Tag Archives: Weddings

The Very Very Good Girl – SportsBizPro Nuptial Quiz


The wedding of Very Very Good Girl and SportsBizPro1 took place as planned this weekend. There may well be more discussion of the events, but for tonight I offer one of my favorite scenes from the ceremonies as a pictorial quiz.

In this post-wedding photo of Very Very Good Girl, she is

A. Dancing with exuberance and abandon
B. Shimmying out of her gown with exuberance and abandon
C. Demonstrating the overhead, two-handed throw used to inbound the ball in soccer with exuberance but not so much abandon
D. Posing as the model for a hood ornament
E. Performing the Antler Dance, which she chose for the Bride and Groom First Dance2
F. Completing the toss of the bridal bouquet, causing the assembled unmarried women, ostensibly gathered to catch the flowers, to scatter in terror as though the floral arrangement were a live hand grenade.

  1. See I Knew The Bride When She Used To Rock and Roll Heck, I Knew The Bride When She Sang Her ABCs []
  2. Added 13 May 2008 []

Wedding Music Maven Appointed By Very Very Good Girl and SportsBizPro

In response to last Sunday’s post, Crisis Averted At Last Moment – Republic Saved, Very Very Good Girl had two (very very good) comments (#1 and #2), the latter of which included this request:

Would you be willing to compose some play list to use during the reception1 when the band is taking breaks? Your CV for this task was strong to quite strong, with your annual Hilton Head mixes that get better and better. You could even throw in a Leonard Cohen ditty or two.

I am, of course, flattered to be asked2 and happy to accept this responsibility – although I am simultaneously surprised to learn that this key position at the very3 epicenter of the wedding ceremony-reception-honeymoon experience has somehow gone unfilled until now.4

My assumption of this role has also provided an opportunity to try out Mixwit, an online application that allows one to produce a virtual mix tape. As it turned out, Mixwit’s search function lacks the precision necessary for a practical means of auditioning a batch of wedding reception dance tunes. Nonetheless, I’ve set up a few appropriate songs below not only to provide viewers a bit of entertainment for a Saturday afternoon but also to show off the the display that gets my vote for coolest virtual mix tape player yet.

  1. For those not familiar with the upcoming premier event of the North Carolina spring social season, the “reception” references the impending nuptials of Very Very Good Girl and SportsBizPro to be wed in May. []
  2. I am especially flattered because, my youthful appearance and demeanor notwithstanding, I am actually closer – and this is not a joke – to VVGG’s father’s age than to hers []
  3. In this case, “very very” []
  4. There is a reason that the aphorism, “Upon the skills and cunning of the writer of the play list (the more precise translation of the original Greek into contemporary English is “sacred creator of the music which governs the universe”) for the wedding band’s break depends the continued existence of civilization, the physiological and spiritual development of children everywhere, and the ultimate significance of college basketball at the Division I level” is passed from generation to generation. []

Psst, Very Very Good Girl, About That Sex Book I Gave You, …

Heck of a Guy 2007 Christmas Season Update #2:
Averting Untoward Consequences Of A Christmas Present

Or Can This Marriage Bridegroom Be Saved?

My sugar plum envisioning – chestnut roasting – city sidewalking holiday reverie was recently interrupted by the arrival of the official SportsBizPro – Very Very Good Girl Wedding Save The Date Magnet.1

This intersection of events naturally directed my thoughts toward the topic of my longstanding avuncular relationship with Very Very Good Girl (VVGG), which, as I pointed out in Wedding Rules #7 – #13, has resulted in my current role as Avuncle of the Bride2.

DrHGuy suited up in classic Avuncle Of The Bride attire

The Gift

It was, in fact, the recall of a specific gift I sent to Very Very Good Girl one recent Christmas that occasioned this post. I had determined to purchase a Christmas present that would afford VVGG edification and enlightenment. Having ascertained that she already owned a Bible, I chose the slightly less sacred educational volume, Dr Tatiana’s Sex Advice to All Creation by Olivia Judson.

Gratifyingly, the gift proved a tremendous success. Throughout her family’s holiday, in fact, Very Very Good Girl would frequently read aloud to her parents and sibling about one or another copulatory methodology, lending to their Christmas celebration that year a special, uniquely physiological and altogether salutary aspect for which I immodestly claim partial credit.

Now, however, that VVGG is eagerly anticipating marriage and, one assumes, commensurate carnal consummation, qualms and misgivings arise.

What if Dr Tatiana’s Sex Advice to All Creation, nicknamed by some critics, “The Illustrated All Creatures Kama Sutra,” has been her exclusive source of information about procreation?

The problem, you see, is that the book is filled with descriptions of problematic sexual behaviors, including

  • A mite who copulates with all his sisters while he’s still in his mother’s womb
  • A hermaphrodite slug that sometimes emasculates itself by eating its own penis
  • A stick-insect whose copulation lasts for 10 weeks
  • Male and female orangutans who masturbate with sex toys made from leaves and twigs
  • A male scorpion who whacks his partner several times before racing off

The most disconcerting content, however, is the book’s observation that females in more than 80 species, each of whom seem to have found a place in the pages of this volume, eat their lovers before, during, or after sex.

Unless Very Very Good Girl has augmented her education about the use and functions of the human reproductive system, her wedding night could prove hugely disappointing – or terribly messy.

And those The Gift of the Magi folks thought they had a problem.

It’s Avuncle DrHGuy To The Rescue

With the reputation of Very Very Good Girl at stake (given that devouring ones first husband is not something typically advertised as a plus on Match.com, finding that next mate could be difficult) and SportsBizPro at risk for a certain, non-trivial degree of awkwardness, I could hardly stand idly by, hoping that somehow, somewhere Very Very Good Girl had picked up a workable skill set and attitude with respect to matters sexual.

But how could I empathetically communicate the problem (i.e., explain that carnal consummation and coital consumption don’t go together like, say, love and marriage and a horse and carriage) to her in an clear, appropriately dignified manner?

Deferring the conversation until we could hold a Hilton Head Heart to Heart would have been ideal but since the vacation date would be a month after the wedding, the timing was suboptimal. And a telephone call about a matter like this just didn’t feel right.

The solution became apparent when I realized I hadn’t completed a Heck of a Guy post today.

So, here’s the message:

Very Very Good Girl -

How are you? Fine I hope.

By the way, after you marry SportsBizPro and complete sexual congress with him, whatever you do, don’t bite his head off.

If it’s not clear to you why that could be a problem, give me a call.

Also, the thing about the guy reaching climax and exploding as his genitals are ripped from his body with a hideous snap to be retained by the female? Well, regardless of what you might have thought I told you about my first marriage, this kind of thing is pretty much limited to bees and hardly ever happens with humans. Sure, it might sound like fun but who do you think is going to clean up that mess? And what can you legitimately expect in the way of an encore?

Otherwise, there’s not much going on here except a bit of snow. I hope you’re doing well and that you’re still enjoying your work.

Avuncularly Yours,

DrHGuy

Yep, that should do it. I feel better already.

The Good News

As if in compensation for the Devouring ones mate as a point-coital snack issue, I discovered that our very own Very Very Good Girl is, as far as Google is concerned, the #1 Very Very Good Girl.3

A web search this morning for Very Very Good Girl showed the top two hits4 to be from 1HeckofaGuy.com:

The image search for “Very Very Good Girl” provides similarly gratifying results.5

  1. Very Very Good Girl, previously known as She For Whom No Man Is Good Enough, is the daughter of Duke of Derm and Princess of Peds as well as sister of Lt At 14. Unsurprisingly, she spends her days uplifting the downtrodden, caring for the unlovable, and performing similar miracles as a hospital social worker. SportsBizPro, the prospective groom, is a dedicated laborer in the field of sports accoutrements, assuring that the 7-17 year old soccer players of the Northeast United States are attired and shod in equipment that is both conducive to effective play and spiffy in appearance. He has, I am informed by usually reliable sources, parents. Moreover,these parents seem to be the kind of individuals possess all manner of stellar qualities, yet they lack proper blogonyms and are consequently only perceptible in these posts as specters with the thus far unrealized potential for transforming into well rounded caricatures in this narrative. The impending nuptials have been noted in previous posts, beginning with I Knew The Bride When She Used To Rock and Roll – Heck, I Knew The Bride When She Sang Her ABCs.

    Very Very Good Girl and SportsBizPro have a dandy wedding web site with a spin-off, SportsBizPro’s Wedding Blog, which has as its sole negative the length of time between posts, the author apparently assigning a lower priority to blogging than to making a living, preparing for the wedding, having a life, and such. []

  2. After the ceremony is completed of course, DrHGuy will also be SportsBizPro’s Avuncle In Law []
  3. Technically, I suppose, this makes “Very Very Good Girl” “Very Very Goodest Girl” []
  4. Google routinely shows no more than two hits from a single URL in the non-exhaustive listings []
  5. The image search without the quotes around Very Very Good Girl displays the same two Heck of a Guy photos in the #3 and #4 slots of the top sequence. The #1 and #2 images are photos of a small child, about whom even the Scrooge-like DrHGuy could not muster a complaint. []

Essential, Secret Wedding Rules – Part 2

DrHGuy in Avuncle Of The Bride attire

DrHGuy Explains All

Before today’s main event, the continuation of yesterday’s Essential Wedding Rules No One Else Will Tell You, DrHGuy, in keeping with the principles of full disclosure, herewith attests to a longstanding avuncular relationship with Very Very Good Girl, who is to be wed next summer to SportsBizPro. Consequently, DrHGuy’s role in the wedding is, obviously, that of Avuncle of the Bride1.

And, in fact, DrHGuy has already begun fulfilling the traditional duties of Avuncle of the Bride, serving, for example, as official Wedding Save The Date Magnet Image Photoshopper and dispensing advice his avuncee is, it can be safely surmised, unlikely to find elsewhere. Consequently, we continue with the recitation of …

Essential Wedding Rules No One Else Will Tell You

Wedding Rule #7. The morning of the wedding is not the time for the bride or groom to reveal that unusual biological trait or physical anomaly.

If you’ve kept the need to shave your back twice daily or that extra nipple on your inner thigh a secret until now, another 24 hours shouldn’t be a problem.

Wedding Rule #8. Creativity is better applied to the Wedding Night than the Wedding Vows.

It’s wise to seek the counsel of the officiating clergy before committing oneself to wedding vows that include any of the following phrases:

  • … love you until death do us part or as long as I can – whatever
  • I refuse to answer on the grounds that it might …
  • We might as well
  • Besides, if it doesn’t work out
  • … as long as you don’t keep bitching about it
  • After all, two out of three ain’t bad
  • I can explain
  • … just a figure of speech
  • Years from now, this is something we’ll all laugh about
  • Hey, we’re all grownups here, right?
  • … double or nothing
  • … stays in Vegas

Also risky are vows in limerick format, vows marked by heavy use of the subjunctive and spiked with conditional clauses, vows that incorporate bathroom graffiti or letters to the Penthouse Forum, vows with footnotes,2 and vows that reference Monty Python, National Lampoon, or Heck of a Guy blog.

And, while inviting business associates and clients to the wedding is often acceptable, product placements during the exchange of vows or the reception dinner are probably over the top.

weddingcoke

Wedding Rule #9. Be wary of wedding plans that require trampolines, personal injury waivers, clown makeup and costumes, unapproved uses of prescription drugs, or troops of acrobats, midgets, or acrobatic midgets.

Wedding Rule #10. Choosing ones lawyer as a groomsman is acceptable; conferring with ones lawyer prior to responding to questions which begin, “Do you take this woman …” is tacky.

Wedding Rule #11. The shrewd groom will abstain from repeatedly checking his watch during the ceremony itself – even at the risk of missing the tip-off of the Duke basketball game.3

Likewise, punching notes into ones Blackberry is best deferred until after the the recessional.

Wedding Rule #12. Grooms and groomsmen should be aware that checking out any woman other than the bride is likely to trigger a severely deleterious and especially unpleasant sequence of events.

Further, in most weddings not held in a fraternity house or tavern, checking out the bride should be accomplished with a modicum of respect. Overt leering, lascivious asides, hoots, and remarks equivalent to “Got to get me some of that” are typically better left unspoken during the ceremony itself. In the reception line, telling the bride “You look especially lovely today” is preferable to “I want to bury my face betwixt your magnificent bosoms.”

Incidentally, the reception line following the wedding of an ex-sweetheart to someone else is almost never the optimal setting for recounting shared sexual adventures or bedroom preferences, even if that information could have a positive impact on the honeymoon.

Wedding Rule #13. Yes, they make erotic wedding cakes, and yes, having one at your wedding would be hilarious, and yes, DrHGuy can even attest that some of them taste good – it’s the good taste part that’s worrisome.

Serving even the traditional Dark & Deep Vagina Cake, which is one of the least provocative erotic cakes available, requires a careful review of the guest list and, if one has any fantasies of spending Thanksgiving with the folks, signoffs from the parents of the bride and groom – when the parents are sober.

Also, be meticulous about the design. A straight couple choosing, say, the Bisexual Orgy Orange Cake With Fetish Frosting may send the wrong message to others in the wedding party.



  1. After the ceremony is completed of course, DrHGuy will also be SportsBizPro’s Avuncle In Law []
  2. This is a footnote. Footnotes are good in blog posts but bad in wedding vows. []
  3. This problem can be obviated by assuring that Coach K will be present for the services. []

Essential Wedding Rules No One Else Will Tell You

DrHGuy in Avuncle Of The Bride attire

Avuncular Wedding Advice From The Avuncle Of The Bride

From time to time, DrHGuy, AKA The Avuncle Of The Bride, checks SportsBizPro’s Wedding Blog, the one and only genuine, authentic, 100% sanctified account of the official pre-wedding events pertinent to the impending nuptials of Very Very Good Girl1 and SportsBizPro2 not only to assure himself that their Connubial Bliss Express is running on schedule3 but also to maintain his awareness of just what it is that the young folks are about these days.

Wedding Rule #1 – Limit risk of pre-wedding facial bruising.

It was SportsBizPro’s most recent post, Wedding Rule #1 that caught DrHGuy’s eye. The text is excerpted below:

Neither Anna nor I are as active as we want to be, but both of us do play in separate soccer leagues during the fall and spring. For those of you who don’t like, play or watch soccer, it’s more of a “contact” sport then it gets credit for in mainstream American media…and because of this after a game, you can really come out bruised and broken. (Those of you who have played soccer with Anna probably know where this is going). Anna bruises like a freakin’ peach and because of this we have implemented:

WEDDING RULE #1
Soccer will not be played for 1 month leading up to the wedding to avoid bruises on the arms legs and face.

The face part was added to the rule today because of a little elbow I took while playing on Thursday night. The bruise is really coming in nicely 36 hours after the incident. If it gets any worse, I’ll definitely update the picture, but I wanted to capture proof of my semi black eye. Could you imagine if Anna or I had a freakin’ black eye on our wedding day?!? Our mothers wouldn’t be crying tears of joy, that’s for sure.

While one might quibble over the idiosyncratic punctuation and the lexical fascination with “freakin’,” both of which are readily attributable to youthful exuberance, this is a particularly insightful and useful injunction with respect to wedding plans, sparking hope in DrHGuy’s heart that there are those in the younger generation with the grit, determination, and properly aligned priorities to perpetuate the principles he holds dear.

In that spirit, DrHGuy, a veteran of two weddings, one of which was successful, and an observer of many more such ceremonies, offers a few additional guidelines for those perilous times just prior to the ceremony.

Wedding Rule #2. Avoid being immobilized.

Let’s begin with an recommendation with special significance for DrHGuy. To the legitimate concern about soccer injuries, add this admonition: do not fracture a hip within two months of the wedding. Clearly no wedding gown is cut to coordinate with a walker, and the assurances of the salesmen at Men’s Wearhouse notwithstanding, even a fancy cummerbund won’t be sufficient to distract the eye.

This rule comes with corollaries:
2A. If it’s possible you have foolishly fractured a hip already, avoid doctors.
2B. Failing that, by all means avoid undergoing a hip x-ray.4

Wedding Rule #3. Carefully check wedding gifts for danger.

You have probably seen the headlines about Chinese made toys being recalled because of lead paint and other problems. While one could trust that friends and family would buy sex toys made in America as gifts for the bride and groom (who, one hopes, have registered their preferences at one of the fine all American emporiums of bedroom accouterments), the wiser course, especially given obvious discomfort toxic toys could cause, is inspection before insertion.

Incidentally, for the month or two prior to the wedding, it is prudent to substitute rope or leather restraints, which can as a last resort be removed by cutting, for handcuffs which are considerably more resistant. Further – and trust me on this – the police have heard all the alibis and will know exactly how the groom came to be dressed in the honeymoon lingerie with his wrists handcuffed behind his back regardless of the well rehearsed and sincerely related lies you tell them.

Wedding Rule #4. Converting to a religion that worships a six-headed goddess who devours her children or a potato with an uncanny resemblance to Elvis Presley during his Las Vegas phase is forbidden during the 3 months just prior to the wedding.

Wedding Rule #5. When catastrophe portends and escape from the current situation is essential for social survival, fake a seizure.

If one is, however, either the bride or groom a wedding is, alas, not an appropriate arena for such desperate measures. Yet, as one might imagine, a wedding might engender any number of scenarios that might make such an out notably desirable. The answer is, of course, a designated seizure-faker. A well-chosen Best Man is often the optimal choice.

Wedding Rule #6. The groom who harbors hopes for a long and happy marriage is well-advised to avoid making suggestions such as attiring the bridesmaids in French maid uniforms, regardless of how freakin’ hot that would be.

If he values his relations with his bride or the bride’s family, the wise groom also eschews scenarios in which the bridesmaids are clad in denim cutoffs and halter tops; matching pink panties, bras, and 5 inch spike heels; a single strategically placed bridesmaid’s bouquet; or any apparel constructed from leather.

While we’re on the topic of traditional ceremonies, grooms with a perspective extending beyond the next weekend will forgo promoting such innovations as transforming the rehearsal dinner or the wedding reception into a tailgate party or a kegger.

Here’s a handy rule of thumb:

A wedding suggestion beginning with “Technically, it wouldn’t be illegal to … ” is a wedding suggestion one should repress immediately.


Very Very Good Girl-SportsBizPro County Seal Proposal

end3

Essential Wedding Rules continue in next post

  1. Very Very Good Girl is the daughter of Duke of Derm and Princess of Peds as well as sister of Lt At 14 and was first introduced to this audience as the victim of her parents’ scam to take credit for her photography []
  2. SportsBizPro, who, as his blogonym suggests, works in the field of sports accouterments and seems a decent sort although Very Very Good Girl has known him only since the 9th grade and, more to the point, DrHGuy has been aware of his existence only the last two or three years, which places him squarely within the probationary period. []
  3. The Heck of a Guy announcement of the engagement and the Le Mans start of wedding planning can be found at I Knew The Bride When She Used To Rock and Roll Heck, I Knew The Bride When She Sang Her ABCs []
  4. For the six weeks before the hip x-ray was done, the pain in DrHGuy’s leg was a muscle pull. Within a moment of the unveiling of that hip x-ray, DrHGuy’s pulled muscle vanished, only to be replaced by a fractured femur. Without x-ray – muscle pull; With x-ray – broken hip. You do the math. []

Wedding Announcements Made Unique

Another Exclusive DrHGuy Wedding Fix

The Unique Wedding – Same Old Announcement Conundrum

While the desire for a unique wedding has become almost universal among prospective brides and grooms these days, those same nearly-weds appear placidly satisfied with publicly published announcements of those weddings and the engagements that precede them that are tired cookie-cutter versions of the same old templates newspapers have used for generations. These black and white photos and paragraphs can, however, be enlivened – assuming one values creativity and passion over soul-deadening adherence to the so-called facts (which I have found, in any case, to be vastly overrated). For example, …

The Raw Material
I came across the visages displayed atop this post in a well-known newspaper. If I correctly understand the arrangement, the subjects in those photos paid the periodical to have their images, along with announcements of their engagements, weddings, and the like, published where friends, family, God, and, more to the point, I could see them.

While the pictures were fascinating, the captions, were – and I must be blunt here – tragically lame, rehashing the same trite clichés about “planning a June wedding,” “the groom is a graduate of … ,” “the ceremony will be held at … ,” etc. that fill newspaper society pages every day, everywhere.

Clearly, these folks were not getting their money’s worth.

I have rectified the problem by blacking out, in an uncharacteristic display of tact, the text and identifying information that originally appeared in the paper and then providing, as replacements for those standard (i.e., dull) announcements, my own alternative compositions that, I humbly submit, are not only far more interesting but are also more in synch with the photos.

The New, Improved Announcements

From top-left, and continuing clockwise,

Society Newcomer Surprises Wife

Dzems Djordievic-Dikic commemorates his entry into the fashionable circles of the Argentinean elite with the generous donation of Carlotta Lennardotten, his former mistress, current wife, imminent ex-spouse, and a recent graduate of the Lake Titicaca School of Economics, Astrology, & Cosmetology, to the society slave auction sponsored by the Buenos Aires Association for the Preservation of Rich Political Outcasts. “Call me ‘old-fashioned,’ but I appreciate these traditional slave auctions,” Dzems remarks, “What’s the point of these modern so-called ‘charity auctions’ where you buy a slave today and tomorrow it’s as if she is free again? That makes a joke of a valid economic transaction and insults those women whose owners decide, of their own free will, to sell them.” Captain Djordievic-Dikic, a career war criminal whose name translates into English as “Pig’s Squeal Fang-gnasher,” denies bitterness about his exile from his homeland consequent to his recent convictions by the World Court on charges of drug smuggling, war profiteering, and genocide, wryly commenting, “Screw ‘em if they can’t take a joke.”

Engagement & Sentencing To Run Concurrently

Rudy Connors expresses his delight over his engagement: “I’m one lucky guy. Not only did I persuade a wonderful girl like Catherine to marry me but how many sex offenders can combine reporting to their probation officer with pillow talk?” His fiancée, Ms Catherine Jenkins, plans to leave corrections work soon to focus her efforts on their new business, The Wheaton Christian Pre-teen Genital Tattooing & Piercing Academy.

Alone No More – Pretty Soon

Alexandra Kerstin announces her engagement to Wayne (“call me Wayne”) Williams. Ms Kerstin is the winner of the Miss Illinois, Miss Socket Wrench, and Miss Upper Midwest America titles, a nominee for both the Nobel Physics and Peace Prizes, a visiting professor at MIT, and an actress who has appeared as the ampersand in Will & Grace, Sex & the City, and Law & Order, but is best known as The Perpetual Bridesmaid, holding the record for most bridal parties in which she was a participant (bridesmaid in 281 weddings, maid of honor in 133 ceremonies) while never herself being the bride. This Always A Bridesmaid phenomenon, as Ms Keratin, who is also ranked in the top ten nationally in three different martial arts, points out, certainly has nothing to do with her acceptance of the marriage proposal from her unemployed, thrice divorced fiancé whom she met last night at the Last Shot Bar, Grill, and Disco. Asked why Wayne was not present for the announcement and photo shoot, Alexandra quiets her sobs long enough to explain that Wayne, who recently succeeded in obtaining his GED on the third attempt, did leave a message on her voice mail saying that he might stop by for the occasion – unless the guys at the garage could work him in this afternoon to rotate his tires.

Groom Celebrates; Bride Choked Up

Lieutenant Anthony “Mad Dog” Haskins enjoys the festivities on the occasion of his wedding to Miss Brenda Haynes. Lt Haskins, a noted serial killer and holder of the Tri-state record for most murders committed within the borders of Indiana, Illinois, and Wisconsin during a consecutive 7-day period (excluding major holidays), admits that this was not a case of love at first sight. “In fact, when I first met Brenda, I hated her. I thought she was one of those uppity bitches, but I fell in love when I saw how she had changed when I visited her in the ICU,” referring to Ms Haskins’ hospitalization following his botched attempt to strangle her. “No,” he explains, “she hasn’t come out of the coma yet, but we decided that it would be silly to delay the marriage while we wait for her to recover.” Miss Haynes had little to say but was radiant and, according to family, “looked just like herself.”