiana’s Sex Advice to All Creation by Olivia Judson.

Gratifyingly, the gift proved a tremendous success. Throughout her family’s holiday, in fact, Very Very Good Girl would frequently read aloud to her parents and sibling about one or another copulatory methodology, lending to their Christmas celebration that year a special, uniquely physiological and altogether salutary aspect for which I immodestly claim partial credit.

Now, however, that VVGG is eagerly anticipating marriage and, one assumes, commensurate carnal consummation, qualms and misgivings arise.

What if Dr Tatiana’s Sex Advice to All Creation, nicknamed by some critics, “The Illustrated All Creatures Kama Sutra,” has been her exclusive source of information about procreation?

The problem, you see, is that the book is filled with descriptions of problematic sexual behaviors, including

  • A mite who copulates with all his sisters while he’s still in his mother’s womb
  • A hermaphrodite slug that sometimes emasculates itself by eating its own penis
  • A stick-insect whose copulation lasts for 10 weeks
  • Male and female orangutans who masturbate with sex toys made from leaves and twigs
  • A male scorpion who whacks his partner several times before racing off

The most disconcerting content, however, is the book’s observation that females in more than 80 species, each of whom seem to have found a place in the pages of this volume, eat their lovers before, during, or after sex.

Unless Very Very Good Girl has augmented her education about the use and functions of the human reproductive system, her wedding night could prove hugely disappointing – or terribly messy.

And those The Gift of the Magi folks thought they had a problem.

It’s Avuncle DrHGuy To The Rescue

With the reputation of Very Very Good Girl at stake (given that devouring ones first husband is not something typically advertised as a plus on Match.com, finding that next mate could be difficult) and SportsBizPro at risk for a certain, non-trivial degree of awkwardness, I could hardly stand idly by, hoping that somehow, somewhere Very Very Good Girl had picked up a workable skill set and attitude with respect to matters sexual.

But how could I empathetically communicate the problem (i.e., explain that carnal consummation and coital consumption don’t go together like, say, love and marriage and a horse and carriage) to her in an clear, appropriately dignified manner?

Deferring the conversation until we could hold a Hilton Head Heart to Heart would have been ideal but since the vacation date would be a month after the wedding, the timing was suboptimal. And a telephone call about a matter like this just didn’t feel right.

The solution became apparent when I realized I hadn’t completed a Heck of a Guy post today.

So, here’s the message:

Very Very Good Girl -

How are you? Fine I hope.

By the way, after you marry SportsBizPro and complete sexual congress with him, whatever you do, don’t bite his head off.

If it’s not clear to you why that could be a problem, give me a call.

Also, the thing about the guy reaching climax and exploding as his genitals are ripped from his body with a hideous snap to be retained by the female? Well, regardless of what you might have thought I told you about my first marriage, this kind of thing is pretty much limited to bees and hardly ever happens with humans. Sure, it might sound like fun but who do you think is going to clean up that mess? And what can you legitimately expect in the way of an encore?

Otherwise, there’s not much going on here except a bit of snow. I hope you’re doing well and that you’re still enjoying your work.

Avuncularly Yours,

DrHGuy

Yep, that should do it. I feel better already.

The Good News

As if in compensation for the Devouring ones mate as a point-coital snack issue, I discovered that our very own Very Very Good Girl is, as far as Google is concerned, the #1 Very Very Good Girl.3

A web search this morning for Very Very Good Girl showed the top two hits4 to be from 1HeckofaGuy.com:

The image search for “Very Very Good Girl” provides similarly gratifying results.5

  1. Very Very Good Girl, previously known as She For Whom No Man Is Good Enough, is the daughter of Duke of Derm and Princess of Peds as well as sister of Lt At 14. Unsurprisingly, she spends her days uplifting the downtrodden, caring for the unlovable, and performing similar miracles as a hospital social worker. SportsBizPro, the prospective groom, is a dedicated laborer in the field of sports accoutrements, assuring that the 7-17 year old soccer players of the Northeast United States are attired and shod in equipment that is both conducive to effective play and spiffy in appearance. He has, I am informed by usually reliable sources, parents. Moreover,these parents seem to be the kind of individuals possess all manner of stellar qualities, yet they lack proper blogonyms and are consequently only perceptible in these posts as specters with the thus far unrealized potential for transforming into well rounded caricatures in this narrative. The impending nuptials have been noted in previous posts, beginning with I Knew The Bride When She Used To Rock and Roll – Heck, I Knew The Bride When She Sang Her ABCs.

    Very Very Good Girl and SportsBizPro have a dandy wedding web site with a spin-off, SportsBizPro’s Wedding Blog, which has as its sole negative the length of time between posts, the author apparently assigning a lower priority to blogging than to making a living, preparing for the wedding, having a life, and such. []

  2. After the ceremony is completed of course, DrHGuy will also be SportsBizPro’s Avuncle In Law []
  3. Technically, I suppose, this makes “Very Very Good Girl” “Very Very Goodest Girl” []
  4. Google routinely shows no more than two hits from a single URL in the non-exhaustive listings []
  5. The image search without the quotes around Very Very Good Girl displays the same two Heck of a Guy photos in the #3 and #4 slots of the top sequence. The #1 and #2 images are photos of a small child, about whom even the Scrooge-like DrHGuy could not muster a complaint. []