October 9th, 2007 · 1 Comment
DrHGuy Explains All
- DrHGuy in Avuncle Of The Bride attire
Before today’s main event, the continuation of yesterday’s Wedding Rules #2 - #6, DrHGuy, in keeping with the principles of full disclosure, herewith attests to a longstanding avuncular relationship with Very Very Good Girl, who is to be wed next summer to SportsBizPro. Consequently, DrHGuy’s role in the wedding is, obviously, that of Avuncle of the Bride.
And, in fact, DrHGuy has already begun fulfilling the traditional duties of Avuncle of the Bride, serving, for example, as official Wedding Save The Date Magnet Image Photoshopper and dispensing advice his avuncee is, it can be safely said, unlikely to find elsewhere, which brings us back to the recitation of …
The Wedding Rules
7. The morning of the wedding is not the time for the bride or groom to reveal that unusual biological trait or physical anomaly. If you’ve kept the need to shave your back twice daily or that extra nipple on your inner thigh a secret until now, another 24 hours shouldn’t be a problem.
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Note: While the earlier rules were keyed to the pre-wedding
period, the next admonitions deal with the ceremony itself.
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8. It’s wise to seek the counsel of the officiating clergy before committing oneself to wedding vows that include any of the following phrases:
- love you until death do us part or as long as I can, whichever comes first
- as long as you don’t keep bitching about it
- I refuse to answer on the grounds that it might.
- we might as well
- besides, if it doesn’t work out
- after all, two out of three ain’t bad
- I can explain
- just a figure of speech
- years from now, this is something we’ll all laugh about
- hey, we’re all grownups here, right?
- double or nothing
- stays in Vegas
Also risky are vows in limerick format, vows marked by heavy use of the subjunctive and spiked with conditional clauses, vows that incorporate bathroom graffiti or letters to Penthouse Forum, vows with footnotes, and vows that reference Monty Python, National Lampoon, or Heck of a Guy blog.
And, while inviting business associates and clients to the wedding is often acceptable, product placements during the exchange of vows or the reception dinner are probably over the top.
9. Be wary of wedding plans that require trampolines, personal injury waivers, clown makeup and costumes, unapproved uses of prescription drugs, or troops of acrobats, midgets, or acrobatic midgets.
10. Choosing ones lawyer as a groomsman is acceptable; conferring with ones lawyer prior to responding to questions which begin, “Do you take this woman …” is tacky.
11. The shrewd groom will abstain from repeatedly checking his watch during the ceremony itself - even at the risk of missing the tip-off of the Duke basketball game. Likewise, punching notes into ones Blackberry is best deferred until after the the recessional.
12. Grooms and groomsmen should be aware that checking out any woman other than the bride is likely to trigger a severely deleterious and especially unpleasant sequence of events. Further, in most weddings not held in a fraternity house or tavern, checking out the bride should be accomplished with a modicum of respect. Overt leering, lascivious asides, hoots, and remarks equivalent to “Got to get me some of that” are typically better left unspoken during the ceremony itself. In the reception line, telling the bride, “You are lovely today” is preferable to “I want to bury my face in your cleavage.”
13. Yes, they make erotic wedding cakes, and yes, having one at your wedding would be hilarious, and yes, DrHGuy can even attest that some of them taste good - it’s the good taste part that’s worrisome. Selecting even the traditional dark & deep vagina cake, which is one of the least provocative erotic cakes available, requires a careful review of the guest list and, if one has any fantasies of spending Thanksgiving with the folks, signoffs from the parents of the bride and groom - when the parents are sober. Also, be meticulous about the design. A straight couple choosing, say, the Bisexual Orgy Orange Cake With Fetish Frosting may send the wrong message to others in the wedding party.
Footnotes
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Tags: Bagatelles
October 8th, 2007 · Comments Off
3 Of 4 Consecutive Heck of a Guy Posts Focused On Coupling - Trend Declared
Displayed above is the proposed Very Very Good Girl-SportsBizPro version of the new McHenry County Seal
Another SportsBizPro-Inspired Heck of a Guy Post
From time to time, DrHGuy checks SportsBizPro’s Wedding Blog, the one and only genuine, authentic, 100% sanctified account of the official pre-wedding events pertinent to the impending nuptials of Very Very Good Girl and SportsBizPro not only to assure himself that their Connubial Bliss Express is running on schedule but also to maintain his awareness of just what it is that the young folks are about these days.
And if DrHGuy appropriates an idea for a posting, well, that’s just a bonus.
Wedding Rule #1
It was SportsBizPro’s most recent post, Wedding Rule #1 that caught DrHGuy’s eye. The text is excerpted below:
Neither Anna nor I are as active as we want to be, but both of us do play in separate soccer leagues during the fall and spring. For those of you who don’t like, play or watch soccer, it’s more of a “contact” sport then it gets credit for in mainstream American media…and because of this after a game, you can really come out bruised and broken. (Those of you who have played soccer with Anna probably know where this is going). Anna bruises like a freakin’ peach and because of this we have implemented:
WEDDING RULE #1
Soccer will not be played for 1 month leading up to the wedding to avoid bruises on the arms legs and face.
The face part was added to the rule today because of a little elbow I took while playing on Thursday night. The bruise is really coming in nicely 36 hours after the incident. If it gets any worse, I’ll definitely update the picture, but I wanted to capture proof of my semi black eye. Could you imagine if Anna or I had a freakin’ black eye on our wedding day?!? Our mothers wouldn’t be crying tears of joy, that’s for sure.
While one might quibble over the idiosyncratic punctuation and the lexical fascination with “freakin’,” both of which are readily attributable to youthful exuberance, this is a particularly insightful and useful injunction with respect to wedding plans, sparking hope in DrHGuy’s heart that there are those in the younger generation with the grit, determination, and properly aligned priorities to perpetuate the principles he holds dear.
In that spirit, DrHGuy, a veteran of two weddings, one of which was successful, and an observer of many more such ceremonies, offers a few additional guidelines for those perilous times just prior to the ceremony.
Wedding Rule #2
2. Let’s begin with an recommendation with special significance for DrHGuy. To the legitimate concern about soccer injuries, add this admonition: do not fracture a hip within two months of the wedding. Clearly no wedding gown is cut to coordinate with a walker, and the assurances of the salesmen at Men’s Wearhouse notwithstanding, even a fancy cummerbund won’t be sufficient to distract the eye.
This rule comes with corollaries:
2A. If it’s possible you have foolishly fractured a hip already, avoid doctors.
2B. Failing that, do not have a hip x-ray done.
3. Carefully check wedding gifts for danger. You have probably seen the headlines about Chinese made toys being recalled because of lead paint and other problems. While one could trust that friends and family would buy sex toys made in America as gifts for the bride and groom (who, one hopes, have registered their preferences at one of the fine all American emporiums of bedroom accoutrements), the wiser course, especially given obvious discomfort toxic toys could cause, is inspection before insertion.
Incidentally, for the month or two prior to the wedding, it is prudent to substitute rope or leather restraints, which can as a last resort be removed by cutting, for handcuffs which are considerably more resistant. Further - and trust me on this - the police have heard all the alibis and will know exactly how the groom came to be dressed in the honeymoon lingerie with his wrists handcuffed behind his back regardless of the well rehearsed and sincerely related lies you tell them.
4. Converting to a religion that worships a six-headed goddess who devours her children or a potato with an uncanny resemblance to Elvis Presley during his Las Vegas phase is forbidden during the 3 months just prior to the wedding.
5. Those familiar with DrHGuy’s philosophy may have adopted his fallback protocol - when catastrophe portends and escape from the current situation is essential for social survival, fake a seize. If one is, however, either the bride or groom a wedding is, alas, not an appropriate arena for such desperate measures. Yet, as one might imagine, a wedding might engender any number of scenarios that might make such an out notably desirable. The answer is, of course, a designated seizure-faker. A well-chosen Best Man is often the optimal choice.
6. The groom who harbors hopes for a long and happy marriage is well-advised to avoid making suggestions such as attiring the bridesmaids as French maids, regardless of how freakin’ hot that would be.
In conversations with his bride or the bride’s family, the wise groom also eschews scenarios in which the bridesmaids are clad in denim cutoffs and halter tops; matching pink panties, bras, and 5 inch spike heels; a single strategically placed bridesmaid’s bouquet; or any apparel constructed from leather.
While we’re on the topic of traditonal ceremonies, grooms with a perspective extending beyond the next weekend will forgo promoting such innovations as transforming the rehearsal dinner or the wedding reception into a tailgate party or a kegger.
Here’s a handy rule of thumb, any wedding suggestion that would be introduced with “Technically, it wouldn’t be illegal to … ” is a wedding suggestion one should repress immediately.
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More Wedding Rules to follow.
Footnotes
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Tags: Bagatelles · Self-Referential
